Ripples and Waves

Tag!

2012-01-25T16:27:00.006-05:00

I was tagged by my cousin Stephanie and it looked like fun so I'm playing along!

The Rules

1. You must post the rules.
2. Post eleven fun facts about yourself on the blog post.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you've tagged.
4. Tag eleven people and link them on your post (I don't have 11 people so do what you can, with what you have).
5. Let them know you've tagged them.
Here are 11 fun facts about myself
1. I love cute socks and I'm totally okay with getting them at the Dollar Tree.
2. My favorite colors are orange, pink and green. In that order.
3. I love mornings. I love getting up when the house is silent and I can just focus on me and God.
4. I really do not like sleep. I like getting enough sleep but beyond that I get annoyed with people who take naps and sleep until noon. I feel like you're sleeping your life away.
5. I love old stuff. I love old jewelry, old bottles, old books, old furniture...well, you get the idea.
6. I'm totally crafty. My husband thinks I'm crazy most of the time but I can turn just about anything into something if you give me enough time.
7. I love to cook and most of the time I'm good at it. One day I'd really like to learn how to decorate cakes and such.
8. I love to write. I feel like you can express yourself so much better through written word than through spoken word - it's so much more thought out and in depth.
9. My favorite food is Skyline Chili. I just love it.
10. I get so annoyed with people who refuse to be original. March to your own drum and stop copying what everyone else is doing.
11. My greatest goal in life is to always give a person a chance. People are, for the most part, good and I think if you try hard enough, you can see the good in everyone.

Now on to 11 questions from Stephanie:

1. When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how do you pass the time?
I'm usually browsing the internet, taking photos or crocheting.
2. What would you name the autobiography of your life?
Ripples and Waves - same as my blog. I think in life everything, big or small, effects you in some way - just like water.
3. What was the last movie, TV show or book that made you cry or tear up?
This is kind of hard to admit. I was watching 'My Fair Wedding' today and I seriously started bawling. I guess sometimes I wish my wedding would have been something more.
4. What story does your family always tell about you?
My grandmother is always telling me stories about when she grew up - the farm, the little school house she attended, her family and friends and all the simple yet wonderful times they had.
5. What is one of your favorite quotes?
My favorite saying is 'Love Never Fails' and one of these days I will have it tattooed on my foot like I've always wanted. As far as quotes go, I'm obsessed with quotes so picking one would be impossible.
6. What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?
I love photography. Although I worked at a studio for about a year, I claim to be self-taught. If I learned anything while working at the studio, I learned that most people just want to put you in a box and then punish you for going outside of that box. I don't claim to be good and I'm still learning and building up some of the basics of the art but I love it - and that's all that matters.
7. What chore do you absolutely hate doing?
I HATE cleaning out the cat box. Matter of fact, it's my husband's only job.
8. What is your favorite form of exercise?
I love to go hiking. I love to get out and explore and find places that you can only go by foot.
9. What was your favorite food when you were a child?
I'm not really sure but there's lots of pictures of me dipping EVERYTHING into ketchup - so probably ketchup!
10. What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?
I'm usually not too crazy about bus rides; too many people in a confined space.
11. What sound do you love?
I love listening to the ocean, whether I'm actually there or not.

Now my questions for you ladies:

1. What is your greatest memory?
2. What is your favorite book?
3. How old were you when you started dating?
4. If you could go any place in the world, where would you go?
5. If you could have your dream home, what kind of home would it be?
6. Edward or Jacob?
7. If you knew you could pull it off, would you rather have long hair or short?
8. If you could choose an era to live in, what would it be?
9. What is the one thing you forget the most?
10. What is the number one thing on your wishlist right now?
11. Did you know that if I tagged you in this post you should smile because you are loved? =)

And now it's your turn Allison, Amber, and Roman and Asher's Momma!

New Year, New Changes

2012-01-22T09:56:00.004-05:00

Can you believe that we're 22 days into 2012?! I sure can't! Still, 22 days into the new year and there's already been quite a few changes and blessings taking place in my family's life.

Henry turned 6 months old.

I got a raise at work.

Jeremy went back to school.

We bought our first house.

I lost 5 pounds.

Mason turned 2.

We welcomed a new nephew into the world.

I started a 52 week photo project.

It's easy to see that we are beyond blessed! My main point of this post is that little number 5 that snuck its way into that list. I've been inspired and excited for my best friend who is training for a marathon this year. I watched my brother as he lost probably 100 pounds if not more in order to enlist in the Army. Just this morning I read my cousin's inspiring story on how she decided that enough was enough and has been losing weight as well.

I've always struggled with my weight. I was always heavier than all the other kids when I was in school and although I was never really picked on, it always bothered me. When I was 19 or 20 I managed to lose quite a bit of weight but it was the wrong way and for the wrong reasons. Over the past 4 or 5 years, I've pretty much put every last bit of that weight that I lost back on. It seems like no matter what diet I put myself on or how hard I try, I never get anywhere and if I do get anywhere, it's definitely not quick.

So this year I decided it wasn't about the weight. I have no one to impress, I have a husband who is going to love me no matter how heavy I am. Instead it's about my health and my well being and my ability to be the best mom I can be for my son. So that means working hard for what I want - a healthy lifestyle and a healthy weight, not only for me, but for him. I know that it's going to take time and I think that if I focus less on the scale and more on how hard I'm working to just be a better me, it will be easier than what it has before.

So here's to a new year. He's to losing 5 pounds in 22 days, to working hard for what you want and knowing that eventually, your hard work will pay off!

Six Months Deep

2012-01-18T22:46:00.005-05:00

Henry is officially half of a year old.

Wow that's hard to believe! Here I stand six months deep into parenthood and there are still days that I wonder if I know what the heck I'm doing. My daily prayer is that I succeed at this job that God has blessed me with, that my little boy will grow up happy, respectful and God-fearing because of my teachings. Talk about responsibility!

His curiosity highlights my every day. His little eyes get so bright with wonder and I'm never failed to be amazed at the intensity something so simple can bring to his life. I can't even begin to explain how much I love him.

His little smile melts my heart. There is really no feeling in this world that compares to seeing your child's face, wide with a smile, just because he sees you, knows you. My favorite part of the day is picking him up out of his crib when he wakes up in the morning...and that smile. Just for me. I swoon.

I find every little thing he does as cute as can be. I'm so proud of him and his little accomplishments. I'm proud when I watch him push himself from one end of the room to the other, or sit up for long periods of time, playing with his toys. It's hard to believe that he was so dependent on me just a few months ago. Now his personality shines and the person he is is beginning to show in everything he does.

I couldn't ask for a better little family. We are happy, healthy and blessed beyond measure. God has great things in store for us, I know. I am just humbled by His ability to shower us with blessings, most completely unexpected. I'm excited for us to move into our new home, to get settled and have a place to call our own. In the meantime, I'm just focusing on enjoying this little boy. I know the next 6 months are going to be just as wonderful as the last.

Impatience

2012-01-17T11:03:00.003-05:00

It'll be a week tomorrow since we bought our home. It sucks not being able to be in it, moving or cleaning or decorating or SOMETHING. I'm impatient and I'm having issues concentrating on anything else. I have so many ideas for decorations and so many little DIY projects that I can't wait to start on...but I just don't have the room here to even begin. The rain and the cold weather isn't helping much either. I suppose I should just breathe and force myself to push it all in the back of my mind and instead focus on the here and now. God has blessed us so much with what we've been given that I should really have no room for complaints or impatience.

We were able to walk through it on Saturday night. Keep in mind, we bought this house sight unseen, judging whether or not it would be a good purchase by word of mouth and the opinions of those who had seen it. It is gorgeous inside. The man who owned it had completely gutted the house. He put in new insulation and drywall, redid the plumbing and electric and also put in a 2nd bathroom. There are brand new wood floors, newly painted walls, brand new appliances (hooray! a dishwasher!) new cabinets, counter tops and new windows. The roof, water heater and furnace were all also just put in within the last five years. Like I said, gorgeous! Our bedroom alone is half the size of our apartment right now and although the listing said 6 rooms, when I counted them there were more like 8 or 9.

There are no immediate improvements necessary and that alone is the biggest blessing ever. We're hoping that after we get our tax return, we can buy a new couch and possibly a new entertainment center and my goal is to have the siding put up before Henry's birthday. The upstairs needs new carpet and possibly some paint but I'm not going to worry about it for now. We can work on making everything ours over time. The master bath also needs finished but we have a 2nd brand new bathroom so we're not going to worry about it much either. We want to make sure we can afford to get exactly what we want in there so it's probably going to take some saving again on our part.

I've been pinning ideas here and there on Pinterest and making a list of crochet things that I'd like to make for decorating purposes. I'm just sooooo excited. Jeremy made a valid point the other night; we both have good jobs, insurance, a savings account, a home, a wonderful son and a dog...we are truly living the American dream! Mentioning dogs: we're also going to get another dog after we move. I can't wait because this time I get to pick the breed and I think I'm finally going to get me a Siberian Husky. I had one as a child and I just loved her and I can't wait to have another. Not to mention, Henry needs a big dog to love on!

So needless to say, my mind is preoccupied with all this house stuff. Henry will be 6 months old in 2 days. I can't believe how big he is getting but I'm also having a hard time concentrating on his half birthday pictures. Ugh. Someone call the bank and tell them to get this paper work finished!

Henry's First Snow

2012-01-12T22:22:00.004-05:00

"The first fall of snow is not only an event, it is a magical event. You go to bed in one kind of world and wake up in another quite different, and if this is not enchantment, then where is it to be found?" -J.B. Priestley

While this wasn't 'technically' Henry's first snow, the first came and went before he ever had a chance to experience it so I just don't think it counts. He loved it. I carried him around for a few minutes and let him get a feel for the cool air and little flakes landing on his face and he just stared at this new, white world in awe.

When I finally put him down in it where he could look and feel and taste this fluffy white stuff he just smiled and laughed. He kept looking at me with this questioning look though, like he wasn't quite sure he should be having so much fun in something so wet and cold.

Daddy even came home from work just in time to see him rolling around on the ground, covering himself in snow. We only stayed out for a few minutes, the wind was becoming something fierce and his little face started turning a bright pink. I wouldn't trade memories like this for the world though. The wonder and amazement in his little eyes...while I was uploading the pictures I just couldn't stop smiling. His innocence and joy in life is inspiring and so wonderful. God has truly blessed me!

Our New Home

2012-01-11T11:38:00.008-05:00

We bought a house today! We went to the auction prepared to spend quite a bit to get it and only spent $10,000!!!! It's 3 bedrooms, 1 bath. It has a 2 car garage, fenced in back yard and a swing set and playhouse in the back. It needs some tlc on the outside but has been completely remodeled on the inside. I'm so excited! It'll be a month or so before we get to do anything with it and I'm praying that everything goes well between now and then. I am still a bit in shock and I can't believe that we did it...but we did! My prayer was that if it was God's will we'd get it and if not, we wouldn't so it must be His will. He is soooo good! I can't tell you how excited I am! Not to mention - no rent and no mortgage?? Talk about lucky ducks!

Gabriel :: 5 days new.

2012-01-10T20:38:00.006-05:00

I had the pleasure of photographing my new nephew. He was so sweet although completely against having his picture taken I think.

1:5

2012-01-05T22:40:00.005-05:00

The sky was beautiful tonight. As we drove to Miamisburg to meet my new nephew, I couldn't help but be drawn to it. There were blues and pinks and oranges...and blues (did I mention the blues?). I swear Crayola's 'Robin's Egg' just blew up all over the sky.

He was beautiful. My nephew I mean. I was in awe at how different he was from Henry when he was born. Not only was he 2lbs heavier and almost 6 inches longer, but they looked so completely different. I know that may be a 'duh' kind of comment but my brother and I always looked somewhat alike and when I look at his little boy, I see nothing of myself in him. God truly is a master creator, molding each of us into something unique and special. Gabriel has no eyelashes...while Henry has eyelashes that goes for miles. It is just amazing to me.

Henry was a real turd for me today. He's teething and cranky and I had two poop blow-ups and more spit-up than I can account for. Here at 11 p.m. I am so tired and ready for bed. I'm trying to pretend that another week hasn't ended and I have to go back to work for the weekend tomorrow. The photo above was probably the happiest he was all day. He loves playing in his excersaucer but his feet don't really reach and it is usually short lived because I hate seeing him bounce from his toes on one foot to his toes on the other. He tries so hard and yet gets no where! I am so blessed that God gave me this little boy. He is happy and healthy and I couldn't imagine loving anything more.

The (long) short version of 2011

2011-12-31T22:16:00.003-05:00

January: I was 2 months pregnant and miserably sick day and night. I started using my camera on manual and haven't turned the dial since. Mason turned one and Brandon Heath's new CD came out. Jeremy and I traveled to Detroit to visit family and attended the Detroit Auto Show.

February: I was 3 months pregnant and still miserably sick day and night but I felt him move for the very fist time. We had so much snow and ice that our area was in a level 3 snow emergency for several days. Brandon came home for a couple of weeks! Jeremy and I saw Brandon Heath and Toby Mac in concert with friends.

March: I was 4 months pregnant and (you guessed it) still miserably sick day and night. I endured my first cat-scan and had the crap scared out of me to find out that I had pneumonia. The world was shook by the earthquake and tsunami that hit Japan. Jeremy and I as well as his parents drove to Florida and boarded a cruise ship for a glorious vacation to Jamaica and Haiti.

April: I was 5 months pregnant and starting to feel better but plagued by crazy charlie horses every night in my sleep. My feet started itching and we found out that our Peanut was a BOY!

May: I was 6 months pregnant and my morning sickness was completely gone. My feet were still itching and it was spreading to my stomach and palms. I photographed my first wedding. I set up Henry's crib and had my church baby shower. I said farewell to one job and hello to another that would allow me to stay home during the week when Henry was born. Jeremy also bought Henry his very first gun.

June: I was 7 months pregnant and itching from head to toe. I photographed my cousin's wedding was miserable the entire time, but felt so blessed that she allowed me to do it. Old friends and I wept as a hero I went to school with was killed at war. Jeremy and I made a little weekend trip to Lake Erie. My sister-in-law threw me a fantastic baby shower. I finally convinced my doctor that scratching my skin off was not 'normal'.

July: I was 8 months pregnant and finally diagnosed with Cholestasis, a liver/gallbladder dysfunction induced by the pregnancy that was causing my severe itching. Jeremy and I had maternity pics done (and just in time too). I was going in every other day to have non-stress tests and ultrasounds done and at 36 weeks they found that my fluid was low and I was put into the hospital. Two steroid shots, 3 days of inducing my labor and one c-section later Henry was born at exactly 37 weeks. Brandon was home for a week and got to hold Henry the night he was born.

August: I took way to many pictures of Henry and did my best to enjoy being a new mommy. The world lost a beautiful soul as my grandmother's best friend made her home in heaven. We all went to the fair with Allison and Ethan!

September: I took way too many pictures of Henry and he started grinning that gummy grin that I just love. The world lost a very special man as my Great Uncle Coy made his home in heaven. We made a quick trip to Virginia for the funeral and family time. I went back to work and Brandon left the United States for Afghanistan. I became addicted to Pinterest and Jeremy had some teeth cut out which lead to months of endless suffering for him.

October: Henry went trick or treating for the first time. Jeremy celebrated his 29th birthday and I celebrated my 24th. I started crocheting! Henry laughed for the first time and it was possibly the most wonderful thing I had ever heard. Jeremy and I saw Third Day and Tenth Avenue North at Hobart. The Poop Song entered our lives and Jeremy bought me several new lenses for my camera.

November: I took on my first crochet orders and started my own little business. A kitten followed the dog into the house one morning that we named Biscuit. I got rid of him about a week later. Holly, Allison and I went and saw Breaking Dawn. We celebrated Thanksgiving numerous times and then I put up the Christmas tree.

December: I had my first give-away and so many orders that I still haven't finished them all. Henry and I had a sleep-over at grannie's house. Henry, Jeremy and I made a little day trip to the Newport Aquarium. Jeremy and I celebrated 3 wonderful years of marriage and then celebrated Christmas with our families.

Christmas

2011-12-27T08:54:00.004-05:00

I have to say that Christmas was the best that I think it's ever been in a very long time this year. There's something about having your own little family that makes the holidays different and Jeremy and I enjoyed waking up Sunday morning and sitting in front of our tree taking turns opening presents and helping Henry open his. His eyes would light up at the bright colored toys and he would just stare, it was perfect.

He threw a fit the rest of the day. I think it was just to loud at grandma and grandpas for him. We had a great time at both family's Christmas' and we were spoiled rotten this year. Jeremy's sister bought us a new Wii and we each got several games to go with it for one another. His parents bought me two frame sets that will fill every wall in my living room. Jeremy got me a wireless remote for my camera as well as a Snuggie and a mint set from the year I was born. We had bought Henry one this year as well and although we know he won't appreciate it until he's much older, our hope is to buy him some special piece of money each year. Henry bought Jeremy a personalized coffee mug to take to work with him each day and I got Jeremy his concealed carry class. My grandmother got Henry an exersaucer and she got us a new vacuum cleaner. Like I said, spoiled!

We tried out best not to focus on presents this year though. We tried to focus on loving and giving as a family and celebrating the birth of our Savior. I am a little sad that I'll have to take my tree down soon, I feel like it was extra special this year...maybe because I had so much fun putting it up and watching Henry play with the bulbs and decorations. I'm looking forward to the new year and all that it will bring. I am so thankful for all that I've been blessed with and I know God will continue to bless me ten fold.

Anna

2011-12-20T09:29:00.003-05:00

I met a woman at work on Sunday that absolutely broke my heart. It took everything in me to hold back tears after our conversation and she was pretty much all I talked about for the rest of the day.

She came in to order carpet. I had a hard time understanding her, she had a thick accent and her English was poor. After repeating herself many times, I finally gathered enough information to help her pick out what she wanted and get her order ready for delivery and installation. In the meantime, she never stopped talking.

She came to the United States in 1985 from the Czech Republic. She married her husband that year, had two wonderful children and then lost her husband in '92. She has a daughter who lives in Tennessee and a son that lives in Piqua. She lives in Pleasant Hill, surprisingly, just a block over from us.

She kept repeating that she was all alone and that while she wanted to do things on her own, she always struggled with them. Her reasoning for getting carpet was that she was getting too old to get down on her knees and scrub her vinyl floor. She was 90 years old. I asked her if her son ever came down to help her and she told me no, he is always to busy.

It broke my heart.

She went on to tell me that she still mows her own lawn and that she's proud to still do as much as she can. I told her that was good, it was good to keep moving and doing as long as she could. We had a great conversation and I learned a lot of about her but before she started to leave, she asked me to come see her. She told me that she was so lonely and would love the company. I told her I would and I will.

I hope to have made a new friend but I hate hearing stories like hers. She is here all alone, her family living overseas and her family to busy to come see and help her. I have to wonder how so many people go on in their daily lives leaving the thoughts of their elders behind. If it were not for them, we would not be here. They nurtured us and our parents growing up, they worked hard their entire lives just to become old and forgotten. It's so, so sad.

I've spent a good portion of my life with the elderly. I make it a point to go see my grandmother at least once a week and while I'm there, we usually try to visit others who are older and can't get out and about or do things on their own. I have seen how their eyes light up when someone walks in the room. I have heard them cry and beg that you come back and see them again soon.

If only more people would realize how much ten minutes can mean to them. If they would just sit to listen to the stories and life experiences they can share with you. It would make your life so richer and rewarding. I am so excited to get to know Anna more. I can only imagine the stories that she will be able to tell, the pictures she can share and the lessons that she's learned over the years. I'm hoping to make it down there this week with a big plate of cookies. They probably won't be as good as hers, but I know that it will brighten her day in the greatest of ways.

That's That

2011-12-16T23:30:00.002-05:00

There is a part of my life that I often try to forget. There are years of not-so-pleasant memories that I've tucked away into a place that I try my best not to visit. But then there are days that it becomes completely unavoidable, I am shoved into that back room and forced to stare the ugly situation straight in the face.

Today I was asked to visit my mother. I've been asked to visit my mother before, but I guess it was such a surprise today that it completely shocked me back into the reality that the parts of my life that I have no control over are a complete mess. It's bothered me all day to the point that I'm still awake now thinking about it.

I guess what bugs me the most about it all is that I feel like I have to explain why I've decided to do what I do. I hate that I can't just say no and people will just understand why. I don't hate my mother. I'm not angry at her or upset by her anymore. Sure, there are days that I feel abandoned and saddened by the fact that I don't have a mother to turn to but most days, I'm absolutely fine. It never even crosses my mind.

It's just at this point in my life, I feel like I've worked hard to create a life of stability. I lived for so many years without any stability at all and most of that was not my own fault, but at the fault of my parents, especially my mother.

I vowed that I wouldn't allow that for my own children. I will not put them in situations where I feel sure that they will be hurt. I will not willingly shove them into the instability that I was surrounded by. If that means them having one less grandparent, then so be it. It's better to not know someone than to know and come to love someone just for them to hurt you over and over again.

Eventually putting yourself in that situation makes that hurt your own fault instead of theirs and when it comes to my children, it would be mine.

So there, I've explained myself. No is no. I won't change my mind and I will do my best not to feel guilty when I have to say no. I believe in forgiveness, I believe that people change, but I also believe that the choices you make have consequences. I'm just doing my best to love, protect and give the very best to my children. I mean really, do you blame me?

A Splashin' Good Time

2011-12-13T11:50:00.007-05:00

Jeremy, Henry and I went to the Newport Aquarium yesterday as a little day out. Jeremy and I used to do little things like this all the time together and we've been so excited to start showing out little man all the wonderful things there are in the world.

He was just entranced by all of the bright colored fish and aquariums although towards the end, I think he was starting to get bored with it all. He did so well though! It took us several hours to get through and he never fussed once.

The Pufferfish were my favorite and this little guy was so friendly. It followed Jeremy's fingers up one end of the tank and back down the other, if we ever have a salt-water aquarium one day, I will definitely have to have one! There was so much to see and learn and being the people we are (especially Jeremy) we read most every sign through the place.

There was a lot to learn! I loved seeing all the different frogs too although I have to be honest, most of them were huge and disgusting and ugly. I'm so excited to take Henry back in the coming years when he's a little older and can appreciate and learn from the experience more.

The penguins were Jeremy's favorite. He loved watching them jump straight up out of the water and I have to admit that I had a good laugh or two watching them myself. It's amazing how fast they can swim! They're little show offs too. After the aquarium we went to Red Robin for dinner. Jeremy had never been there and I think he enjoyed it as much as I told him he would.

We all had such a good time and it was so nice to get out as a family. I love the life I have, God has blessed me beyond measure with a wonderful husband and son. I look forward to this coming year and experiencing even more as a family.

Christmas: Santa vs Christ

2011-12-08T21:34:00.003-05:00

I've had a huge struggle these past few weeks with the thought of teaching Henry in the coming years what Christmas is all about. It's weighed so heavy on my heart and mind that I've decided to reach out to you, my Christian friends, for some advice on how you handled your children at this time of the year when they were growing up.

I want him to know that Christmas is Christ's birthday. I want him to hear the Christmas story every year and know that this is the true reason why we celebrate. I've already decided that each year he will only receive three gifts from Jeremy and I; as Christ received three gifts from the wisemen. I've also decided that I'd like to start the tradition of making cupcakes the night before and singing 'Happy Birthday' to Jesus Christmas morning and allowing my children to each blow out a candle for Him. These are things I am sure of, things Jeremy and I have discussed and agree upon and are excited to start as our own family traditions.

Where I am struggling is how to introduce Santa Claus without taking away and confusing my children with what Christmas is all about. I don't want to take the 'magic' of Santa away from Henry and any future children we may have, but I'm just not sure how to incorporate both into Christmas. One just seems to take away from the other. I hate that. I hate that our country is so wrapped up in things that are so far from the true meaning that I have to seriously worry about how to keep the true meaning of Christmas in my children's hearts without depriving them of what every other child around them is celebrating.

So really I want your opinions. I want to know what you think about it all and how you taught your children growing up what Christmas was truly about while also incorporating Santa into it all. I'll really appreciate any of your input!

Well hello there December!

2011-12-04T18:58:00.005-05:00

December has snuck up on us quicker than what I ever imagined it would. Our tree is up and shining in front of the living room window and we've even had our first snow. I suppose every year I get to this point and ask, "where did the time go?" and this year is no different. It seems like every day goes by faster than the last and with a busy life, it's sometimes hard to remember to cherish the small moments.

I've got so many plans and ideas and hopes and dreams for every day, every week, every month and I usually only get about half of them done. There are just not enough hours in a day. I am so excited for some upcoming events though. We are hoping for baby #2 in this next year (like we didn't already have our hands full!) and next weekend will be Jeremy's last day at his second job so he will be home with Henry every day on the weekends. We will be looking at a home that is going on the market this coming spring and taking Henry on his very first vacation. My little crochet business is coming along so well and I've booked two weddings and an engagement session this coming year. I'm sure 2012 will go just as fast as 2011 but I'm looking forward to it. I'm so excited to watch Henry grow and learn and establishing our own little family with it's own little traditions and memories. Overall, life really couldn't be much better. I am so very blessed!

Ovey Creations Give-Away Details

2011-12-01T08:34:00.007-05:00

Who's excited?? This girl is!!

Let me start by saying that I absolutely love what I do. I love being able to stay home with my little one and crochet to my heart's desire. I love creating things. I love taking a ball of yarn and making it into something fun, creative and useful. I am just starting out and I can't wait to see where this journey takes me. With more and more experience, who knows where the road could lead?

Now to the fun stuff! This month I will be giving away one of my beanies with ears, earflaps and braids. I'll even add a bow if you like! It will be made just for you in the size and colors that you desire. I chose to give away this hat first simply because it was the very first hat that I made. I have now made several for customers and it seems to be a popular choice. It looks so cute on little boys and girls and it can be worn with most anything. Not to mention it's perfect to keep little noggins (or big noggins) warm this winter!

So on to winning! Entering into this month's drawing is simple!

Just 'like' my page on Facebook : https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ovey-Creations/217347141666800 and leave a comment there telling me one thing you love about the Christmas season.

That's it!

But I'm also giving you the chance to be entered into this month's drawing two, three, five...twenty times more! It's really up to you!

Put this message on your Facebook: "Go check out Ovey Creations and tell her I sent you. For every person who 'likes' her page that I send, I'll be entered into her monthly drawing once more. The best part? You'll be entered into the drawing too!"

Simple, right? So for every person that leaves a comment on my page saying that you sent them, I'll enter you into the drawing once more!

Want even more chances to win?

If you've ordered from me before, upload a picture of your little one (or yourself) in one of my products and tag Ovey Creations in the photo and I'll enter you FIVE more times!

If that's not awesome, I don't know what is!

So, overall you have well...as many as you can think of...chances to win!

The winner will be announced on Monday December 5th!

Good luck to you all!

This Week

2011-11-26T21:39:00.002-05:00

This week I vow to get many things done!

I vow to get at least 2 more Christmas presents bought.

I vow to finish and mail all of my crochet orders.

I vow to take Henry's four month pictures...or at least the one in the chair.

I vow to also find him a Christmas outfit, as the dinner is Sunday.

I vow to find some awesome wrapping paper and start wrapping gifts.

I vow to print all of my pictures from the last month.

I vow to scrub the bathroom floor, kitchen cabinets and windows.

I vow to let myself slide on that last vow a bit.

I vow to start Henry on a better schedule, even if I have to get up way to early everyday.

I vow to make at least two more patches of baby food, I'm sure he's getting sick of cereal, peas and sweet potatoes.

I vow to do my best to capture Henry's little laugh on video camera.

I vow to spend everyday playing, cuddling and learning with my little man as much as possible.

(Hey, you can get a lot done in nap time!)

I vow not to complain that I'm tired, my body aches, my head hurts or again, I'm tired... even if I am. It's Christmas time!

A Busy Season

2011-11-16T23:07:00.006-05:00

It's been a little while since I blogged. I've been keeping extremely busy and it seems that each day goes by faster than the last. I'm clinging to the last days of fall and hoping and praying that I will see no major snow for at least a couple more weeks. I feel like autumn came and went faster than I could catch it. I missed all the pretty leaf photos and I didn't even carve a pumpkin, although I did decorate a few early on.

I've been crocheting like a mad women. Upon deciding that I'd go ahead and try to sell a few things, I took on so many orders that I've still got about five to finish and get shipped. I will say that it was all an answered prayer though. With Christmas coming up, we could definitely use the extra money to splurge on some family gifts. I am excited to get back to the point of just enjoying making a few things just for myself and Henry though. As soon as I get caught up, I think the orders will be farther in between and I can make a few more new designs and such.

We had our first experience with baby-food this past week. I made my first batch with my new food processor and was thrilled at how much I could make from one sweet potato. Henry has done very well with it. He has one tooth that's came in on the right side of his mouth and another that's almost through right in front. He's ready to do some chompin! I look forward to his next doctors appointment to see how much he's grown lately.

On a negative note, I'm fairly certain that he's developed Jeremy's milk allergy. I finally broke down a couple of days ago and decided that I wasn't going to try to pump anymore. Today will be the first day that I haven't pumped at all and it kind of saddens me. But, I went ahead and pulled the milk I had frozen and have been giving Henry more formula each day. As I did so, I noticed that after his formula bottles (I've tried a couple different brands and kinds of formula) he would just projectile vomit it all back up within 15 minutes. He's been super fussy lately too. I thought it was just because he was teething but last night I had Jeremy stop and get some soy-based formula and I've given that to him today and he's been an entirely different baby. I'm just going to keep an eye on the situation and then bring it up at his next appointment. He doesn't seem to be extra hungry or anything so I don't think it's anything to worry way too much about right now.

Between being a mommy, wife and working at work and on my crochet orders, I haven't had a whole lot of extra time. I've been itching to do some different crafts and tonight I finally got around to making the sugar scrubs that I've been dying to make lately. I must say, they turned out awesome. I can't wait to give some of them as gifts!

Did I mention that Henry is going to be 4 months old in just a couple of days?? Where the heck does the time go?!?

My Favorite

2011-11-10T14:41:00.002-05:00

My favorite photo in the last month has to be this one of Henry in his pumpkin. I wanted so bad a picture of Henry in a pumpkin (they're only little once) but he really seemed to like playing in and exploring all the different textures around him. I'm entering it into the paper mama photo challenge this week.

Heavy Hearted

2011-10-31T00:49:00.007-04:00

"Becoming a mother makes you the mother of all children. From now on each wounded, abandoned, frightened child is yours. You live in the suffering mothers of every race and creed and weep with them. You long to comfort all who are desolate."

I can't sleep tonight. I have a deep, heavy heart and I can't exactly pinpoint why. I read this quote earlier and I think it's partly the reason. I think of my son and the love I have for him and I can't imagine what other mothers and children who are so much less privileged than I am are going through. I can't imagine not being able to sooth my crying child because it is hungry or in pain. It's hard for me to even think about, it just breaks my heart into pieces.

I think another part of the reason is that I miss my brother. I worry about him. I just want to know that he'll be coming home safely one of these days. But God holds his future in His hands and I just have to trust His will be done. I just need a grain of a mustard seed of faith, He says. Sometimes something so small sure does seem huge.

Guilt is also chipping at me tonight. I am tired. My body aches and I want so badly for someone to notice. I know that's silly, but at times I feel so stretched thin. Working and being a mother, wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, house-keeper, etc, etc... can just wear a person down. It's times like these that I long to have a stable family around me. I wish I had a mother of my own to call on when I was tired or didn't feel good and just needed a break.

As long as God let's me live to see the day, my children will never, ever want for that. I will never choose to abandon my children like mine chose to abandon me. When my son or daughter needs someone there to help, no matter what it is- I will be there.

I am so blessed with those that I am surrounded by now. I have women in my life who serve as wonderful mother figures. But nothing replaces your true mom and although it's taken me a long time not to hate her for what she did, it has made me a better woman and mother because of it.

Milk and Frustration

2011-10-28T23:17:00.003-04:00

When I find the time to type out these little blogs, I usually consider that my 'me' time. It's a time to reflect and relax and let my mind wander free for a few minutes.

Usually I try to keep a positive outlook on things, but tonight I feel like crying. I'm frustrated and worn out and ready to give up.

Because Henry would never take to the breast, I've been pumping and feeding him breast milk that way since the day he was born. But the last week or two my milk supply has decreased significantly and most of the time when I pump I don't even have enough milk for one bottle.

It's frustrating and disheartening and although there are much worse things, I just don't want to give up on this for him. I know that my milk is best for him and honestly, it makes me feel like a failure that I can't seem to give that to him fully anymore.

I know that if we have to switch to formula, he'll be just fine. Like I said, I know there's much worse things. I guess I just feel like I've worked really hard to do this for him and my efforts just aren't paying off and no matter how hard I try, I can't change the outcome.

I suppose I should just be grateful that I was able to produce and feed him this way for this long. Thankful that he is as healthy as he is and that we've had no other 'real' problems thus far. I just love my little guy so much that I want the very best for him, no matter what.

Rock the Shot Photo Contest

2011-10-28T12:37:00.004-04:00

Rock the Shot is having a photo contest this month. The criteria was to have one or more children and some aspect of fall in the photo. If you get the chance, check out the other entries. They are all so gorgeous!

I entered this one simply because I love it so much. I wanted so bad to have a picture of Henry in a pumpkin this year since he was small enough and I love how he was so curious, looking and touching at the different shaped pumpkins and squash. We really had fun that day and twenty years from now, I'm going to be able to look at this photo and remember that.

As usual I used Lightroom to edit this and really, I just slightly cropped, desaturated a bit and bumped up the exposure.

If you're a photographer and would like to enter, the link is www.rocktheshotforum.com.

Wish me luck!

Three Months Deep

2011-10-27T09:45:00.003-04:00

I'm three months deep into being a mommy. I love it. Every minute of it.

I love knowing his cries. I love knowing exactly how to cuddle him when he's tired so he'll go straight to sleep. I love that he knows me over strangers and even prefers me. I love planning for his future and in case you haven't noticed, I love photographing his life.

I'm blessed to be home with him all through the week and although I wish I didn't have to work at all, I know I have it better than the majority of people. I am in constant prayer of thankfulness and praise. Five years ago I never would have imagined that my life would be so full of joy and love. Everyday I have the pleasure of sharing my life and heart with two amazing guys.

Now if we can just add a little girl...

This is Our New Name

2011-10-25T22:04:00.004-04:00

'Forgiven, beloved, hidden in Christ, made in the image of the Giver of life, righteous and holy, reborn and remade, accepted and worthy - this is our new name.'

Think of this and be blessed because we are not ONE of these things but ALL of these things.

We are children of a KING, princes and princesses with promises of riches beyond measure.

Rejoice and be glad! The joys of this life are just a snapshot of what is yet to come.

Jesus Freak

2011-10-24T18:32:00.002-04:00

I love finding sites that sell based faith apparel. This is one of my favorites: http://www.songear.com

I especially love their long sleeved tee that says 'My love story is purely written by God'. So true! If you are Christian and are looking for faith-based apparel, go check them out. I guarantee you'll find something you love!

From This End

2011-10-24T12:21:00.003-04:00

Having a baby can be exhausting. It can be frustrating and tedious and sometimes heart-breaking. But it is also exciting. It is an adventure and most of all, it is rewarding.

If you happen across a stubborn baby like mine, you will find feeding times that take twice as long. (Half hour to eat...half hour to pump.) You will find that blankets and pacifiers find their way into every corner of every room and nap time takes place when it's least convenient.

In the middle of the mess, you will find a happy little boy with one little tooth who is already so spoiled, he won't let his momma out of his sight. You will find coos and laughter that can brighten even the darkest of days and enough love to last a lifetime.

With every day there is something new; new faces and laughter, new joy and excitement. Little milestones are reached and new ones are set. Life takes a brand new meaning and with it, a life-long job of loving, teaching, encouraging and protecting a piece of your heart as it makes a life of it's own.

Another Year Wiser

2011-10-22T10:16:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow I turn 24. Quite the accomplishment, don't you think?

It's been quite the year. So many changes. Big changes. I am so thankful for them though.

It has been the scariest year health wise of my life. Cat-scans and ultrasounds, itching and then just not progressing. Pneumonia and surgery. But God brought me through it all. I am healthy again and so is my baby. It's all because of Him.

I have a wonderful life, full of love and promise. I am blessed with a husband who is caring and understanding, a baby that is healthy and growing and a family that I can count on. I have a seat waiting on me at the King's table and a robe of white so soft and warm. I really, truly could not ask for more.

You Are Beautiful My Sweet, Sweet Song

2011-10-21T05:56:00.004-04:00

My husband has a friend that's about knee deep in the Christian music world. He used to be in his own band, The Dizmas, who made it pretty well on the west coast but after all the guys got a bit older, they split and went their separate ways. On good terms and for good reasons, of course. He's a drummer.

He played for Superchick for a while and then Beneath the Golden the State. Both times we were blessed enough to receive a call from him while he was in the area, offering us a free concert. We're always more than happy to oblige.

Wednesday night he called and asked us if we'd like to see Third Day the next night. Of course I was all over it and knowing that Tenth Avenue North was playing with them made me even more excited to go. He's now working with Third Day, although he's not in the band but instead working in their headquarters in Nashville.

Honestly, I needed a little bit of time out with Jeremy just to enjoy myself. I haven't been separated from Henry except to work since he was born. I struggle with guilt when I am apart from him. I feel like a mother should be home with their child as much as possible and leaving him to go have fun is hard for me to do, even if it's okay from time to time.

We had a great time really. I always enjoy Christian concerts. Not only do you enjoy the music but there's always a sweet spirit, a moving when the room around you cheers and rejoices in knowing that our Father is King. When the music stops playing and the voices come together in soft worship, you can feel the presence of God as if He's standing beside you. I feel blessed to be included in such amazing grace. God is so good, so loving. It was the very least I could do when I dedicated my life to Him.

Autumn

2011-10-18T21:37:00.009-04:00

I love fall. I wait and yearn for the leaves to begin to change every year. The days are crisp and clean, there are bonfires and s'mores and good times with family and friends. Plus, it doesn't hurt that my birthday falls towards the end of October.

The days when the sun is shining and the wind is blowing are just perfect for walks through the woods or a picnic in the backyard. There are pumpkins and squash, hayrides and caramel apples. Life just seems to slow down a bit and I think we all need that from time to time.

A good slow down. A time to reflect on life, to meditate and to be thankful. One on one time with our Maker while he amazes us with the changes and bright colors that this season brings.

Adventures in Crocheting

2011-10-18T07:32:00.004-04:00

I recently decided to take up crocheting. I don't know what people's usual reason is for taking up crocheting but mine was simple - I wanted to learn how to make all of these adorable hats for Henry without having to pay 20 plus dollars for one. I've always been one to take up little things like that anyway, it's that natural 'Suzy-homemaker' gene in me that I swear must mean I'm adopted. So I went out, I spent $2 on a hook and $3 on yarn and just started crocheting, looking up any and all information I thought I needed online and pinning it to Pinterest so it was easily located. (Have I mentioned how addicted I am to Pinterest, it's pretty much the most awesome site I've come across since Facebook or Flickr...seriously.)

So far I've made two hats and a scarf and surprisingly, they've all turned out really well. It wasn't until I was showing off Henry's little hats until I realized that people really love crochet hats. (Why this just came to me, I don't know. I mean, I love crochet hats!) I was even surprised to realize that it's not just women with little babies who like crochet hats - but people like my brothers like them as well. I now have a list of about 10 people who have requested that I make a crochet hat for them. Most are good friends and family so I wouldn't dream of charging them (besides, hello Christmas presents) but I think I may be on to something here. If other's can make a hat and charge 20 plus dollars for one. Why can't I?

So I'm going to spend the rest of this year practicing, making Henry little things and fulfilling the requests that I have had and then I think I may set up shop. I love etsy's website and it would also give me the opportunity to set up a few prints for sale as well. I've been looking for an opportunity to make a few extra dollars and I think this (and my random photo shoots) are a good start. Maybe one day we will find a way for me to primarily work from home and still bring in a decent paycheck. Maybe. I keep praying about it. I've also got a list of crafts (thank you Pinterest) that I think I could easily make and sell as well. I just have to get to it.

The hardest part is always starting, right?

When you don't know what to say...

2011-10-12T14:45:00.002-04:00

Technology has really changed out lives, especially in the last 100 years or so. We have cell phones attached to our hips almost 24 hours a day, the internet to keep in touch with people all around the globe, video chats and picture messages... the list could go on and on.

Problem is, I'm not sure it's really a good thing. My grandmother tells me stories about when her brother went off to war. He was a hero in his time, he saved many of his fellow soldiers lives after being wounded himself. It's a great story but I'm not going to tell it. She says she remembers the heartbreak her mother suffered when Coy left. In those days, they didn't leave and come back here and there. They left and wrote letters and if something happened to where they couldn't write a letter here and there, they just didn't hear from them at all.

She says they received several letters and one telegram while he was away. The telegram was a simple message : Coy had been severely wounded. That was it. There were no updates on his condition, no more letters. One day, to the joy of those around him, he finally came home.

That was how war was back then. You sent your son, brother, husband off and just prayed that they returned. Now we have the internet to keep in touch, crazy long-distant phone calls and video chats. But when you're speaking to a loved one who is faced with the issue of war, what do you say?

I run into this problem almost daily. I'm blessed to have the opportunity to talk to my brother while he is on the front line in Afghanistan. But the things he tells me, the concerns and the worries he shares; I just don't have a response for. Every day I have to pray that God give me a mouth full of words that he needs to hear because I myself, just can not find them.

See my brother has a special heart. He has a heart of compassion and love and it's hard for him to turn that 'off'. Enemy or not. So this is harder for him than some. It's hard for him to grasp and it's even harder for him to do. I do my best to understand but I know I can't fully understand and I do my best to love him from afar, but even the deepest love is different at a distance.

I just pray that I can be the person he needs for me to be. I pray that he comes home alive and well and that he has a long life ahead of him yet. He's been there a month. An entire month. His first mission was canceled (Praise God!) and when it was rescheduled, they sent someone else out in his place. So far he has been extremely blessed. They have had contact several times with the enemy, the man that took his place on the last mission had the antenna on his back shot off...but he still came back safely. There was one incident with a roadside bomb...but again, every one came back safely. So I pray that things will continue this way. He said the next mission will be within the next couple of weeks. Still, I must praise God for all the good that has come so far.

Pretty Presets

2011-10-10T13:13:00.003-04:00

Pretty Presets is having a contest today!

5 o' clock ramblings

2011-10-07T05:37:00.002-04:00

I miss being pregnant. Yeah, I know I'm absolutely insane...but I loved having my Henry so close to me all of the time. I try to tell myself that I don't really miss it, I only think I do...I mean, I had so many complications and I was seriously absolutely miserable with itching at the end there. My delivery wasn't easy and if I were sane, I'd dread ever going through all of it again. But I don't. I just miss it and yet, I'm not ready for another. Jeremy is ready now but he will just have to wait, just awhile longer I think.

It's funny how your entire outlook on life can change in an instant. I am more aware than ever of how crazy messed up life can be and I wish with every fiber in my being that I could protect my children from it. Knowing that I can't is the hardest part. I understand now why parents retract themselves and their children from the world, sheltering them from what they don't want them to have to see. Unfortunately that just doesn't work or I would do it myself one day.

I still have mixed thoughts on homeschooling. I want my children to have a great education and I know that through patience and a lot of effort, I could give that to them at home but at the same time, I want them to have the social experience and be given the chance to be somewhat 'normal'. I'm just not sure how I can make both happen. I suppose we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Troy has a great Christian school. Perhaps that's the best possibility.

It's funny really. I've never been closer to my grandmother. I get where she's always came from on so many more things now. Jeremy's family however, think I'm crazy I know. I'm okay with that. They can have their opinions but I'm still going to do things in ways that I think are best. Of course there are times that Jeremy listens too closely, takes their opinion over mine and well, that hurts. But still, I will not waiver. I will raise my children to be respectful and kind, compassionate and thankful. I will whip them and his parents will cringe every time. But it's worth it.

Never Prepared

2011-09-19T22:59:00.001-04:00

I learned this weekend that there is no possible way for me as a woman and a mother to prepare to leave my child behind. I thought that because I had told myself over and over that it was just a few hours and I would enjoy being away from the house, it wouldn't be nearly as upsetting to return to work. I was very wrong. I sobbed the entire day and then the entire drive there...but I survived. I am exhausted; both mentally and physically...but I survived. I know it will get easier and I'm going to hang on to that thought, but for now I'm just enjoying being next to my baby boy every minute that I can.

Bottles-R-Us

2011-09-06T12:21:00.001-04:00

I've been so busy lately that I've gotten off schedule on pumping. When I came home from our labor day festivities last night I had just enough milk after pumping in the refrigerator to fill 3 bottles, which is good and all but usually I keep 3 filled and then have enough to fill 2 more - which is like 10 ounces - and then I freeze the rest daily. So I was 10 ounces off which is usually only a pumping away but for the last few days I was only producing 5 or 6 ounces when I pumped and considering I wasn't getting to pump very often - that was extremely bad. So today Henry and I are staying home in our pj's so we can build our milk supply back up - it's annoying and tedious and it really limits what I can do through the day but giving him breast milk for as long as possible is extremely important to me and I intend on continuing the process for as long as possible.

So we're out of milk (cow milk, not boob milk) and I have no idea what we're going to have for dinner, the medical record that I was suppose to go sign a release form for today is going to have to wait and daddy is going without lunch because we're not leaving this house today - instead we're watching The Secret Life marathon and relaxing while pumping. End of Story.

In other news, Jeremy and I are discussing the possibility of trying for Henry's little sister (We hope, haha) in the near future. I opted out on birth control at my 6 week check-up, although I've never used any and I still haven't had a period so we're just letting things take it's course. I would prefer to wait about a year myself before having another baby but if it happens sooner, it happens sooner. We've always wanted to have our children very close in age and so with Henry here, it only makes sense to have another - as crazy as it may seem. After a 2nd, I think we'll stop. I'd love to have more but unless we have another boy - I don't think we'll ever try for a third. It's just not economical. And even if we do have a boy - well, I'm okay with that. In my world, 2 momma's boys are better than one daddy's girl anyway! =P

Dreams Untold

2011-08-25T18:34:00.004-04:00

I want to live in a cottage in the woods, the stone walls cool to the touch and the sound of the creek ever comforting my soul. My horses will graze freely in their pastures while my children will run freely without care.

Time will be abundant and troubles will never reach my doorstep. My favorite place to be will be the bench beneath the weeping willow, it's soft branches dancing in the breeze as the frogs sing along the water's edge. Whispers will never leave the ears of those who've heard and the air will be forever filled with music.

I won't worry. Dinner will be perfect, the house clean.

There will be weddings in the backyard and stories told around bonfires. Baseballs will be thrown, paint splattered, pictures taken and memories made.

Everything will be perfect, dreams will come true and life will continue into eternity.

But I Am Not Alone

2011-08-22T15:11:00.005-04:00

It may be a struggle. I may have to give where I'd rather take and push myself when I feel there's no way...

But I am not alone.

It may feel as if this world is just making me weak and although I look, I can find no relief...

Still, I am not alone.

When push comes to pull and I find myself short, when the strings finally break and it's all I can take...

I am not alone.

I am not alone. Wherever I go, You are with me and when I am down, You will lift me and thank you Lord that forever I will be reminded...

But I am not alone.

Fleeting

2011-08-20T11:12:00.014-04:00

But I'm sure I'm not the only one who finds his innocence so amazing, whether asleep or awake, he captivates my every minute with his perfection. And one day I know that it will change so I will cling to these moments. I will pray for time to creep and I will whisper in his little ears the promise that he will always be the closest thing to my heart.

A Month Too Soon

2011-08-15T13:41:00.003-04:00

I am in absolute disbelief that Henry will be an entire month old tomorrow. Where does the time go?? He has changed and grown so much right before my eyes and if one does not believe in God, I would think it would take nothing more than to watch a little child to see that we are surrounded by Him and His miracles.

I've learned a few things in this last month:

-It's almost impossible to plan to go somewhere and actually be on time.

-Yes, you can go through 100 diapers in one week.

-Spit up is every shirt's new accessory.

-Sleeping is totally overrated.

-Most advice is better taken through one ear and out the other.

-Routines are life-savers.

-Tiny smiles can stop the entire world for a minute.

-Lots of things can be done one handed.

-Most men are terrified of babies.

-If left where the dog can reach them, a box of dirty diapers can make quite the mess...

-Glow Worms named "Charles" can soon become your best friend.

-Food, like sleep, is totally overrated.

-Pumping breast milk is a job in itself.

-Chores are meant to go undone.

-Family will bribe you with just about anything if you'll bring the baby over.

-Love takes a new meaning while life...well, it will never be the same.

Needed: One Maid

2011-08-07T20:37:00.002-04:00

Henry will be three weeks old on Tuesday. As silly as it sounds, when people ask me when he was born I almost tell them August 8th instead of July 19th. I guess I am still in pregnancy mode when it comes to the date. It's so hard to believe that three weeks has gone by and even harder to believe that he wasn't suppose to be here until tomorrow. I suppose it's just more proof that God knows what he's doing and as advanced as medical technology can be, no one can predict the future.

I spend every day doing pretty much the same things: feed Henry, change Henry, pump and repeat. I usually manage a meal or a shower or a little bit of free time to walk to the post office to get the mail in between feedings but he usually eats every two or three hours during the day so it doesn't leave me time for much. This is why I'm in desperate need of a maid right about now.

Our dishes are piled high although I do mange to do them more often than not. The floors need swept and mopped, everything is collecting dust, the cat box needs changed, my flower beds currently look like jungles and I literally have weeds as tall as my windows right now and although I do manage to keep clothes washed and dried, I have about four baskets full that need to be folded and put away. Needless to say, I'm very behind.

I guess I could manage some extra time to do things when Jeremy gets home in the evenings, but by the time 7 o'clock rolls around, I'm pretty much exhausted and all I want to do is get dinner made and relax awhile before going to bed. I feel bad asking Jeremy to help with any of it because he's working 6 days a week at the shop in this heat and although I get up with the baby every night, it stirs him as well and I know he's worn out every day.

Back to the point: I need a maid.

I'm also in need of about 12 solid hours of sleep, but I don't see that happening for a very long time...

One Queen Size Bed

2011-08-04T08:42:00.003-04:00

I respect the opinions and insight of doctors and nurses who have spent so much time studying and researching medicine and such but sometimes I just have to disagree with them. I dread the 'sleep' talk every time I take Henry to the doctor. I have been reminded at least 15 times since he was born that he should sleep 'alone, in a crib, on his back'. Which, most of the time...he does. But I find no fault or shame in admitting that at times he also sleeps with me, held close where I can hear him breath and feel him move.

I understand the reasoning of him sleeping alone. I understand it reduces the risk of SIDS and that clearly, if he's not in bed with us, then he's not at risk that someone will roll over on him or suffocate due to extra blankets and pillows being around. But quite honestly, if the child so much as blinks, I wake up. If Jeremy barely stirs, I wake up. I feel as if my son is not at risk when he's sleeping with me, although I'm sure others would argue otherwise.

I find that the both of us sleep better when we sleep together. On average he'll sleep an hour longer between feedings and I'm not constantly waking up and checking on him in his crib. At this point an extra hour and a more restful sleep makes all the difference in the world, especially since I am still defiant against taking naps during the day.

Overall, I find that there's a special connection between a mother and their child and co-sleeping just enhances that connection. I understand that it's not for everyone and that there are many circumstances where a child is so much safer sleeping alone than with his parents. I just hate that look and feeling as if I'm doing something wrong when I admit that he does at times sleep with me. It's a lecture every time but I refuse to lie. He's my child and I would never do anything to hurt him, we all have our own ways of parenting and this is just one of mine.

I love waking up and his little face being right next to mine. The only problem is, our one queen size bed is feeling kind of small with two adults, a baby, a dog and a cat sleeping in it every night.

Our First Week

2011-07-25T15:08:00.004-04:00

Okay, so it's not quite a week yet - but one day doesn't really count for much!

I can't believe how different life has become so quickly and yet, I wouldn't trade a moment of it for the world. It's as if there was never a different life before Henry and honestly, this past week has just flown. I hate that part, I want each little moment to last forever. It's true what they say though - every complication, every horrible symptom and pain of pregnancy and birth is just a distant memory. It was worth every single bit and I'd do it a million times over to have my healthy baby boy here in my arms.

Our first couple of days was kind of rough. As expected I was in a lot of pain from the surgery and after spending the entire day in intense labor and then going in for the c-section, I was beyond exhausted and just completely out of it when he was finally born.

They told us they were going to go ahead and do the c-section at 7:30 p.m. on Tuesday evening. Within a half hour Jeremy was in his scrubs and I was making my way to the OR, contractions still coming about every 45 seconds or so. The anesthesiologist had no problem with my spinal tap although I had two contractions in the time it took him to do it. I just breathed on through and tried not to move and I never even felt the pinch. I found the whole operation to be kind of miraculous. It's quite the experience to feel nothing and yet feel everything at the same time. The anesthesiologist told me what was happening the entire time so I knew the moment that they pulled his head out, unwrapped the umbilical cord that was around his neck once, then when his shoulders and the rest of his body was out. I heard him cry and them announce the time - 8:33 p.m. - and then I cried too. I heard them announce his length at 19 inches and then they let Jeremy over to see him. He let me know that he was perfect and then went back to cut the umbilical cord. Finally they weighed him at 6lbs 5oz and then brought him over for me to see. Jeremy held him next to my face while they put me back together and I couldn't take my eyes off of him while we all had a conversation about cars, vacations and cameras (but mostly cars, go figure). I was so happy and relieved that everything had went well and that my son was here and healthy. They moved me from the operating table to the hospital bed and laid Henry in my arms. I could barely believe I was holding my little boy and for the next hour or so in recovery I refused to let him go. By 10:00 p.m. or so they allowed family in to see us and Henry was passed from person to person to be loved and cuddled on.

It was 3 a.m. when everyone finally left, I got him fed and we all got settled into our hospital room. They came and took him to the nursery to give him a bath and I agreed to let him stay until 6 a.m. so I could get some sleep. At 4:30 I woke up and couldn't stand not having him there so I had the nurse go and and bring him back to me. He never left our sides for more than a few minutes after that moment.

The hardest part after that while we were at the hospital was getting in and out of bed to feed him. By morning I was told I could sit up on the side of the bed so I did and then within a few minutes I was standing. I walked to the bathroom myself and the nurse was quite surprised at how fast I was recovering. For the first couple of days I just took Motrin for the pain then I moved on to something stronger about once a day. We had some issues feeding Henry. I had decided that I wanted to breast feed and he would latch, but he wouldn't suck. Everyday the consultant would come in and try to help and I had 3 or 4 different nurses try to help but he just wouldn't have it. Soon I was pumping and haven't really stopped since. I still try to get him to breast feed but he still does the same thing and it always ends up with him screaming at the top of his lungs and us both getting frustrated. I will be honest - I'm very close to giving up. I think I'll end up pumping exclusively so that feeding won't be so frustrating all the time for both of us.

Henry was circumcised on Wednesday night and the doctor told us he did wonderful but peed all over him which I found funny. Everyone was amazed at how laid back of a baby we had - the only time he would fuss (and this is still true) was when he was hungry and even then he would wake up and start moving around to let us know before crying. I'm lucky in that sense, I can usually hear him moving around in the night before he starts crying when he gets hungry. Two times the pediatrician came in to check on him and both times I was pumping and it embarrassed him to pieces so he kept telling us he'd come back. Finally on Friday after I was discharged, the pediatrician managed to come in and look him over and give the orders that he was good to go home too. We left that afternoon around 4 p.m. We went straight to Meijer to pick up my prescriptions and then headed home for a very lazy night. At this point I was exhausted - despite trying I could not sleep at the hospital and instead found myself taking little naps here and there that were always interrupted either by Henry or a nurse.

During the entire hospital stay Jeremy slept. I envied him.

The first night was kind of rough. I was so tired that it took everything in me to climb out of bed and my milk was just starting to come in so I had to take the time to pump every time that Henry ate - with a manual pump, which was such a pain. The next day I insisted we make a trip to Wal-Mart to buy a pump and I must say, I don't think I could live without it now. It's my best friend. I usually pump 3 times a day and am now producing 6 to 8 oz every time. I'm going to have to start freezing soon!

Sunday evening we took Henry to his Aunt Holly's and we all had dinner together with Grandma and Grandpa O. Izabel finally warmed up to him a bit and even asked to hold him, it was a very precious moment. Sunday night was probably the easiest night and I hope it continues to get easier from here.

Mason and Henry are getting along just fine. Mason loves to nuzzles Henry's neck and ears with his cold nose and Henry absolutely hates it; he'll wrinkle up his nose and his face will turn blood red. It's really funny. Mason likes to give him kisses too - although to Henry I'm sure they're more like mini baths considering that when Mason starts he just won't stop. I've had to yell at him many times for it, just because I know it bothers Henry so much too. The cat hasn't even sniffed him - I don't think he cares a bit.

Jeremy is still a bit timid around Henry and I find it kind of amusing too. He's super careful when picking him up and moving him around and I think he's changed all of two or three diapers. I've let him feed Henry once or twice but I do the majority of everything. Some new mom's would expect much more from their husbands but I honestly like it this way. I cherish my time with him so much that I really hate to let anybody else do anything. I know that sounds silly and I may change my mind later but right now it's how I feel.

My favorite thing to do is just to watch him, especially when he's awake and looking around. I love when he searches for my little finger and then holds on tight and it brings tears to my eyes every time I stop to think that he knows I'm his mommy. I love stripping him down to his diaper when he's hungry and just cuddling him on my chest - that skin to skin contact holds such a powerful connection. The world just stops around us. I don't hear him cry all too often but he let's out little squeals all the time and I laugh just about every time. Sometimes it sounds like a little kitten, other times it's more like a strange bird or something. It's just so darn cute.

Today we had our first doctor's appointment. He had gained 5 oz since leaving the hospital and was still the same length (although his head has gone back to normal so more than likely he's gained an inch since birth). There were no signs of jaundice and the doctor was very pleased at how his circumcision was healing. He even gave the doctor a little smile - which is something that he normally only does here and there for a split second. If you blink you'd miss it. We had lunch with daddy and then headed home for some tummy time and about an hour of being wide awake and curious. It was probably the longest I've seen him so alert since he was born.

Overall life has taken a crazy turn but it's been a wonderful one and I couldn't be happier.

Henry's Birth Announcement

2011-07-24T15:48:00.000-04:00

Photo Card

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Finally

2011-07-20T08:48:00.002-04:00

Three full days of labor and then a c-section to get him here, but he's finally here. I even did it without pain meds, even though there towards the end with two bags to pit in me, I thought my insides were going to just rip out.

Little Henry weighed 6lbs and 5oz and was 19 inches long (although the nurse said he would probably lose an inch or so due to his long, cone shaped head from all the contractions). His first cry was magical and while he cried, I laid behind the curtain and cried too. I seem to be recovering well and Henry is just perfect.

We're having issues breast-feeding but they're sending a consultant in today to try and help. The little guy will latch but then he just won't suck. I've been pumping and feeding him through a syringe. The nurses assure me it's probably due to him being 3 weeks early.

I can't get over how tiny he is and I'm glad I bought a few preemie outfits because they are definitely going to fit. I'm completely exhausted but I'm sure I'll catch up on and off in the next few days. I'm so proud of how Jeremy did and I'm pretty proud of myself as well, I put in a lot of hard work.

Every minute of it was worth it.

A Baby Story: Months 7 & 8 - The End of Pregnancy

2011-07-11T14:58:00.003-04:00

The last couple of months have been quite the experience. I had both baby showers and received more gifts than any one baby could possibly need. I'm up to my elbows in clothes and blankets and toys. The crib is set up and ready. The bottles are washed. The car seat is in the car. I've been cleaning the house like I'm mad and it seems like every week I find something that I missed, although I'm not sure how. Then I was diagnosed with cholestasis, which has been, well, horrible.

The entire last month has been dedicated to figuring out what was going on with my body. I started itching two months ago and although at first they thought it was nothing, it soon turned so severe that I'd be up all night long doing nothing short of crying and itching myself until I was raw. Finally the doctor decided to do a blood test and the results came back positive for the cholestasis and so started a whole new process: figuring out what to do about it. They put my on Atarax which does little more than either knock me out or leave me feeling high as a kite. It does help with the itching some though, it keeps it bearable at least. Then they started the non-stress tests and ultrasounds twice a week, which keeps my mind at ease but is a serious pain in the butt as well. Then they decided to deliver me at 37 weeks, so next Monday I will go into the hospital to have baby Henry 3 weeks early. I'm okay with that.

Overall things have been up and down. I have yet to decide if I want to take this coming weekend off or if I want to go ahead and work until Monday. I am however thankful that things worked in my favor and my brother will get to meet Henry before he leaves again. That is purely an act of God. Mason seems anxious, I think he knows something huge is about to happen and well, I'm a bit anxious as well. I'm still hoping to deliver naturally without any drugs. I've been told never to say never on more than one occasion but I feel as if I've made my mind completely up. I'm now praying that labor will progress quickly and I won't be stuck in a hospital bed for 3 days. Because of my condition I have to be monitored constantly and have an IV drip for the Vitamin K to keep me from hemorrhaging so I won't be able to be that mobile.

In the meantime I intend on enjoying this last week before baby. I have plans to spend time with my grandmother and brother tomorrow and a good friend is having a birthday this week so we have plans for that. Other than that I have some little things I need to do. I figure I better go out and get some more newborn sized onesies considering they're expecting him to weight little over 6 lbs when he's born. I have a ton of 0-3 months but only a handful of newborn anything. I may grab a preemie outfit or two too, just in case. I need to mail out a couple of final thank you cards and finish preparing the baby-book. I'm sure I'll clean the house really good again, and maybe even again. I'm sure this week will go fast. I am going to miss my little womb-peanut but at the same time, I'm so excited to meet him.

Plans are made to be broken.

2011-07-08T11:32:00.002-04:00

The nerves are starting to set in. I'm anxious about delivery, a bit disappointed that things haven't happened the way that Jeremy and I thought they would and still a bit worried about my little peanut. I think Jeremy is in worse shape than I am. His parents are a bit disappointed because their vacation was planned for this coming week and now they're cutting it short. He's told me many times that he was looking forward to those final moments at home before I told him it was 'time' to go to the hospital. I think he just wanted to be my hero, haha. I know he's nervous about delivery, he's just not one for any sort of blood or bodily fluids. I think he'll be just fine though. We both know that this is better for little Henry.

It's strange to know that we'll be given a date to start labor. I was really looking forward to sitting at home and finally realizing that I was actually in labor and not just practicing. Again, I know this is for the better though. We'll know on Monday. The doctor told us yesterday that they would probably pull me in Friday to check my fluids a final time so I'm assuming it's going to be early in the week. His paper just said 'set to deliver at 37 weeks'. Brandon's date to leave to go back to Texas was moved up 2 days, so even with them deciding to induce me at 37 weeks, it's almost cutting it close for him to meet his nephew. I'm just thankful that all signs are pointing towards him getting to meet him before he leaves. God does work in mysterious ways.

In other news, we finally got our maternity pictures done. Our friend Betsey did them for us and we were blessed enough that she did them for free. She just graduated from Sinclair with a degree or certificate or something in photography so she's trying to practice and build a portfolio. We were her first maternity shoot and I was happy to see how most of them turned out. I did all the editing though as editing is something she said she's yet to explore a lot of and well, I was more than happy to edit my own. I told Jeremy we really cut it close there, considering the circumstances, our maternity pictures aren't going to be very exciting to look at when our little one will be born in a little over a week. Everyone is going to be wanting pictures of him!

My plans are to work this weekend, spend some time with my brother this coming week, pack my bag and keep the house squeaky clean until next week. Depending on the date they set, I haven't decided if I'll work next weekend. If they decided to take us Monday or Tuesday I'll probably work Friday and Saturday and then take Sunday off. If it's later in the week I'll probably work all weekend long. It's just a waiting game at this point! (I've gotten pretty good at that...waiting, that is.) I'm going to do everything I can to enjoy Jeremy and I and our last week as a couple without the baby. I'm going to focus on not worrying. I'm just going to let go and let God and I'm just going to relax, have some fun and be content in knowing that life is about to change forever.

On the Edge

2011-07-06T18:47:00.003-04:00

Today I am about to break.

I have not felt well all day but I had promised myself yesterday that I was going to finish all my cleaning projects before my appointment tomorrow and so I did.

Now it's all I can do not to sit here and cry as every inch of my body itches miserably. I've taken my medicine and I have tried everything that I know to do but I cannot find any relief.

I am hoping and praying that my appointment tomorrow will shed some new light on what's going on now that I have an actual diagnosis and they can do something else that will help. I'm also anxious about having to go in twice a week now for non-stress tests and ultrasounds but I know it's for the best. At least I'll get a bi-weekly peek at my little boy!

We are Blessed

2011-07-04T15:55:00.002-04:00

As Jeremy and I were driving home from the lake last night, I couldn't help but sit in the passenger seat and just smile. The fireflies are out full force now and one of my favorite things to do is just to sit and watch them light up across the corn fields. It was like our own personal light show as we watched the hundreds of little bugs light up as we drove by; lightning bugs as far as the eye could see! I couldn't help but think that God's creations were so amazing and miraculous and those that doubt His existence clearly has not taken a real good look around.

As Jeremy always says: the world is full of magic, we're all just too stubborn to see it.

My mind has been elsewhere today. Henry has been particularly wiggly and I keep thinking about his tiny face. I'm so excited to meet him, time seems to be crawling but part of me is okay with that. He will be here so soon and I'm so madly in love with him, I just want to tell him and show him. His daddy is pretty excited too. There's a few little things I need to do before we're really 'ready' but nothing too important. He is our little gift from God, Jeremy and I had been discussing trying to start a family in the coming months but I'm not going to lie, trying to plan it makes a person kind of anxious. Finding out that he was on his way without any sort of plans made it so special and such a blessing.

I keep thinking about our missionaries today too. I know several groups right now that are out serving and I pray that they remain safe while providing enough assistance and light into the world of the people they serve to shake their lives forever. I hope one day I'll get to join them, even if it's on a small scale. But as of now, God has not presented any situations for me and I'm okay with that. Just say a small prayer for the Hunts and the Starrys and a group in Brazil if you think about it.

Now I'm off to enjoy the rest of my 4th of July festivities. I hope any who read this have a safe and blessed day with family and friends!

Frustration

2011-07-01T16:00:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure what's more frustrating:

Waiting on a phone call you never receive.

Calling the doctor and being told they'd call you back never to hear from them...twice.

Or, finally getting an answer that really answers nothing.

I'm sorry but telling me, 'We do have your test results Jennifer and I'd love to discuss them with you but unfortunately I can't do so until the doctor signs off on them and he's so behind on paperwork that I doubt he'll get to it before Tuesday.' does not help ease my mind one bit!

Ugh, I know he's busy and I know I'm being impatient but every day that passes with me not knowing what's going on is another day that I'm going crazy wondering. Not to mention being so itchy that I'm driving everyone around me nuts. I guess when it comes to the health of my unborn baby, I feel as if time is of the essence and waiting over a week for test results seems a bit excessive. But...that's just me.

Another Answered Prayer

2011-06-27T14:31:00.002-04:00

I've been itching for about two months now. It started with the soles of my feet and then my palms and within the last three weeks it spread to my entire body. This is no light itching. I literally would itch until I was in tears, spend hours just standing in a cool shower and scratch until I was bleeding. I had mentioned the itching to my doctor when I first started noticing it and he said it was just normal. Everyone else around me told me the same.

I couldn't make my last doctor's appointment so I had to reschedule for this week. I had prayed and prayed that the doctor could tell me something to do to help relieve some of the itching. I had called his office numerous times in the last couple of weeks and the nurses just told me to take an oatmeal bath and start taking Benadryl. So I did and I managed to sleep one night through the night without the itching waking me and so I thought I'd found a cure. Three days later however, the itch was back full force and neither was helping me any more.

Thankfully today the doctor really listened to what I said and took me seriously and immediately told me what he thought was going on. I still have to wait for the blood results but due to the severity of my itching and the dark color of my urine, he seemed pretty convinced that I had developed cholestasis of pregnancy. In a nutshell, it pretty much means that I have bile acid running into my bloodstream and should it get to baby it could potentially means some pretty bad things.

The positive side is that once the test results are in, depending on the level of bile, I will either be induced immediately or at 37 weeks. This means that I could only have 3 weeks of pregnancy left before my little one arrives and that my brother will also get to see him while he's home! However, the negatives definitely could outweigh the positives so I'm praying that things are okay and that we found it soon enough and that I have no worries.

I'm just glad to know that something is up and that I'm not imagining it. I was really starting to get depressed at the idea that this extreme itching was just 'normal' and that I would just have to deal with it for another 6 weeks.

Wowza

2011-06-25T08:32:00.002-04:00

I guess I knew it was close but I didn't realize just how close. Baby Henry will be here before I know it and the simple fact that we got a phone call at 2:00 a.m. telling us that our friend who was due a month before me had just had her baby really made me realize it. My last baby shower is tomorrow and then it'll be time to finish getting anything else we need and then...baby time. Wowza.

Parenting before Baby

2011-06-22T18:19:00.003-04:00

There really are some things I know that I know about being a parent. Everyone tells me that my opinions will change, that I will feel differently when I'm holding him and he looks up at me with his precious eyes but I keep fighting them on it.

He will not have everything he asks for. When he gets a bit older, he will learn the value of a dollar and he will earn the things that he wants. He will have his hands smacked and his butt whooped and he will always know that his whoopings are out of love. He will go to church, even when he doesn't feel like it. He'll have a curfew and rules to live by and if he loses our trust, he'll have to earn it again. He won't have girlfriends staying over when he gets older or beer at his 16th birthday party and just because his friends are doing it doesn't mean he will too.

He will learn that life is what you make of it, every person deserves a chance and that God loves us all. We will be more than happy to let him play in the mud, collect rocks and stain clothes. He can play sports, take dance or join a club if it makes him happy. We will never 'force' him to be something he's not. He will be unconditionally loved and cherished as our son and know it. He'll have things that both Jeremy and I both didn't have growing up but he will also know how blessed he is.

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps my opinions will change after I have him...but I just don't think so.

Gross

2011-06-22T08:49:00.002-04:00

I'm pretty sure I lost my mucus plug this morning. Kinda gross.

In other news I'm itching myself to death, I'm exhausted and I'm about 2 minutes away from killing a barking dog and meowing cat who just won't shut up. Ugh, let's hope I can get some more sleep somehow this morning. Jeremy and I have the day off together and I really don't want to be miss grump-butt.

Pregnancy Blahs

2011-06-16T23:15:00.003-04:00

Not gonna lie, I'm getting pretty bored with this pregnancy thing. I spent the first 3 months sicker than a dog, the second 3 months stressed to the max with work and now I'm just plain miserable with almost 2 months to go.

With that said I was just telling Jeremy tonight how much I'm going to miss having the little guy moving around in there all the time. I've gotten so used to it that I barely notice it anymore except for when I think about it but I just know that things will feel...void...without him.

Overall I'm just excited to meet him and things seem to be moving so slow right now. We have almost everything ready. There are a few odd and end things that we still need but nothing we couldn't survive without for a while.

I've been trying to stay busy to pass the time but it doesn't really seem to be working. Just this week Jeremy and I have done something every night to stay entertained and yet, I still feel like the week moved so slowly. I guess I need to be a bit more patient.

Next week we're going away for a few days and my last baby shower is on Sunday so I'm excited about that! In the meantime I just have to get through work this weekend without running out of Tums and my feet swelling to the size of watermelons.

I can't thank God enough for the job He's blessed me with. Not many people would hire someone 6 months pregnant and not only that, but I truly do get to be home with my precious son all but a couple days of the week. It's just perfect and I'm so grateful. He is so good!

Now it is time to cuddle up to my hubby and go to sleep...even if it's just for an hour or two.

More Ramblings

2011-06-05T21:14:00.002-04:00

I've pondered life a lot lately, decisions I've made and the direction that I'm headed. I have to say that I'm not very disappointed. I feel as if God has had His mighty hand over Jeremy and I so much in the past two and a half years. He has blessed us in ways unimaginable and at the same time, challenged our faith and marriage to help build it stronger. We owe all the glory and thanks to Him, without Him we would have never made it.

I'm excited for the future. I'm excited for Henry to get here. I'm excited for all those first moments and I'm excited for him to grow up too. Sometimes I feel as if my thoughts, dreams and hopes are in a rush, I just want to savor each and every day. I'm so blessed to have each and every one!

I feel like I'm so extremely lucky to have the job that I do now. I downgraded, like REALLY downgraded but in doing so, I have so much freedom to be with my son when he's born. Either Jeremy or I will be able to be home with him every single day except for a few hours on Saturdays and although one of us has to work every single day of the week, we will have every evening to spend as a family. We are truly blessed! I can't imagine having to leave my little one with someone all the time. I know that in a lot of cases it's necessary but I just don't think I could do it and I'm blessed enough to have a husband who agrees. In our case, we know that the only people we truly trust to raise our child is us.

We have some big events coming up. Something huge is happening in a month or so but I've been sworn to secrecy so I can't say what. I just hope I'll be able to keep up with all the responsibility I've been given in it all. Henry should be here a month after that! Jeremy and I are planning a small trip in a week or two to the little resort down in Kentucky for a couple of nights. We're hoping to squeeze in a Reds game too. My brothers and sister are out of school for the summer and I plan on keeping them with me here and there. Pretty much, just trying to stay busy, count down the weeks and enjoy the summer!

Selfish

2011-06-01T14:29:00.003-04:00

I know I'm being selfish. I'm angry and I'm upset and I know a huge part of that is hormones but I just don't care.

I had a dream about 4 nights ago that my brother was coming home early. I literally woke up crying because it upset me so much, so I woke Jeremy up and told him about it and he just cuddled me close and told me that it was just a dream and not likely to happen. I knew that was probably true and just dismissed the entire thing, went back to sleep and hadn't really thought of it since.

Then today I find out he's coming home a month early. Just like my dream, everyone keeps calling me all excited, wanting to plan a party and etc.. and I just can't help it but I want to tell them just to back off, leave me alone, let me get over my selfishness and then maybe I'll be happy about it too.

At one time in my life my brother was my absolute best friend. He was the person I called when I wanted to vent, the shoulder I cried on, the crazy guy dancing with me in the parking lot to our favorite song, he was to be my 'maid of honor' in our wedding and he was there that day every step of the way from me getting dressed to saying "I do". He's one of the few family members that's made an effort to come up to Troy to see Jeremy and I when he was home. I was there with him through all the best times and the worst times and we always promised not to judge each other, no matter what, but to be there...always.

I know he has very little to no control as to when he gets to come home and such. I know that until he's out of the Army there are going to be many more times when I won't be able to share moments with him that in the past I would have never missed. I know that I'm blessed to know that my husband will be able to be there through it all and that I won't have to go through it alone. I've just been so excited and so happy about the fact that he would be home during the time that Henry was due that this news just devastates me.

He doesn't have to be there for the birth. He doesn't have to be one of the first to see or hold my little boy. But it meant so much to me to know that they'd at least get to meet before he left for Afghanistan. Now unless Henry comes 3 weeks early, that's not likely to happen. I know God has a reason for everything and that this is all part of His plan. Like I've said, I'm just being selfish and while everyone else is celebrating, I just needed to share my pain in this situation without looking like a complete jerk.

Ramblings

2011-05-27T23:06:00.003-04:00

Tonight I am just plain tired. The last two days I've barely moved from the couch; I just haven't felt right. I keep having horrible contractions and despite drinking and drinking water I feel so dehydrated. I did my best to do my job at work tonight and ignore everything but it was hard to do. I'm not looking forward to the 10 hour days the next three days feeling this way. I keep telling myself that it will all be worth it and I know it will, I just wish I knew why my body seems to be screaming that something is wrong. It's probably all in my head; being a first time mom every little pain and twitch makes me worry although I usually just ignore it all. I figure if anything is ever really wrong, I'll know it.

I hope the next 10 weeks go by quickly. I'm so ready to see my little guy. I keep telling all of our friends and family that I'm going to force him to be here at 37 weeks but I know that that's beyond my control. I'm not anxious about delivery at all, I kinda feel like I was built for birth but I suppose I won't really know until I get there. I'm still pretty set on going drug-free even though everyone keeps telling me that I'll change my mind.

Either way, things are ready. The crib is set up, the highchair is in the kitchen, the car seat in the car. We have a ton of diapers and lotions and baby bath and more clothes than what we know what to do with. The baby book is as filled out as it can be. I have one more baby shower in about a month and then we'll finish getting whatever we don't get then that we really need. In the meantime I'm just trying to be patient...and failing miserably.

Jitters

2011-05-14T08:01:00.002-04:00

Today I am photographing my first wedding.

Am I nervous? You bet'cha!

Am I excited? Yup, that too!!

I have confidence in myself and in my ability to deliver exactly what this couple is asking for, I guess it's just that never failing nagging feeling that you'll disappoint that has me all jittery. I've thought about it so much that I literally dreamed last night of different poses and break-outs and photos to take. Now I'm just praying that the rain holds off!

A Baby Story :: Months 5 & 6

2011-05-05T21:46:00.002-04:00

It's been awhile since I wrote a little pregnancy post but my, oh my how things have changed!

We found out we were having a little boy. I'll have to admit that I was kinda hoping for a girl but of course, I don't mind much, I just want our little one to be healthy. After much thought and a few too many suggestions we settled on the name Henry. No, it's not a family name. We get that question a lot. Although...my dad's dad's name was Henry but I never met him and my dad is kinda upset at us for our choice of name because his dad was never in his life. My grandmother has informed me that she had a brother and a half-brother named Henry. My favorite uncle's middle name is Henry. (My aunt assumed we were naming Henry after him and we just let her believe it, we love them both so much that it made no difference to us.) So in a round about way... I guess it is a family name. But that's not why we choose it.

My newest obsession has been watching Henry move. Before I could feel him and if I had Jeremy's hand in the right place at the right time, he could feel him too. But now...man, every time the little guy moves I can see my whole stomach shift and shake and move. It's just amazing. Mason has been kicked a time or two too...which I find hilarious. I'm so in love with this little guy and I haven't even met him yet. The path to motherhood is such an insane roller coaster ride. I just love it.

There are the down sides. I pretty much hate eating because I feel so bloated for hours afterwards. I can barely get comfortable to sleep. I can be sitting down doing nothing and all of a sudden get winded. There are aches and pains and cramps and swelling. I know it'll be all worth it though and the good completely outweighs the bad.

We're picking up our crib next week and I've already got a changing table set up and Henry's own little dresser. My first baby shower is in two weeks and I'm so excited to start setting up all of his little things. I've already got enough clothes to last him his entire newborn through 6 month life but I assume most people end up with a ton of clothes that they can't imagine using. I try to avoid buying anything although I've picked up a thing or two here and there. My grandmother and I's favorite hobby has turned into window shopping for Henry, haha.

In other news I have two weddings coming up in the next month that I'm photographing, the first being just next weekend. I'm kinda anxious and nervous about them but I'm sure things will turn out great. The Reds started out strong this year and are slowly falling behind but they are the team known for rallying so I'm not losing faith just yet. I started my new job and so far it's been just wonderful. Mason is still spoiled rotten and Stinky is just...Stinky. Life is overall amazing and that whole 'nesting' instinct that mothers-to-be supposedly have has totally kicked my butt. I can't stand to see even a speck of dust in the house which means that I spend just about every free second I have cleaning.

Overall I'm just excited for my little man to get here and at the same time I'm enjoying pregnancy so much that I never really want it to end. It's hard to believe that the time has gone so fast. I know he'll be here before we know it!

For my little one

2011-05-02T13:09:00.003-04:00

I love watching you; those little ripples across my skin.

The pokes and the kicks, it's almost as if you're already here.

As my body changes I rejoice in the miracle of your life.

I yearn to hold you and yet, I know I will miss having you so close.

I wonder who you will be and pray that you accomplish your every dream.

I know that I'm just the smallest of stepping stones in your life.

The love your father and I have for you will always be unconditional.

We just hope we can raise you in a happy, Christian home.

Can you hear the songs that I sing, the stories I read?

I just want you to know that I'm here and that I care.

Running my fingers across my skin, I tell you I love you.

Before going for work, Daddy kisses you and tells you he loves you too.

We can't wait to meet you, little Henry.

But until then, we will do our best to show you our love from out here.

It's Like This

2011-04-28T21:56:00.002-04:00

Life is what you make it. It's not about what you own or how much money you make but knowing what's important to you and making sure that those things come first in your life.

Jeremy and I have had a lot of conversations about what is important to us lately. On the top of that list is God, our little family together is second. Those are the bigs things, the things that we are unwilling to compromise for. Then there are little things, things like where we live, where we work, what other people think of us in life and how to make every day just work.

We may not have everything we want but we're happy and that's the most important part. We refuse not to make it on our own and I know part of that's a pride thing but I grew up watching people around me abuse 'the system' and taking every hand out they could find and I absolutely refuse to be that way. If we can't figure out a way to make it on our own then we don't deserve to make it at all.

I'm thankful to have a husband who's so thrifty and willing to compromise and sacrifice for the greater good. I'm thankful that God has allowed us to live so comfortably so far in our marriage and on a monthly basis we somehow manage to save as much money as we spend. There's a crazy amount of security in a savings account, as silly as that sounds.

I guess it's hard sometimes to ignore the little voices of the world. Little voices that are sometimes the voices that are close to you but just can't see the same way you do. We're all different and a lot of times I just want to stamp 'GOD APPROVED' on some of the decisions we make that others find foolish. We are a family of prayer and no decisions are made before being presented and approved by our God.

Things aren't always easy. We have our struggles but thank God, we know no struggle is more than we can get through. I am just straight up thankful for our little apartment, our jobs, our vehicles and our life together...even when others keep telling us it's not good enough. I mean, look at it this way; it's our life, not their's and quite frankly it works for us. We pay close to nothing in rent, we have no car payment, no concern every month whether or not our bills are going to get paid. Our jobs allow us to have the freedom we need to do the things that mean the most to us while providing us with what we need income wise.

If that makes us foolish than so be it. I just wish the little voices would sometimes keep their opinions to themselves.

An Answered Prayer

2011-04-26T20:05:00.002-04:00

So we've been praying a lot lately, praying that God would find a way for me to leave my job so that I can begin to prepare for little Henry to enter the world. Working 45+ hours a week just isn't going to be possible with a newborn, especially when I have to fight just to get a day off to go to my doctor's appointments. So I started applying elsewhere, not really knowing what I was looking for or knowing what direction God was going to lead us, but I prayed that I'd find something that would give me the freedom I needed to be with my precious son but still bring in enough income for Jeremy and I to live comfortably.

So then Lowes called about three weeks ago. I went in for an interview with them and they pretty much offered me a seasonal cashier job; something that wasn't really going to help our situation much but may be a stepping stone in the right direction. We pondered it and prayed about it and it just seemed wrong so I turned it down. Two days ago however, they called me back. Told me that they had posted a part-time position as a customer service rep and that they would be very interested in hiring me for the position if I wanted to apply for it. So I did, not really knowing the details but keeping faith that this could possibly be a little Godwink.

They called me again tonight to tell me that I had the job, I got the details and it's PERFECT. I'll be working right around 30 hours a week with the possibility of more if I want more. The best part is that it's only 3 days a week, the weekend (which kind of sucks) but at the same time is kind of perfect. I'll have Monday through Thursday off to spend with Henry (I"ll get to be a stay at home momma!!!) and then he'll have to go see his grandparents on Friday and half a day on Saturday but then he'll get to spend the whole day with daddy on Sunday. I couldn't be happier. I'm still really disappointed that I'll have to work Sundays. I was really hoping to get them off. But at the same time, I know that God works in mysterious ways and this is exactly what I was praying for. Perhaps we'll just have to take up all the Wednesday night activities at church instead.

Either way, I am so excited. I am just....well, elated. I can't wait for my little man to get here and spend all those precious moments with him that I have been in fear of missing for months now. Wow, God is good. =)

Scared

2011-03-11T21:04:00.001-05:00

I became so very scared for the first time in a very long time today.

Scared of what is happening in the world around us.

Scared of what the future may hold.

Scared that I'm bringing a precious little being into this mess.

Scared that God is angry and hurt.

Scared that time is swiftly running out...

The Great Gatsby

2011-03-09T08:46:00.003-05:00

I saw on my yahoo news ticker this morning that the mansion that is believed to have inspired 'The Great Gatsby' is going to be torn down. The Great Gatsby is one of my all-time favorite books, I could read it over and over again. I wrote this poem a couple of years ago based around the same concepts as the book. Occasionally I'll remember something and want to share it again, not so much because I want others to read it but because I want to read it myself and have it present again in my life, just a click away... is that silly?

A 'Great Gatsby' Kind Of Love.

We had a 'Great Gatsby' kind of love:

him on the side and me in the middle.

Loved but not.

The twinkle in her eye would kill me

her melodocious laugh haunt me.

This place was built for her.

Generations of old money turned to dust,

all for her.

Anything she wanted, all she could ask for

handed to her on my own silver platter.

Along with my heart.

Rolling hills, cobble paths, ponds, trees;

her dreams.

I would have given my life for her

but in the end, I suppose I did.

So much for nothing; a ransom without a note.

Her prize possession left behind double doors.

I could stand it no more.

The shine was still there, the cold, slick touch.

Not a scratch to be found.

This was her baby.

If I could, I would destroy it myself.

Light a match, watch it burn:

out of my existance, forever gone.

But I can not, will not;

her love still flows within my blood.

The feel of the purple leather againt my skin

sends shivers up my spine.

Memories flood the banks of my mind:

her and him, her and I.

Rumbling to life silently,

the tears fill my eyes.

To bury her was the easy part.

It was coming home to this car.

It was coming home to an empty home.

It was seeing him standing alone, his heart torn.

It was the memories impossible to leave behind,

heart-wrenching memories.

They were the bullets that penetrated my soul.

Parking at her favorite spot,

atop this bridge, that was built for her:

her name engraved within the stone;

I am not strong.

I am not a man.

I am lost within the caverns of a broken existance.

This is where her baby belongs:

at the bottom of a shallow grave.

Left for the earth and water to slowly eat at her;

just like my soul-mate, my love.

I watch as it rolls into the silent depths,

the sound of the splash unheard over my roaring mind.

Here is where it belongs.

The fog is rising around me,

the night falling quickly.

Turning, I begin my trudge towards a home:

a home that is no longer my own.

My suit is warmer than what I ever remember it being:

her favorite suit: all black with no tie.

My face is hot with tears,

spilled for her, for her baby and mostly, for me.

I wonder where he is,

if he feels the way I do.

Like an animal after it's prey,

we were victims of her game.

The fault all her own.

Like a story ended in tragedy,

tears were shed as the cover fell closed.

She pulled us into a 'Great Gatsby' kind of love.

Only to leave two men broken,

alone.

I can't help but think that I loved her first,

and that fact, makes her mine.

But the true question exists in the back of my mind;

was it him or me that she dreamed of at night?

A week of firsts

2011-03-02T21:29:00.002-05:00

What a week it's been already.

I'm just ranting really. I've had about 4 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours so you'll have to excuse me if I'm not all there.

I went to the emergency room for the first time ever for myself.

I had my first real medical scare...

My first IV.

My first cat-scan.

I have pneumonia apparently but I have to say it's better than the first diagnosis which was a number of blood clots in my lungs. Talk about scaring me to death. Now I'm just praying that the cat-scan wasn't harmful to my precious baby in anyway. I'm pretty exhausted but I'm in so much pain that it's completely unbearable to lay down and I'm not very good at sleeping sitting up. With the combination of about five different medications the pain seems to be slowly relieving though, so hopefully things will be easier tomorrow.

My brother left from his leave home to Texas the same day I was rushed to the ER so I didn't get to say goodbye. Today I found out that he received a ship date and will be going to Afghanistan in October but he promises he's going to do his best to take his next leave in August so he can meet his new niece or nephew upon their arrival. I sure hope he'll be able to.

A Baby Story: Month Four :: Quite honestly, my dear, I'm terrified.

2011-02-24T07:50:00.004-05:00

We've done a lot of talking lately, contemplating the future and what it holds for us and our little baby tucked safely in my tummy. I've spoken the word terrified more than once, more than a few times actually. It leaves my lips every time I start to think about it.

I'm so, so happy. I've been accused of being one of those women who's attitude changes so drastically at the mention of my belly or my baby that it's like a drug for me. I can't help but light up and want to talk and talk about it. I'm just excited. I can't wait for my precious one to be here.

But yes, I am terrified. We have five months to figure so much out and it honestly seems very close to impossible.

Right now I'm carrying our insurance, which is fine. I have no intentions of not working through-out the rest of my pregnancy. But after birth, when I can hold him/her in my arms, I don't plan on going back. I won't have someone else raising my children. I'm hoping to pick-up another babysitting job like I had before where I could work and still be there for my child but we will see. The money isn't the most important part, it's the idea of going without insurance that's terrifying. Especially with a newborn in the house. This means Jeremy may have to leave the job that he worked so hard for, that we prayed so hard for that, that he loves so much so that insurance is more available. That breaks my heart. It just wrings me with guilt even if it may be necessary.

That's the most terrifying part right now I guess, or at least the most stressful. The worry about what's to come and the unknown. Although I will admit, the idea of being a mother, of going into a delivery room as just Jeremy and I and then leaving with another human being who is so dependent on us, is one of the most terrifying things I can imagine doing. I kind of want to look someone square in the eye and ask them, seriously, how in the world do you think I'm ready for this?? I'm sure I'm not the first mother-to-be that has felt this way. I'm sure I will be a great mommy. It's the idea behind the fact that I'm going to have this precious little baby and it's life is literally in my hands. Whoa. It almost takes my breath away.

I try to put the fears aside on most days and know that God is in control. Clearly He felt that we were ready to be parents and He knows our situation and He won't let us go without the things we need, I know. The only thing I can do now is pray and push through each day, cherishing my growing tummy and the excitement and newness of life to come.

Seven Times Seventy Times

2011-02-22T11:54:00.003-05:00

So there's this new song out by Chris August and I'd heard bits and pieces of it but hadn't really heard it all or really listened to it until today. I was driving home from the grocery and it came on and I cranked up the radio and listened to the words. I do this a lot, I find that God speaks through His music but just like reading your Bible or listening to a sermon, you have to really listen to hear Him. So I listened and He spoke and before I knew it I was bawling my eyes out. (I do this a lot too, I'm a crier)

This song was my life, growing up and doing it too quickly. There were fights, neglect, abuse, alcohol, drugs, violence. You name it, I saw it and felt it and lived it. But life is not about the situations that you're in but how you take those situations and learn and grow from them. I've been close with others who went through the same things as I did growing up and I have to say, there's a line drawn and some stand on one side and some stand on the other. Those who grew from what they experienced stand on one side, some, like me, have relationships with those who at one time hurt them the most. They've learned to forgive and they've learned how to love. Then there are the others who remain angry and hurt and stuck. They are stuck in what happened to them and the thought of forgiving is an insane thought. They stand pointing fingers, blaming everything in their lives on someone else.

Sure, I still hurt at times. But I never look at those that hurt me in hatred, I don't point fingers and I don't blame them for every issue or problem that arises in my life. I know I couldn't have done that by myself, God is so amazing, so loving, He takes every bit of anger and turns it into forgiveness, understanding and compassion. I owe my life to Him. Without Him, I could be the one standing there, full of anger and hurt and just plain stuck.

::7x70::

I've been living in this house here

Since the day that I was born

These walls have seen me happy

But most of all they've seen me torn

They have heard the screaming matches

That made a family fall apart

They've had a front row seat for the breaking of my heart

Seven times seventy times

I'll do what it takes to make it right

I thought the pain was here to stay

But forgiveness made a way

Seven times seventy times

There's healing in the air tonight

I'm reaching up to pull it down

Gonna wrap it all around

I remember running down the hallway playing hide and seek

I didn't know that I was searching for someone to notice me

I felt alone and undiscovered

And old enough to understand

Just when I'm supposed to be learning to love

You let me down again

Seven times seventy times

I'll do what it takes to make it right

I thought the pain was here to stay

But forgiveness made a way

Seven times seventy times

There's healing in the air tonight

I'm reaching up to pull it down

Gonna wrap it all around

I lost count of the ways you let me down

But no matter how many times you weren't around

I'm alright now…cause God picked up my heart and helped me through

And shined light on the one thing left to do

And that's forgive you, I forgive you

Seven times seventy times

I'll do what it takes to make it right

I thought the pain was here to stay

But forgiveness made a way

Seven times seventy times

There's healing in the air tonight

I'm reaching up to pull it down

Gonna wrap it all around

I've been living in this house here since the day that I was born

The Battle of Selves

2011-02-09T19:59:00.003-05:00

I'm stuck tonight, between selves. And although I can feel one (the good one, the one I should be) tugging stronger than the other, my defiant self is fighting right back with full force. I'm going to blame the hormones because it's the easy way out and besides, I don't really need an excuse. No one would haven even known if I didn't tell them.

I was called into work today. I know that statement isn't profound or meaningful in anyway but it infuriated me. I had things planned and I had to cancel them. I hate canceling plans when the canceling isn't done by my own reasoning. One self wanted to yell, cry, be angry and frustrated at the situation. Another self knew that this is part of life and that the easiest thing to do was be a big girl about it and suck it up. That self won. I went to work, I got over it. I'm home now.

Jeremy booked our cruise today, he also bought tickets for a concert coming up in a couple of weeks. My concert. A Brandon Heath concert. Sure, other people go, other people love his music. But when I'm there, it's just me, my husband and his music. The world stops for awhile and I love it. Now if I could just convince BH of the same. Maybe I'd be named a special guest and have to stop paying for all these tickets. Wishful thinking, I know. Now for the battle, selves are yelling and arguing and there hasn't been a winner named yet.

We're having a baby. We're going on a cruise. We're spending money. One self shoots an arrow that reminds me that's what it's there for. Another self sends one over that reminds me of all we need to buy, all the changes that will be made, how that extra money may be crucial in the future. The exchanges go back and forth and I'm reminded that Jeremy and I talked this over, we have a plan, we know what we're doing. An angry arrow pierces flesh and I wince, thinking that perhaps we're acting like silly kids instead of mature grown-ups.

Then there's that. The grown-up part. Neither self really feels grown-up, more or less they just act like it. It's like a game, make-believe. We're all playing house, pretending with our best imaginations that it's real. I kinda hope I never wake up and realize that it is.

Oh but a final battle is raging tonight. It's the big finale, the war of wars. Oh yes, it's all about the husband. Where is he? Oh...I know, one self says...he's out, buying another car. Hey, hey, hey the other self adds, you know why he's doing that and this car, well, it will probably completely pay for that vacation! The first self chuckles, notes that it's 8:30, that a stomach is grumbling and with hands on hips waits for an explosion.

Oh calming self, please be with me. He means good and I do love him...

A Baby Story: Month Three & The Great Relief

2011-01-26T08:22:00.002-05:00

As I recall the first 3 weeks of this month, the words that come directly to mind are sick, cranky and tired. My husband would probably add especially to that cranky. At one point he just looked at me and asked if he was being insensitive because he was so confused by some of my reactions to the simplest of things. I feel for him, I know I've been a bit weird lately and even I feel a bit taken back by myself at times. However, relief seems to have come. Finally!

My sickness is slowly fading.

My energy is returning.

And best of all... my cranky-tude seems to be tuning itself down a notch or two.

I've discovered that there are certain foods just not suitable for my pregnant belly (no more Mexican, Chinese, hot sauce or french fries *sigh*) and that if my body says to get up, it's best just to get up rather than fighting to go back to sleep.

Best of all this month we were given an ultrasound date for discovering the sex of the baby (APRIL 6th!!). I think I've settled on wanting a girl because of how much it would mean to my grandmother to have a little one named after her and her sister (who is actually my real great-grandmother). Just don't tell my husband that I've changed my mind. A boy will be absolutely fine too.

Six months seems so far away but I'm sure it will go by faster than I can imagine. In the meantime I'm going to have to go shopping soon because my jeans will no longer button and we're planning a 'babymoon' for this March. Hopefully somewhere warm, with sand. (Did I hear someone say a cruise?) Part of me is sad to know that this will be our last big vacation just the two of us and probably the only one for awhile. But another part of me is excited to show our child all of the amazing things out in the world that I didn't get to see growing up.

In other news, my brother comes home from Korea on February 10th for two weeks before heading to Texas where he will be stationed until he receives a ship date. I'm so stinkin' excited that it's ridiculous. We finally found some sort of workable schedule so that we get to talk more now & let me tell you, the boy cracks me up. He keeps me going some days and as weird as it sounds, I believe we all have many soul mates and he is one of mine. I'll be sad when he leaves again but at least he'll be in the country this time.

Clearly I had a lot on my mind today. My second trimester is right around the corner and I'm looking forward to seeing how my thoughts and my body and my life progresses and changes.

A Baby Story: Month One & Two

2011-01-02T19:59:00.003-05:00

Two entire months of pregnancy have come and gone faster than I could have ever imagined. It's hard to believe that we found out that we were expecting a little miracle an entire month ago although all of the pregnancy symptoms have me more than convinced that there's a little one there! It's been a pretty rough start but I feel as if things have started to calm down. Hopefully within the next month all of this horrible sickness will have gone away too!

It's hard to grasp how much our lives are going to change in a few short months. It must be the nesting instinct within me, but all I can think of is preparations. I've been going through old clothes and tubs and getting rid of things that I never thought I'd get rid of to make room for baby. I've been cleaning corners and closets and scrubbing floors and windows. I know it's early but I just feel the need to...well, prepare.

We already have an overabundance of toys and clothes that have been given to us that I need to go through and everyone seems extremely convinced that we're going to be great parents. I on the other hand am pretty anxious, not having my own mother in my life and knowing that my grandmother is an hour away and really in no shape to help. I hope that I don't become overwhelmed in the coming months with 'what-ifs' and just trust that all of my previous experience with other people's babies will carry on to my own.

Our first ultrasound experience was truly amazing and we'll get to see our little peanut again here in a couple of weeks. I'm sure he or she will look much more like a baby this time! In the meantime I'm hoping that all of the exhaustion and morning sickness will start to fade, I'm sick 90% of the day and it really, really sucks. I wouldn't trade it for anything though, knowing that it's caused by our precious little one!

New Years Resolutions

2010-12-30T21:30:00.003-05:00

It's that time of year again, time to make resolutions that most of us will never keep. I know I usually don't keep mine. I'm going to try to be more determined this year and make changes that I'm pretty sure I'll be able to keep.

First and foremost, in 2011, I plan on gaining weight. Should be an easy one for sure. =P (Although so far in my pregnancy I've lost 14 pounds, I think it's the lack of eating and throwing up.)

Second, I plan on writing more. My sister-in-law bought me a beautiful pregnancy journal for Christmas and I figure it will be a really great start.

Third, I joined a weekly photo group on Flickr. I miss Flickr. I miss my Flickr friends and I miss the joy of posting my photos and viewing other's photos. I figure commiting to one photo a week shouldn't be too hard.

Fourth, I want to become more involved in our church. It's so hard going from a small church where you know everyone and have known everyone for many years to going to a much larger church that has so many programs and activities. It's hard to figure out which ones to choose and it's even harder to put yourself out there and just try to make new friends. Jeremy and I have been so lucky to know so many supportive people within the congregation, but it's time to make big moves and get involved.

Fifth, I'm going to make a commitment to myself and to my family to keep our place more tidy. Sometimes the smallest things get tossed to the side until the next day or the next day although they take two minutes. (Like, folding the laundry instead of letting it sit in the dryer or throwing out left overs when they're a few days old.) I know it's silly but I want our baby to be born into good habits and I'm determined to make some better ones in the near future.

Overall, I want to do a lot of things honestly. Jeremy and I have a lot of big decisions coming up and big (very big) changes as well. These are just the things that come directly to my mind and I'm going to try to be more determined. We hope 2011 finds you all well and blessed!

When Ordinary People Change Your Life

2010-12-19T20:55:00.002-05:00

I had a lady come into work today that I'm sure I will not forget for a very long time. The first thing she did was warn me. She warned me that this photo session was going to be different for me, that emotions were going to run high and that I must excuse them if things don't go according to a 'usual' plan. I didn't mind. I like to shake things up a bit and they were one of my last sessions of the night.

I have to say, I held back tears all evening long.

She told me that she was meeting her granddaughter for the very first time. She had four others there with her but this one had been denied by it's father (her son) although there was clear evidence pointing otherwise. So she walked in and there were tears and one scared little girl and we took pictures and everytime I snapped a photo, she cried. They were all there together and that memory was going to get to stay with her because this session was taking place. I could barely hold back the tears myself.

They gave the little girl presents there, shared hugs and pieces of gum. I felt so blessed to be witnessing such a beautiful little miracle of love and togetherness. It was clear that all this lady wanted was to be a part of her granddaughter's life even while having so many others surrounding her.

So she continued.

She continued to tell me that her husband had just found out earlier in the week that he was going to have to have a heart transplant. She told me that the insurance was threatening to drop them and that although they will cover the surgery itself, they refuse to cover any of the medication that he has to take to prepare for it. She said they'd already spent $20,000. She just kept crying. I again, could barely hold back.

So we picked out our favorite pictures and she placed her order and I swear she told me a million times that I had such amazing patience. I swear it's not true although I hear it all the time. Then she went to tell me that she had 4 children, all of them with children...none of them married. And one son without any children whom she worries so much about because he's so innocent and loving and God-fearing, that she fears he will never find someone to love.

I told her not to worry and to keep praying. God has answers to all of her concerns.

Then I did cry. I cried as they walked away and I heard them plan exchanging the pictures while her son was away at drill. I cried at how sad the situation was and how much I wished I could help this lady. But all I could do was pray and so I did...and I know it will help, even if she doesn't know so.

Peanut

2010-12-05T22:02:00.001-05:00

I'm just posting this here because I like the little widget for myself and I don't really want to put it on Facebook. Jeremy and I are very excited about our little peanut though!

In the year 2010

2010-11-24T08:24:00.002-05:00

It's hard to believe that 2010 is almost over. I can't tell you what we did, or what we didn't do or what dreams we had hoped to accomplish and have yet to. Time moves so quickly and it's impossible to slow it down, as much as I wish we could. Tomorrow we celebrate Thanksgiving and I'm so very thankful for so many things, we are truly blessed beyond anything we could possibly deserve. We give all the glory to God, without Him we would be no where...and I assure you that Jeremy would say the same.

In less than a month Jeremy and I will celebrate our two year anniversary. What an amazing journey these two years have been! I wouldn't trade any of it for the world, through ups and downs, we have discovered the hidden sides of one another and it has brought us so much closer together. There is a secrecy about marriage, that look that's shared across the table, small gestures and phrases, things that no one else around you understands. I love that, having someone to share every bit of your life with with no judgement or misunderstanding. We get each other and that in itself is priceless.

We both started new jobs this year. Jeremy worked hard to get a place at Ray's Tune-Up and he's very happy there. I think his dreams are to do the same as the current owner did and work there until he can own the place himself. I love walking into those doors, I love thinking about how it's been 'handed' down and how a pattern has formed. I know my husband would keep that legacy going.

I just started working at the PictureMe Portrait Studios. I'm loving it so far although being dropped immediately into a management position has ruffled a few of my coworkers feathers. I'm sure everything will smooth itself over with time. It feels good to work again and it feels even better to know that the more effort I put in, the more I'll be compensated. It's not often that you find a place that works like that. I'm hoping in the near future to do more photography on my own outside of the studio.

As far as 2010 goes, things went pretty well. We both found jobs that we love. We finally got health insurance. We took a wonderful cruise and did some other traveling as well. We moved out of the city and into the sleepy village of Pleasant Hill, which I personally love. We've been to concerts and parties, made new friends and spent time with old ones.

One of the biggest decisions we made this year was to bring another member into the family. Little Mason will be one in January and he's grown sooo much. He's spoiled rotten. He sleeps right between us every night in bed and has the pleasure of going every where that we go (with a few exceptions, of course). He really is our kid and we treat him accordingly. Stinky on the other hand, still does not like his younger brother. Oh well, tough love!

With 2011 right around the corner, we've already started making big plans. We're hoping to buy a house and have been looking a lot lately. We're asking that we have a lot of prayer in this process because we've been saving for 2 years for this purpose and are hoping to avoid loans of any huge amount. We're also hoping to add another addition to our family...only this time the human kind. We're not exactly trying...yet. But we feel as if we're ready and we know the time will come soon. Prayers in this aspect as well, please! In the meantime we're focusing on our jobs, our lives together and perhaps another vacation. (We cant' stand to sit still long.) We hope that 2010 ends well for you all and that 2011 brings you great joy and peace.

I'm Letting Go...

2010-11-01T09:38:00.002-04:00

You know that song by Francesca Battistelli? It goes:

'I'm letting go of the life I've planned for me and my dreams.'

That's where I'm at right now. Letting go and letting God, despite how much it hurts deep down to bury the things that I want the most in life. I found myself sobbing in the shower last night, praying and begging that God would just comfort my soul and relieve me of the hurt that was tearing at my heart.

It was silly, really...all because what I want in life right now is not in God's plans for me yet, or ever. That's all in his hands, in his control. And I was being selfish, petty. I was like a little child stomping their foot, demanding that I have it my way, right now despite knowing that Daddy knows best and what He says goes.

So I'm taking deep breaths, I'm praying for patience and knowing that with God at the wheel, I cannot be steered in a wrong direction. I know in the end I'll look back and be surprised that I was ever upset because Daddy knows best and for all I know, He has something great planned for me now...and those dreams that keep tugging at my heart, well, they just had to wait.

When God is in control..

2010-10-13T21:19:00.002-04:00

About a week and a half ago my husband and I were attending our old church when a friend shared some very upsetting news with us. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. My first thought was to go, to help...but I soon realized that I was beyond helping. I was heartbroken. We both were.

We've thought about it a lot since then; the situation and our feelings surrounding it. We've talked about it almost every night and well, I think I've finally gotten my thoughts together.

We are too quick to judge.
We are selfish.
We have forgotten that GOD is in control!

All things work together for His greater good. Everything. Even this and all that led up to this.

I do not feel sorry for this man. My opinion of him has not changed. His own opinion has, I know...but I will always view him as a father figure. He will always be the man that I know he is in my mind's eye...and my husband's as well.

We all fall from grace. We all have battles that we feel we can not fight. I mostly wish I could tell him how much he means to me without it seeming like...sympathy, I guess. I'm at peace with it all at this point. I know that God will take care of him and all that he's been through. God loves him and so do I. I just ask that any and all who read this keep him in your prayers. I know he needs them and would appreciate them greatly.

Ah-ha!

2010-10-02T22:57:00.002-04:00

I've had quite a few 'ah-ha' moments lately and I have to say, it's not so bad. Realization can be a really good thing. I'm very content with where my life is right now. It's pretty much fantastic, even on the bad days. I am so very blessed. God is so very good.

Day 40

2010-09-24T16:18:00.007-04:00

"Of all the things love dares to do, this the ultimate. Though threatened, it keeps pursuing. Though challenged, it keeps moving forward. Though mistreated and rejected, it refuses to give up.

Love never fails."

After our little rough spot, Jeremy and I decided to challenge our marriage and read and do 'The Love Dare'. It's funny really, we watched 'Fireproof' (the book is the main focus point in the movie) before we were married and loved it so much that we used their concept of salt and pepper shakers as our topper for our wedding cake. Little did we know, we'd actually be doing The Love Dare ourselves not two years later.

Today was our last day.

It was quite the experience. Words cannot explain how doing this together has evolved our marriage from rough in spots to absolute bliss no matter the situation. We have learned so much and I love my husband for so many reasons...

I love him because he reminds me every day that I am special to him. I am beautiful. I am loved and I always will be.

I love him because he holds my hand everywhere we go, when we pray and when we're singing together at church.

I love him because he shares everything with me, his secrets, his feelings, even things that I really didn't need (or want) to know.

I love him because he does the dishes. Okay, I may even love him double for this.

I love him because he understands how important it is to me to be a stay-at-home mommy one day. Even if that means us struggling to make it for awhile.

I love him because he understands my desire to be mommy...and has done everything he can to make it happen soon.

I love him because he always opens the car door for me. Sometimes he even buckles my seatbelt...but that's just because he's silly.

I love him because he's silly. He always makes me laugh.

I love him because he understands my crazy love for animals and that he's totally accepted the fact that our home one day will be packed to the gills with random cats, dogs, rabbits, birds, pigs...well, let's just say 'pets'.

I love him because he lets me sleep on him while we're watching tv on the couch and he doesn't even change my show when I start snoring.

I love him because he patiently explains things that I don't understand over and over again without ever getting annoyed.

I love him because he kisses me and the doggie goodnight every night. He would kiss the cat too but the cat's not to fond of kisses.

I love him because he goes to bed with me every night, even though I go to bed way early and I know he's not tired most of the time.

I love him because he wakes up at the crack of dawn to kiss me goodbye and wish me a good day every morning. I know how easy it would be for him to just sleep in.

I love him because he brings me home flowers, messages on pizza boxes and little trinkets all of the time to let me know that he was thinking of me.

I love him because he brags about me all the time...although it can be embarassing at times too.

I love him because he lets me spend way too much money on flowers and decorations for my favorite seasons.

I love him because he never gets angry when I make a stupid mistake.

I love him because he'll do anything and everything to keep me entertained, even if that means just a drive around in the truck.

I love him because he encourages my hobbies and dreams.

I love him because he loves me. For me. No matter what. It's such an amazing feeling to go through life knowing that you have someone so great to share all of your good times and bad times with.

Forever

2010-09-17T15:05:00.003-04:00

Waning and waxing; just like the moon.

Love follows the tides: In and Out, Up and Down.

I see you with new eyes. My heart skips when I hear your name and it flips when you walk into a room. Still. It took rationalizing, picturing and imagining walking away to tear away the last shred of life without you from my mind. And now I couldn't do it. Ever. I've lost all of who I am within what we've created. This life is the only one I know and what was before...well, it has vanished. There is no longer a 'me' and I no longer see a 'you'. There is only an 'us' and the rope that twines 'us' together is made of unbreakable twine. There's no seperating involved. It's impossible. The possibilities in the future are endless. The hopes for tomorrows are abundant. We are blessed. I cherish those moments that other's don't see; our morning devotional, our afternoon phone calls, our evening shower and our good night embrace. The love that has washed over our lives is not of this world. It is not explainable. It does not speak. It does not move. It simply binds and cleanses what is meant to be and what is meant to be is simply 'us'. Forever.

Perfection in this Life

2010-09-11T19:25:00.003-04:00

I don’t have to be perfect to know that I could be. In this world of too big and too small, too fast and too slow, too rich and too poor…I still know that I am capable of perfection. Just not here.

Have you ever watched a flower unfold? My husband and I was invited over to our neighbors house one evening right as the sun was going down to watch the many buds growing slowly uncurl and then burst open into a beautiful, blooming flower. It was like birth. Something so small and incapable of much making it’s appearance to the world and becoming something beautiful to be admired and loved. It will grow and produce and then it will slowly begin to wither, losing it’s beautiful petals and then quickly fading away.

Just like life. Our lives. The lives of our grandmothers and grandfathers, mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers. The lives that will be our children’s and grandchildren’s. The cycle of life never ends.

But not without leaving something behind. Tiny seeds will fall and in the future, those tiny bits of nothing will turn into beautiful flowers just like the ones before it. Each flower will take bits of the last with it, it’s color and smell and attributes.

Just like us. We are constantly absorbing bits and pieces of the world around us. We learn from our parents and grandparents, our brothers and sisters and friends. We are constantly fed that there is a certain way of being and if we don’t conform to this, our lives will be unfulfilled and empty. It’s almost as if we think that if we don’t follow their lead, we will miss the meaning of life.

Sometimes adapting these attributes are a good thing: My father is honest. My brother never waivers from what he believes. My grandfather was a hard worker and my grandmother was a prayer-warrior. Other times they’re best left untouched: My mother was a manipulator. My sister constantly lives in fear. My best friend will never admit when she’s wrong.

In this life of constant influence, we have to pick who we will be, who we want to be around us and what attributes are best adapted or discarded. The lives of our children, our grandchildren and those after us will depend on our decisions. Our daughters will respect themselves as much as we do, our sons will learn confidence from watching their fathers. The future weighs constantly on our shoulders and although we can not perfect ourselves in this life, God will not fail to one day show us where we have failed when we could have succeeded.

‘Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope. You’re going to do great things, I already know. God’s got His hand on you so don’t live life in fear. Forgive and forget but don’t forget why you’re here. Take your time to pray. These are the words I would say.’

Fearless: Remembering 9/11

2010-09-11T14:46:00.004-04:00

Today we take time to remember the tragedy of the attacks of our country nine years ago. I've thought about it a lot myself. I remembered this little tid-bit from the publisher on Max Lucado's book 'Fearless' and thought it was a great way of looking at today.

"Each sunrise seems to bring fresh reasons for fear.

They’re talking layoffs at work, slowdowns in the economy, flare-ups in the Middle East, turnovers at headquarters, downturns in the housing market, upswings in global warming. The plague of our day, terrorism, begins with the word terror. Fear, it seems, has taken up a hundred-year lease on the building next door and set up shop. Oversized and rude, fear herds us into a prison of unlocked doors. Wouldn’t it be great to walk out?

Imagine your life, wholly untouched by angst. What if faith, not fear, was your default reaction to threats? If you could hover a fear magnet over your heart and extract every last shaving of dread, insecurity, or doubt, what would remain? Envision a day, just one day, where you could trust more and fear less.

Can you imagine your life without fear? "

How amazing it is that we can live without fear through our amazing, powerful God! I haven't read 'Fearless' yet, but I'm looking forward to picking it up in the future. I bought my husband the new Switchfoot this week (via the photo) and one of their songs reminded me so much of today. It's called 'The Sound'.

The static comes in slow
You can feel it grow
Our stream of conscience flows
Under the streets below

The rivers made of sound
Still running underground
Runs like a silent flood
We run as thick as blood

Can you hear it rise
Up from the ground?
Can't drown it out
Can you hear it now?

This is the sound
Of a heartbeat
This is the sound
From the discontented mouths
Of a haunted nation

We are the voice of breaking down
Can you hear me?

This is the sound
Of the desperation bound
By our own collision
We are the voice of breaking down

The static comes alive
Beneath the broken skies
John Perkins said it right
Love is the final fight

Let it rise above
Rise above
There is no song
Louder than love

Let's remember today knowing that we can live without fear and cling to the hope that there will never be a song louder than God's love.

Get Behind Me

2010-09-04T22:08:00.000-04:00

'Get behind me, Satan!!' I've found myself saying this many times this week. He has been nipping at my heels every second that he possibly could. My prayer every morning has been for patience, kindness and love to fill my heart. It has been that gossip would not fall on my ears and that my mouth would speak evil of no one. It has been that others would see me as a gentle, positive person, excluding all negative aspects from their view and mine. It has been hard. Everything has went wrong. Too many people coming to me to vent, to gossip...

No coffee filters. Toliets stopping up. Drains overflowing. Orders being wrong. Shipments not arriving. Stock running out. People running late. Long days. Late nights. Early mornings.

Every day: 'Get behind me, Satan!' It has been such a long week but God carried me through and although I am tired, I know that He will never allow more to fall on my shoulders than what I can hande. I will continue to pray for patience, kindness and love...no matter how rough of a week that Satan will dish out to me.

Lucky

2010-09-02T21:08:00.004-04:00

So we lit some candles.
Ordered chinese in.
And we talked.

We talked about the future.
How unknown it remains.
We talked about the past.
And how it's unchanged.

I cried.
We laughed.
It was perfect.

This is the life I dreamed about as a little girl.
I am so, so lucky.

Thirst

2010-09-01T18:49:00.005-04:00

"How in the world can a person be born, be educated, fall in or out of love, have a job, be married, give birth, raise kids, see death, cry, scream, giggle, drink, eat, smoke, climb up or down the ladder, retire, and die without ever asking why? Never asking "Why am I here?" Or, worse yet, asking why and being content with no answer. The most deadly trick of Satan is not to rob us of answers. It's to steal our questions."

- Max Lucado

I've fallen in love with Mr. Lucado lately. The Troy Library is missing most of his books because they are piled on the coffee table, the back of the couch, the end table and the floor next to my side of the bed. I've had a thirst that is just unquenchable. I want more. I need more. There is something great coming, friends. God is preparing me. I can only imagine what for, but I am excited. And a bit scared.

Be prayerful, please. And read that quote again, it's pretty powerful.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

2010-08-23T16:15:00.002-04:00

Romans 8:31-39 (NIV)

(31) What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? (32) He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? (33) Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. (34) Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. (35) Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? (36) As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." (37) No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. (38) For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, (39) neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

--------------------------------------------------

I've been thinking about fear a lot lately. Fear of anything, not just death or lonliness or the more common 'big' fears that people have. I'm talking about fear of spiders, snakes, bumps in the night or just the dark. I'm talking about walking down a dark alley at night by yourself, not concerned whether or not someone will jump from behind the next corner and steal your purse or even worse. I'm talking about any and all fear, no matter how big or how small.

All fears can be conquered. All fears SHOULD be conquered. What an amazing and huge realization is that? I can't tell you the amount of times that I've read or heard this verse. Romans 8: 31 'If God be for us, who can be against us?'

But it's never meant so much before. It's never hit home like it has lately. I can do ANYTHING through my all powerful God. He will never leave my side. He will never fail to keep me safe. If something horrible happens to me, it is at my own lack of faith in Him. I can walk without fear in a world full of danger. I can stare fear in the face and only grin because my safety is in the hands of someone much more powerful than fear. I am just in awe of that fact.

If only we could all grasp the realization of the truth in those words. We would live such a peaceful lifestyle, without the fear of bankruptcy, death, lonliness...and yes, even spiders. Wow, what an amazing God we are blessed to serve.

So there it is...

2010-08-14T19:16:00.000-04:00

So there it is...all of me given, all of me present and bare and exposed. You can't ignore me now. You can't walk away without this image of vulnerability seared into your head.

I wouldn't want it any other way.

I've given up. I'm not sure if it's hope or fight, but it's no longer there. Where that leaves me now, I'm unsure.

At least I tried.

There is nothing different here although...everything is different. I can fall back into the familiarity of what things were, better or not, or I can accept the reality of it all. Figuring out what that reality is...that, that is the hard part.

For once I am not scared. For once I feel strong. For once I feel confident enough to be who I know I can be.

This song has played over and over in my head lately, it just says so, so much.

"I'm Moving On"

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demonsFinally content with a past I regretI've found you find strength in your moments of weaknessFor once I'm at peace with myselfI've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the facesEach one is different but they're always the sameThey mean me no harm but it's time that I face itThey'll never allow me to changeBut I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for meAnd I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not aloneThere comes a time in everyone's lifeWhen all you can see are the years passing byAnd I have made up my mind that those days are gone

50 Little Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband

2010-08-04T20:38:00.002-04:00

50 Little Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband - Number Five

"It's always possible to go Faster."

(That's a tractor...pulling a HUGE, HEAVY sled. Impressive, I know.)

I was never into racing. Growing up my brothers and I would huddle around the television to watch football but we rarely watched any other sport. We were something to see too. Nothing is ever a 'small' event in my family. A big football game meant dragging out our jersey's, painting up our faces and hanging posters up all over the house. We'd even go as far as to seperate the living room into two; fans of opposite teams are just not meant to sit together when watching football.

When I met my husband, I was immediately thrown into the world of engines (Racing would be a better word here but this extends so much further than the realm of racing. It's about power and torque. It's about what's in the car, not the car itself. You would have to know my husband, ya know...the high performance engine builder that he is...to understand.) And when I say immediately, I mean IMMEDIATELY. Our first date was a trip to Muncie, Indiana to watch some drag racing. We ate at Taco Bell afterwards, not the most romantic date but I will never forget it. After that day engines have become a huge part of my life.

I can not begin to tell you how many dinners I have spent smiling and nodding my head, pretending to understand how the heads work with the pistons and why it's important to have the right gasket or how a big block is different from a small block and etc. I've also learned that NOS is never to be said as 'NOS'... it's nitros people!

But despite the lack of understanding, I've found myself over the last two years actually enjoying the exhiliration of starting up a race engine for the first time or watching men and women race. I have found myself parked in a chair or a bleacher many hot days, cold nights with wind, rain...and of course dirt blowing in my face just to watch a good race. Eldora is just a hop and a skip away and so is KilKare. NASCAR, NHRA, NTPA...I know them all. I've watched men strap six engines on a tractor (AIRPLANE engines, I should add) just to get a little more power. I've been through many pair of earplugs and hoodies, shoes and chairs. (Yes, chairs.) Through it all if there's one thing I've learned it's that just when you think you've seen it all, someone will go faster, pull harder and push the limits to new heights for the next guys.

"It's a never ending battle of making your cars better and also trying to be better yourself." -Dale Earnhardt Sr.

Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.

2010-07-27T19:16:00.003-04:00

I'm not here to impress and despite what you may think, I'm not looking for your approval.

I don't mind sticking out.

I'll be the first to jump, the first to speak, the first to regret.

I'm okay with admitting mistake.

I can stand next to you and blend in. I can look like you, laugh like you, act like you...but I am not you. I am me and I am proud of that fact.

So what if my hair is straight and lifeless.

So what if I have dull, brown eyes.

So what if my skintone is uneven and constantly breaks out.

So what if my husband and I get into fights.

So what if I ocassionaly lose my temper.

So what if I am forgetful, clumsy and akward.

So what if I'm not perfect. So what if I don't want to act as if I am.

I don't want rhyme and reason to everything I do. I'd rather live in the moment. I'd rather take each day for all that it is and forget any and all plans for now or the future. Look down upon if you will, but it won't ruffle any of my feathers. I love my life. I know where I stand and what I believe and it makes no different to me if any one else believe it.

Goodness, goodness me.

2010-07-27T05:07:00.001-04:00

Oh goodness. Three days. I think it's about time... eek!

My Secret Love Affair With Monday

2010-07-24T14:00:00.003-04:00

I love waking in his warm embrace, no care and no worries because this is Monday and Monday allows me no harm, no worry. Monday allows me to sleep against him, never moving, never complaining. He coos me gently, urging me to relax, to sleep and to enjoy Monday. He smiles when I finally open my eyes, rejuvenated from the others. Only Monday treats me so well.

He dresses me gently in my favorite flowing dress, he leaves my hair down to dance free and wild and he slips each meaningful piece of jewelry onto it's rightful place against my skin. We sit then at the kitchen table, drinking Chai and soaking in the warmth of Monday's secret recipe. We prepare for the day without haste because this is Monday and Monday allows no hurry, no worries, only peace...calm, gentle peace.

He surrounds me with things that I love. We shop and we walk, we explore and we photograph, we write and we sing, we play and we eat. Monday pulls me into a surrender to the true essence of myself, guiding me towards the center of my being, pulling and tugging at who I know to be.

He kisses my chin, my forehead, my eyelids. He brushes his fingers against my arms, my legs, my feet. He pushes into my soul, creating a special place that will always be for him...just for him. He will stay with me the rest of my life.

He lays me down, he cups my body close to his. He whispers sweet stories into my ear about the Monday to come and he promises that he will take care of Tuesday's lack of rest, Wednesday's early hours, Thursday's laundry, Friday's sore feet, Saturday's late night and Sunday's housework. He promises and urges as I slip into sleep.

I wake up to Tuesday pushing me from my warm, comfortable bed. I count down the days, the hours, the minutes until I see Monday again. Six, one hundred and fourty-four, eight thousand six hundred and forty. I count and I wait and I dream of the day that is Monday...

That's it.

2010-07-22T18:38:00.002-04:00

It's that happy-g0-lucky-I-finally-feel-back-into-the-swing-of-things-and-can-breath-again feeling.

That's it.

I feel good today. I've felt good a lot lately, minus a few huge bumps in the road that left me feeling horrible...but good, lately. But today I feel really good. Today I finally found myself browsing through flickr with that wonder and awe and excitement. I finally found myself making dinner with a smile and snapping a few photos with contentment. I finally felt like myself. It's been awhile.

I've realized a lot about myself in the last few weeks. I've realized that I can slip into a silent and masked depression with ease and no one around me, not my husband or my friends or my family can even see it. I've realized that I'm good at keeping secrets and feelings locked somewhere deep inside where no one but myself can touch them. I've realized that for some odd reason, I have an itching to do the dishes every single night after dinner. Which is odd, I hate dishes. I've also realized that I live a super blessed life and that although it may be hard at times, it's all part of some wonderful ball of blessed amazingness that I am so lucky to be part of.

Enough said, right?

P.S. - Mason lost a tooth today. I'm such a proud puppy parent, I'm doomed when I have actually children. I can't imagine what love that is...

Whispers In The Dark

2010-07-12T20:10:00.003-04:00

She told me on a Monday...something that I should not share here. She told me what it was that will eventually take her from me, why she is choosing not to persue any medical attention and the reason why I will ultimately have to face the challenge of life without her in it.

I am not ready for this. I am not strong enough to deal with losing her. I just cannot do it.

I have had the worst of days, one of those days where all you do is cry. One of those days when you empty yourself of tears only to cry dry ones.

I am scared. I am broken and I want to make it all go away. But I can't...and I can't even explain it. Because she does not want the world to know...and I must respect that.

Opps.

2010-07-05T00:23:00.002-04:00

I had this wonderfully inspiring blog all typed up about independence and freedom and how ignorant we as Americans truly are...and I lost it. So here I am at 12:30, almost ready to pass out with absolutely nothing to contribute. I need sleep. Tomorrow I plan on adventure. I refuse to just do the ordinary. I am going to reach beyond my normal comfort zone and do something new and fun. I promise myself this. In the meantime, I am going to sleep and promise myself (and you) that I will return soon to my blog series and play 'catch up'. I am so behind.

50 Little Things That I've Learned Since I Married My Husband

2010-06-23T17:16:00.004-04:00

50 Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband - Number Four

"Sometimes all you need is a long, country drive."

I always knew that I was meant to live in the country. I've never really liked the city, I've always been more comfortable out in nature where things are still untouched and silent. I like knowing that when nightfalls, the sky is actually going to be dark and you'll be able to hear the cricket's gentle chirp. I never lived in the country though, I grew up in a small city where things were touched, but they weren't overdone. It was still peaceful at night, even if the streetlights kept your room lit up all the time. One day I hope to have a home with a cornfield behind it, a creek trickling somewhere close by, but until then we have to settle on renting. We live in a small village now...and things are peaceful, quiet. You can hear the crickets at night and there are very few streetlights to keep you awake. But when I want to get away, I've realized that a country drive cures all.

There is just something about driving in between cornfields, homes spread out farther than the eye can see, windows down and the people (and pets) you love most next to you that makes me smile. It's so peaceful, so serene and a perfect get-away when the day has been tough. I never understood the purpose of driving around aimlessly until I met my husband. After we started dating, a lot of our dates included just driving around, seeing what we could see and just enjoying one another. I've found that the best place to talk about things is in the car, away from traffic and the hustle-bustle of the world. Life is slower when you're away from everything that moves so fast. It's more peaceful and gentle.

Now I love country drives. I love watching the rows of cornfields as we pass them, the cows, horses, chickens. I love rolling down the window and just letting the wind kiss my face, play with my hair and cool me down in the summer. I love holding my husband's hand and cuddling Mason in my lap, singing along to my favorite song or just sitting in the silence. I love watching the sunset from the passenger seat and taking in all of the beauty that we pass.

A country drive can smooth over a rough day, quiet a busy mind, entertain when the evening seems boring and bring a closeness to your family when you're feeling a bit distance. There's nothing quite like it and I've found that sometimes a country drive is all you really need.

50 Little Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband

2010-06-22T18:40:00.003-04:00

50 Little Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband - Number Three

"No household should go without fresh salsa in the refridgerator at all times."

Growing up, we pretty much ate the same things. Living with two guys most of my life, most of our meals consisted of hamburgers, chili and pizza. When I got a bit older and moved in with my grandmother, I ate all of those wonderful southern homecook meals that people long for these days: cornbread and beans, corn on the cob, green beans, pork roast and mashed potatoes. It wasn't until I started dating that I fell in love with Chinese and Italian food...and it wasn't until I met my husband that I was introduced to my current best friend: Mexican.

Perhaps it was the money issue growing up, I could never imagine going to a restaurant and spending $10 a person for a meal. Or perhaps it was just the security of eating where we knew instead of branching out to something different. Whatever it was, I can't believe I missed out on so much for so long.

Now I love my southern foods, I love me a good bowl of chili or a pizza piled high with toppings. But nothing compares to sizzling fajitas in our favorie Mexican restaurant or more importantly: Fresh Made Salsa. The salsa is my favorite and after my husband and I were married, salsa became a family tradition and a 'must have' in our home. We will sit down, each of us a cutting board and each of us a knife and cut tomatos, onions, jalepenos and cilantro, mixing it all together with just the right amount of salt and lime juice to make a huge bowl of yummy salsa. (My husband's recipe, of course.)

The trick to salsa is to let it sit, let the salt begin to break down those yummy tomatos and onions and mix all those lovely tastes together. Then you have to find the perfect chips...or you can put it in an omelet, or on a turkey sandwhich, or with your hamburger (or turkey burger in our case). It pretty much goes with everything. I have my husband to thank for this yummy food, one of my ultimate favorites these days.

50 Little Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband

2010-06-21T21:28:00.003-04:00

50 Little Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband - Number Two

"The ocean is overwhelming, scary and oh so very beautiful."

(A picture of the ocean from our cruise boat this past spring.)

Before I was married, I had never seen the ocean. I had never been to a real beach, where the water stretches farther than your eye can see and you feel so small, so insignificant in this big, huge world. I had never tasted salt water or seen waves crash against the shore. I had never seen a jelly-fish or surfers or jeeps down on the sand. I had never experienced any of it and although I imagined what it would be like many times over, I could have never imagined how it would feel for real.

For our honeymoon, we went to Daytona, Sanibel Island, Fort Meyers and a few other various places in Florida. I remember when we pulled up to our hotel, we got our room figured out and then we walked down to the beach. I was in awe, I was terrified and I was immediately humbled. The vastness of the water that stretched on and on and on. The simplicity of the fact that there was more of this than anything else on this earth. That if I was to move out into the water, I would become lost, just the tiniest part of our world. I got up every morning and watched the sunrise. I found jelly fish on the beach and picked up bits and pieces of seashells. (Until we got to Sanibel and I realized that I could collect buckets and buckets of full ones.) I immediately fell in love, even if I refused to go more than knee deep into the water.

I am eternally grateful to my husband for that experience. Water is so peaceful but it can also be so powerful, so terrifying. It's an amazing gift that God has given to us to enjoy and love. We recently went on a cruise and I experienced an entire new level of ocean. Standing on shore and looking out on it's vastness is one thing, but standing on deck and seeing nothing but ocean is another. It's overwhelming but beautiful. I will say though, there is no better sleep than a bed in the middle of a gently rocking boat.

50 Little Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband

2010-06-21T14:41:00.005-04:00

I've been slacking a lot in my writing lately. At the beginning of this year I wrote every single day, pages upon pages of things. It was one of my new year's resolutions. Now I can't say that I've wrote much in the last couple of months. I've been having so much fun focusing on photography and my new camera that I've forgotten everything else. So I decided to start a Blog Series: 50 Little Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband.

As I was driving home from lunch with my husband today, I started to think about all of the little things that he has taught me in the last couple of years. Most of them are insignifcant, but some of them have really come in handy. So, I don't know if I'll post one of these a day, or two or three, or combine them. But I know I want to come up with 50...and just thinking about it now I've already come up with half of that. I hope those of you who read my little tid-bits here will enjoy them and even possibly learn a little something yourself.

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50 Little Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband - Number One

"Old things have so much more character than new."

(This is one of my grandmother's mason jars, it has seen years of fruits and veggies, winters and summers filled with wonderful goodies.)

It all started with cars; pictures of cars, comments about cars, shows about cars, drive-ins, drag-races. My husband would talk my ear off constantly about the kinds, the different years and the different details that each year held to it's own. Reluctantly, I slowly began understanding bits and pieces of what he was telling me. My eyes became open to the different shapes and sizes, colors, rust and those wonderful huge, round headlights that some of them wore. I began to understand why a car would go so much faster than another although they looked and seemed exactly the same. (This usually has something to do with the size of a motor, how well it was built and the type of fuel it runs on...weight, and shape can have a lot to do with it too.) I came to appreciate older vehicles and the wonderful character they held versus the new, slick vehicles that they are coming out with today.

Then it spread into other things. First I bought a little red chair that previously belonged to his grandpa. We both loved it; it's faded, peeling paint and the fact that we have to occasionally glue one of the legs back in because if you bump it, it just falls right off. There is so much history written into the seat of that chair, so many children had played on it, had time outs. It has been used as a plant holder, a nightstand and so many other things. Nothing new could tell stories like that chair, nothing new could look so used and loved. I was so glad I snagged it before it was sold.

Now we have all sorts of 'old' things. Bottles, books, hats, pictures, papers. My husband has an old letter written by the mayor and the sherriff of Troy verifying that his grandfather was an 'outstanding' citizen back when he first got out of the war so that he could safely hitch-hike across America. And he did too. From Ohio to California and back. Can you imagine? We have books that have notes written in them from the 1920's, little love letters and signitures. It's just so interesting.

Our biggest collection is that of salt and pepper shakers. When we were married, our cake-topper was a pair of clear salt and pepper shakers. We got the idea from the movie 'Fireproof' and both agreed that it was perfect for us. Now we have at least 15 sets, most antique but a few new. We vowed every year to go on our anniversary and pick a new pair out, so our collection will just grow and grow. I just love finding unique pairs. My favorite is an anchor with a red (salt) and green (pepper) lantern hanging from it, a rope twisting up it's length. There's so much character in each piece and I honestly adore them all.

Nothing is quite the same as antiques, nothing screams 'history' and 'character' like their little nicks and cracks, well used edges, rust and torn pages. When I go shopping these days, I look at all of the new things that the world is coming out with. I see all the straight lines and slick textures, the simple designs and I can't help but pass them by. I'd rather have something more detailed, something that's turned a bit yellow with age and that can tell stories of years past. I wasn't always like that but my husband taught me well: Old things have so much more character than new.

Father's Day - My Husband

2010-06-20T08:07:00.002-04:00

I woke up extremely giddy this morning. It took me awhile, but I found my husband Father's Day cards from the cat and the dog. I was even lucky enough to find cards with a Siamese and a Dachshund. Talk about effort! I also managed to find one from myself that was just for a partner in pet parenting...silly I know, but I love it!

The truth is, this is our family right now. We baby our pets just like they're our children. We make weekend plans only if we can include them in some way because we feel bad about the attention that we can't give them during the week while we're at work. They mean so much to us.

I look forward to the day that my husband becomes a father (and me a mother, of course). But we're in no rush. We would rather take our time and enjoy one another for awhile. We have small issues that we need to work through, but I think we'll make good parents one day. I mean, our pets sure do adore us, that's saying something, right?

Father's Day - My Daddy

2010-06-20T07:49:00.003-04:00

It's hard for me to talk about my father. It's hard for me to explain the good and the bad and then expect the outcome of opinion to still judge him as a 'good' person when I'm finished. I still think of him that way though, a good person. I think I finally figured out why.

My mother to me, is not a good person. She left my brother and I when we were very young, my brother was so young that he didn't even remember her. My dad raised us, or at least he tried. We never had much of anything. We were pretty much the poorest people that I knew that could still afford to live in a house, even if that house went without electric or water from time to time. Things got a little better for awhile, my dad remarried and had two more kids, we had two incomes, always had water, electric, food...all the neccesities. But as much as I love her still to this day, our step-mother was partial and a bit mean at times. They soon divorced, took my brothers away and we were back to one income. Soon my dad had two more kids, same lady, but after the divorce. They were twins. Now there was child-support and weekend visits in which I was responsible for all the babies. But my dad had to work.

During all of this my father was a raging alcoholic. He got mean when he was drunk and sometimes he got over emotional and would tell us how proud he was of us and just cry. My dad never told us things like that sober. We were the family that didn't talk about feelings, emotions or life. We just co-existed in a home where we knew we could count on one another if the need ever really arised. I was lucky enough to make friends with a girl who lived a couple of neighborhoods over. Her mother was my gaurdian angel for the longest time. Without her I would have went through so many things without any help or guidance.

But still, through all of this, my dad was a good person. I truly feel like my dad always tried. I feel that if he would have known how, he would have done more, given more, loved more. I know my dad loves me. I know my dad would give the world for me if he could. But he can't and although he doesn't say it, I don't need to hear it to know it's true. So despite all the hardships during my childhood, I still think of my daddy as a good person. I don't look back with hatred but more sadness, for him, for us, for the situation. I love my dad and I'm pretty proud to call him mine.

To be...

2010-06-16T15:30:00.000-04:00

I feel confident right now. I feel secure within myself.

There's something about growing older that allows you to break your shell of insecurity and embrace who you are and who you are becoming fully. I feel that I'm getting there. Or are there. Maybe. Not fully but close.

I've got my life mostly figured out. Mostly. It's nice, peaceful.

I'm not rich. I don't live some super exciting lifestyle. But I'm happy, content. If I spend the day alone, just me and my camera, me and my notebook, me and just the world around me, I'm full of life. I've discovered that simplicity is the key to happiness in my life. The simpler, the better.

I find joy in sunshine. Like, when I go into work and the sun still hasn't come out and I walk to the front of the store and there it is, rising above the buildings. I fall in love. I just stand there taking it in. I soak up the warmth, I long for the burn in my eyes. It sounds silly, I know. But for a moment I'm at complete peace and total awe. And I really do love that burn, it's my favorite part.

I've found that I can totally appreciate a great painting, photograph, song or piece of literature. I mean, REALLY appreciate it. Like, stare for hours, listen for hours, read for hours. The same thing, turning it's meaning over and over in my head. I think I could get lost forever if you let me.

I've never really been that patient in my life. I've never really found peace in being alone or being simple. I like to move, I like to surround myself with company always. But there's a specialness to being that opposite that I hope to hold on to for a very long time. I like finding myself. I like feeling like that I've done just that: found myself. I like feeling like I know who I am, without influences of other people. It makes me just giddy inside.