Thursday, May 27, 2010

I loved my pappy. I always called him ‘pappaw’ but when I think of him now, I think ‘pappy’. It’s the same for my grandmother, who I will forever call ‘mammal’ but will always think ‘grannie’.

He passed away in 1998 after a long struggle with cancer. I will never forget that night, I will never forget the last time that I saw him. He smiled so big, he waved and I waved back. I walked out of that hospital without a single thought of that being our last goodbye.

I had a concert that night. It was Christmas time and I was in fifth grade. Mrs. Toby was our music teacher and she always loved putting together little concerts and shows for our parents to come to. Anyone who ever attended C.F. Holliday and knew her, will remember and tell you about the Wack-A-Do-Zoo. I’m pretty sure that I was a pig that mooed.

We went to see my pappy that night. My memory is a big foggy but I’m almost positive that it was before my concert. My dad took us to see him, ‘us’ being my brother Robert and me. He was in the ICU and my grannie was there by his bed side.

We didn’t really talk, I just curled up in the bed next to him, being accustomed to sitting in his lap even though I’d grown far too large for it. He couldn’t talk then anyway. The cancer had started in his neck and years before they had removed his voice box and inserted a trachea. I remember the pad and pencil that he had with him, to communicate with the doctors, nurses and family.

I was too young to understand it fully then. I thought he would get better and come home. I thought that when someone went into the hospital, they always came out. But he didn’t come out.

My dad woke me and my brother up the next morning for school. We got dressed and had breakfast and as we were walking out the door he simply said, “Oh, you’re grandfather passed away through the night. I almost forgot to tell you.”

I was devastated.

I cried all the way to school. I cried during my first class. I left during my second and went to the office to call my grandmother. I just remember telling her that I was sad. It was the only emotion I felt that day. Just sad.

To this day it makes me sad. It breaks my heart every time that I think of him or talk about him. I have a picture frame that I’ve always kept close to me that is the home of a single picture of us: me sitting in his lap, just like old days. I miss him a lot of times like it he just left us yesterday. Even now I sit here almost unable to see my computer screen because of the tears that continue to bubble and fall from my eyes.

I know he is in a better place. Home with Jesus in paradise without anymore of that pain and suffering he knew here on earth. I know I’ll see him there again one of these days. But knowing just lessens the hurt, it doesn’t take it away.

Memorial day always brings back the memory of my grandfather. It always brings back that raw hurt and emotion I feel when I think about him. I usually go and visit his grave on this sacred Monday. I dust off the grass and dirt from the plaque at his feet and read over the words written there, the details of his days in war.

Memorial day is about honoring and remembering those who died in war, those who gave their life for the safety and freedom of this country. But to me it’s more. To me it’s about remembering my pappaw, the man who stole my heart as a little girl. The man who’s face will always be imprinted in my mind, waving and smiling as I walked away, saying goodbye without ever even knowing it.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Early Mornings

I love early mornings. You know the kind. Those mornings when you awake before the rest of the world, before the sun peeks it's shining head above the horizon, before the dew slowly disappears from each little blade of grass and your house and home is just quiet.

I don't find these mornings often anymore. The moment I stir the pup is wanting to go out, the cat is meowing for attention and more than likely, I'm only up because it's time for work and I have little to no time to take in any of the peace of silence anyway. Today was not one of those days.

Today I basked in the warmth of a silent sunrise, breathed in the smell of fresh dew and grass around me. Today I stretched and yawned, fresh coffee in hand, with only the company of my wondering mind and of course, God.

Today I prayed gently for forgiveness. I prayed for help and guidance, for hope and comfort. I prayed selfishly, I prayed for myself and my family and for once, I left everyone else out. I prayed for more early mornings, more warm sunrises and more time with God.

Peacefully, gently, just me and Him.

I left everything else in yesterday. I moved carefully into today without a care and although I know that it will not last, that tomorrow will come and my work week will begin and my mornings will be chaos, I do not care. Today is a perfect early morning and that is what I am focusing on.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Cinco De Mayo, Tattoos, Mother's Day & Graduation

That about sums it up really. Cinco de Mayo was a blast. (Yeah, I know it's pointless to celebrate another country's holiday, especially when the country itself doesn't even celebrate it...but anything to go out and have a good time with friends, right?) However, it left me sick all day...which makes no sense. I think it was the one Negra Modelo and the super lack of sleep.

Brandon got two new tattoos. I love them and am totally jealous because I have been planning my next one out for a year now and have yet to go get it. So, goal for 2010, finally get my foot tattoo...even if it hurts like crazy and I cry like a baby because of it.

Mother's day is Sunday. I love mother's day, I always make something cute for my grandmother. This year however, I have made nothing, I have bought nothing and I have nothing planned. Well, actually...I do have something planned. We will be in the car driving all day, now that I think of it.

My cousin's graduation is Saturday. We are leaving after work tomorrow to head to Virginia. I'm so excited. Her and Matt are so awesome, so amazing. I miss them so much and I can't wait for tomorrow to get here. Oh...and my Uncle Coy's birthday is Sunday. So this is just a week full of excitement!

Tired...going to bed now. Snooooozzee.