Friday, February 22, 2013

What I Remember

This post is going to be hard for me, but I need to get it out and I need to send a message loud and clear about exactly how and why I feel the way that I do.

My mother joined Facebook a little while ago and sent me a friend request. I accepted it willingly, having absolutely no issue with her keeping up with the ins and outs of my life. I've sent her photos of Henry in the past and I'm okay with her being involved in our lives in this way, I'm just not comfortable with anything more.

What bugs me is her constant comments of 'this is my grand-baby', 'I just love him', and 'I would love to see him'. She has a right to express her feelings, but I may just be cruel enough to not want to hear it.
This is why:

My first memory of her is being told by my father and who I believed was my mother that my brother and I had a different mother. I remember crying. I remember begging that I wouldn't have to see her, that my life wouldn't have to change this way.

I remember having a decent summer or two with her. We went to Sea World and swam in a blow-up pool and had a good time. I remember her sitting in the yard at her trailer and crying when my father picked us up and took us back home. We still saw her on some weekends, but then it stopped again.

I remember not hearing from her for awhile.

I remember her stealing my dad's wallet and me taking the entire blame for it after my brother told me that he had helped her and asked me to tell my father and the police. My dad yelled and screamed and told me to get out of his house.

I remember not hearing from her again for a long time.

I remember her telling me one time after not seeing me for months that I needed to lose my 'muffin-top' and then I would look good. I was maybe 14. Thanks for the help with the self-image!

I remember her telling me that she would help buy my graduation invitations and then blowing me off after we spent an entire day running here and there while she did errands.

I remember sending an invitation to my graduation and my graduation party in which she didn't attend.

I remember sending an invitation to my wedding and reception in which she didn't attend.

I remember calling to try and keep in touch and finally reaching her from time to time and then never hearing from her again. It takes effort from both sides.

I remember her family members contacting me telling me how much she wanted to be in my life, acting like I was just holding some sort of grudge and almost trying to guilt-trip me into letting her come and go in my life as she always choose when I was growing up. No thank you.

And through out my life when I needed a mother:

I remember being scared when I started my period because I had no one there to tell me what was happening or what to do.

I remember teaching myself how to do my hair and make-up because I had no one there to teach me.

I remember feeling like I wasn't worth someone's love.

I remember getting hurt by careless decisions because I dressed far too old for my age and chased after boys thinking that they could make me feel that love.

I remember hanging out with people who did little more than pound any self-worth I had into the ground. I was literally made fun of almost daily at the age of 14 because I was still a virgin. 

I remember feeling guilty because my dad was stuck with this girl that he had no idea what to do with.

I remember one of my teachers at school pulling me to the side to give me deodorant and face-wash because  no one had ever told me that I needed them.

I remember being dirt-poor and going without essentials because I was too ashamed to ask anyone else for them and my dad paid out so much child-support but got none in return. 

(He's not completely innocent in all of this either, but at least he constantly tried.)

I remember my grandmother being there to step in, pay my entire way through high-school, graduation, class trips, sports, field-trips and teaching me how to be an respectable lady. She was there when I got engaged, married, pregnant...when I moved, when I needed someone to talk to or when I needed advice.

I didn't have much of a mother and I'm not trying to be mean. I just don't understand where she thinks she can just come into my life and expect so much trust and openness with me. I am not angry with her, I am just cautious and too aware of the pain and that is not likely to change anytime soon.

As far as her grandson goes, now I can choose to PROTECT him. I can choose not to allow his life and feelings to be on the line with a grandmother who claims she loves him and wants to see him but claimed the same with her very own children in which she abandoned. I know that I can not protect my son from everything in life, but right now, I feel like I can protect him from this.

If you made it through all of that, I'm sorry that this post is not all rainbows and sunshine. I live a wonderful life and I am a normal human-being. I am not a product of my parents because I have made the decision to live my life the way that I feel is right. I am grateful for those who stepped in in my life and helped me get by some of the hard times, I'm just struggling right now with this constant reminder that I am choosing to keep Henry from my mother while she wishes I wouldn't. I just feel it is what's best.


  1. I know this must have been an emotional post for you to write. You have the right to your feelings no matter what anyone else says. You also have the right to allow and not allow certain people into your life. If someone is taking more happiness then they are giving to you then in my opinion you have the right to remove them completely. It takes a lot more then "biological" genes to be a mother and you can not just pick and chose when the timing works. It seems like from reading over the years she has made those choices.

    BIG HUG!!


    1. Thanks for the support, Laura. I don't want to be mean or cruel or thought of in this way, but I'm also not going to change my mind just because others think that I should.

  2. She has to understand that given the past circumstances that you will not readily invite her back into your life. Even though you have a child you aren't going to give her 100% access to do as she pleases. I think she needs to learn and accept these boundaries. You are a very very strong person and I applaud you for writing this because most wouldn't. You have to do what's best for you and your family.

    1. Thanks, Jen. The thing is - it's really like she (and some of her family) doesn't understand. I really think they think I'm just mean and bitter. It amazes me!

  3. I agree that you totally have the rights to your own feelings, no matter what they are! Being a mother is so amazing and's not something that you can be whenever you want and don't want. You have to do what is right for your little one and your family because family is the ONLY thing that matters.....and family is who you make it.....not who wants to come around when they feel like it. xo

    1. Thank you, Sally! It makes me feel better to know that other's agree with my decision.

  4. My simple reply... I have always supported your decision. You are a wonderful member of our family. Not everyone is like you and I. We are the diamonds in our family rough. She broke my heart once to and I've never forgiven her. She told me who my real father was. I remember feeling like my entire world was crashing down and all she could do is laugh. You are 1000% justified in your choices and decision. Love you Jenn.

    1. Thanks Stephanie, as usual, your opinion means so much to me in this because you ARE part of my family and you know more than what I could just write here. I'm glad that I have you to call family, at least there are a few of us who seem to have our crap together and understand what it means to do what is best for ourselves and our families. Love you!

  5. Do what is best for your adorable little man. And, way to change things around for yourself! With all that life can throw you (and obviously did), it's awesome you've taken steps to be better. Often people are the products of their direct environment. Kudos to you for taking a different path.
    Henry is so lucky to have a mommy who cares for him so much!
    You're an amazing mom.

    1. Thank you, Desiree! I am a true believer that your life is what you make it. We are not a product of our surroundings but rather just influenced by them. It's not always easy to say 'I deserve better than this' and actually walk away and do but it is totally worth it in the end!

  6. I'm in tears because I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel. I have a very similar situation with my mom. This really resonated with me, and thank you for finding the courage to write it. Bless you, sweet friend.

    1. I'm sorry to hear that you had a similar story, it's tough, but I think it makes us stronger as women and mothers because of it!

  7. p.s.- I completely agree with your decision!

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  9. I can only imagine the hurt that you carry :( You are right to protect you little one from those who could potentially hurt him.Thank you for sharing so with so much openness and honesty. Blessing to you!


You don't know just how lovely you are...thank you.