Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.

I'm not here to impress and despite what you may think, I'm not looking for your approval.

I don't mind sticking out.

I'll be the first to jump, the first to speak, the first to regret.

I'm okay with admitting mistake.

I can stand next to you and blend in. I can look like you, laugh like you, act like you...but I am not you. I am me and I am proud of that fact.

So what if my hair is straight and lifeless.

So what if I have dull, brown eyes.

So what if my skintone is uneven and constantly breaks out.

So what if my husband and I get into fights.

So what if I ocassionaly lose my temper.

So what if I am forgetful, clumsy and akward.

So what if I'm not perfect. So what if I don't want to act as if I am.

I don't want rhyme and reason to everything I do. I'd rather live in the moment. I'd rather take each day for all that it is and forget any and all plans for now or the future. Look down upon if you will, but it won't ruffle any of my feathers. I love my life. I know where I stand and what I believe and it makes no different to me if any one else believe it.

Goodness, goodness me.

Oh goodness. Three days. I think it's about time... eek!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

My Secret Love Affair With Monday

I love waking in his warm embrace, no care and no worries because this is Monday and Monday allows me no harm, no worry. Monday allows me to sleep against him, never moving, never complaining. He coos me gently, urging me to relax, to sleep and to enjoy Monday. He smiles when I finally open my eyes, rejuvenated from the others. Only Monday treats me so well.

He dresses me gently in my favorite flowing dress, he leaves my hair down to dance free and wild and he slips each meaningful piece of jewelry onto it's rightful place against my skin. We sit then at the kitchen table, drinking Chai and soaking in the warmth of Monday's secret recipe. We prepare for the day without haste because this is Monday and Monday allows no hurry, no worries, only peace...calm, gentle peace.

He surrounds me with things that I love. We shop and we walk, we explore and we photograph, we write and we sing, we play and we eat. Monday pulls me into a surrender to the true essence of myself, guiding me towards the center of my being, pulling and tugging at who I know to be.

He kisses my chin, my forehead, my eyelids. He brushes his fingers against my arms, my legs, my feet. He pushes into my soul, creating a special place that will always be for him...just for him. He will stay with me the rest of my life.

He lays me down, he cups my body close to his. He whispers sweet stories into my ear about the Monday to come and he promises that he will take care of Tuesday's lack of rest, Wednesday's early hours, Thursday's laundry, Friday's sore feet, Saturday's late night and Sunday's housework. He promises and urges as I slip into sleep.

I wake up to Tuesday pushing me from my warm, comfortable bed. I count down the days, the hours, the minutes until I see Monday again. Six, one hundred and fourty-four, eight thousand six hundred and forty. I count and I wait and I dream of the day that is Monday...

Thursday, July 22, 2010

That's it.

It's that happy-g0-lucky-I-finally-feel-back-into-the-swing-of-things-and-can-breath-again feeling.

That's it.

I feel good today. I've felt good a lot lately, minus a few huge bumps in the road that left me feeling horrible...but good, lately. But today I feel really good. Today I finally found myself browsing through flickr with that wonder and awe and excitement. I finally found myself making dinner with a smile and snapping a few photos with contentment. I finally felt like myself. It's been awhile.

I've realized a lot about myself in the last few weeks. I've realized that I can slip into a silent and masked depression with ease and no one around me, not my husband or my friends or my family can even see it. I've realized that I'm good at keeping secrets and feelings locked somewhere deep inside where no one but myself can touch them. I've realized that for some odd reason, I have an itching to do the dishes every single night after dinner. Which is odd, I hate dishes. I've also realized that I live a super blessed life and that although it may be hard at times, it's all part of some wonderful ball of blessed amazingness that I am so lucky to be part of.

Enough said, right?

P.S. - Mason lost a tooth today. I'm such a proud puppy parent, I'm doomed when I have actually children. I can't imagine what love that is...

Monday, July 12, 2010

Whispers In The Dark

She told me on a Monday...something that I should not share here. She told me what it was that will eventually take her from me, why she is choosing not to persue any medical attention and the reason why I will ultimately have to face the challenge of life without her in it.

I am not ready for this. I am not strong enough to deal with losing her. I just cannot do it.

I have had the worst of days, one of those days where all you do is cry. One of those days when you empty yourself of tears only to cry dry ones.

I am scared. I am broken and I want to make it all go away. But I can't...and I can't even explain it. Because she does not want the world to know...and I must respect that.

Monday, July 05, 2010


I had this wonderfully inspiring blog all typed up about independence and freedom and how ignorant we as Americans truly are...and I lost it. So here I am at 12:30, almost ready to pass out with absolutely nothing to contribute. I need sleep. Tomorrow I plan on adventure. I refuse to just do the ordinary. I am going to reach beyond my normal comfort zone and do something new and fun. I promise myself this. In the meantime, I am going to sleep and promise myself (and you) that I will return soon to my blog series and play 'catch up'. I am so behind.