Wednesday, February 09, 2011

The Battle of Selves

I'm stuck tonight, between selves. And although I can feel one (the good one, the one I should be) tugging stronger than the other, my defiant self is fighting right back with full force. I'm going to blame the hormones because it's the easy way out and besides, I don't really need an excuse. No one would haven even known if I didn't tell them.

I was called into work today. I know that statement isn't profound or meaningful in anyway but it infuriated me. I had things planned and I had to cancel them. I hate canceling plans when the canceling isn't done by my own reasoning. One self wanted to yell, cry, be angry and frustrated at the situation. Another self knew that this is part of life and that the easiest thing to do was be a big girl about it and suck it up. That self won. I went to work, I got over it. I'm home now.

Jeremy booked our cruise today, he also bought tickets for a concert coming up in a couple of weeks. My concert. A Brandon Heath concert. Sure, other people go, other people love his music. But when I'm there, it's just me, my husband and his music. The world stops for awhile and I love it. Now if I could just convince BH of the same. Maybe I'd be named a special guest and have to stop paying for all these tickets. Wishful thinking, I know. Now for the battle, selves are yelling and arguing and there hasn't been a winner named yet.

We're having a baby. We're going on a cruise. We're spending money. One self shoots an arrow that reminds me that's what it's there for. Another self sends one over that reminds me of all we need to buy, all the changes that will be made, how that extra money may be crucial in the future. The exchanges go back and forth and I'm reminded that Jeremy and I talked this over, we have a plan, we know what we're doing. An angry arrow pierces flesh and I wince, thinking that perhaps we're acting like silly kids instead of mature grown-ups.

Then there's that. The grown-up part. Neither self really feels grown-up, more or less they just act like it. It's like a game, make-believe. We're all playing house, pretending with our best imaginations that it's real. I kinda hope I never wake up and realize that it is.

Oh but a final battle is raging tonight. It's the big finale, the war of wars. Oh yes, it's all about the husband. Where is he? Oh...I know, one self says...he's out, buying another car. Hey, hey, hey the other self adds, you know why he's doing that and this car, well, it will probably completely pay for that vacation! The first self chuckles, notes that it's 8:30, that a stomach is grumbling and with hands on hips waits for an explosion.

Oh calming self, please be with me. He means good and I do love him...

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You don't know just how lovely you are...thank you.