What I Remember

This post is going to be hard for me, but I need to get it out and I need to send a message loud and clear about exactly how and why I feel the way that I do.

My mother joined Facebook a little while ago and sent me a friend request. I accepted it willingly, having absolutely no issue with her keeping up with the ins and outs of my life. I've sent her photos of Henry in the past and I'm okay with her being involved in our lives in this way, I'm just not comfortable with anything more.

What bugs me is her constant comments of 'this is my grand-baby', 'I just love him', and 'I would love to see him'. She has a right to express her feelings, but I may just be cruel enough to not want to hear it.

This is why:

My first memory of her is being told by my father and who I believed was my mother that my brother and I had a different mother. I remember crying. I remember begging that I wouldn't have to see her, that my life wouldn't have to change this way.

I remember having a decent summer or two with her. We went to Sea World and swam in a blow-up pool and had a good time. I remember her sitting in the yard at her trailer and crying when my father picked us up and took us back home. We still saw her on some weekends, but then it stopped again.

I remember not hearing from her for awhile.

I remember her stealing my dad's wallet and me taking the entire blame for it after my brother told me that he had helped her and asked me to tell my father and the police. My dad yelled and screamed and told me to get out of his house.

I remember not hearing from her again for a long time.

I remember her telling me one time after not seeing me for months that I needed to lose my 'muffin-top' and then I would look good. I was maybe 14. Thanks for the help with the self-image!

I remember her telling me that she would help buy my graduation invitations and then blowing me off after we spent an entire day running here and there while she did errands.

I remember sending an invitation to my graduation and my graduation party in which she didn't attend.

I remember sending an invitation to my wedding and reception in which she didn't attend.

I remember calling to try and keep in touch and finally reaching her from time to time and then never hearing from her again. It takes effort from both sides.

I remember her family members contacting me telling me how much she wanted to be in my life, acting like I was just holding some sort of grudge and almost trying to guilt-trip me into letting her come and go in my life as she always choose when I was growing up. No thank you.

And through out my life when I needed a mother:

I remember being scared when I started my period because I had no one there to tell me what was happening or what to do.

I remember teaching myself how to do my hair and make-up because I had no one there to teach me.

I remember feeling like I wasn't worth someone's love.

I remember getting hurt by careless decisions because I dressed far too old for my age and chased after boys thinking that they could make me feel that love.

I remember hanging out with people who did little more than pound any self-worth I had into the ground. I was literally made fun of almost daily at the age of 14 because I was still a virgin. 

I remember feeling guilty because my dad was stuck with this girl that he had no idea what to do with.

I remember one of my teachers at school pulling me to the side to give me deodorant and face-wash because  no one had ever told me that I needed them.

I remember being dirt-poor and going without essentials because I was too ashamed to ask anyone else for them and my dad paid out so much child-support but got none in return. 

(He's not completely innocent in all of this either, but at least he constantly tried.)

I remember my grandmother being there to step in, pay my entire way through high-school, graduation, class trips, sports, field-trips and teaching me how to be an respectable lady. She was there when I got engaged, married, pregnant...when I moved, when I needed someone to talk to or when I needed advice.

I didn't have much of a mother and I'm not trying to be mean. I just don't understand where she thinks she can just come into my life and expect so much trust and openness with me. I am not angry with her, I am just cautious and too aware of the pain and that is not likely to change anytime soon.

As far as her grandson goes, now I can choose to PROTECT him. I can choose not to allow his life and feelings to be on the line with a grandmother who claims she loves him and wants to see him but claimed the same with her very own children in which she abandoned. I know that I can not protect my son from everything in life, but right now, I feel like I can protect him from this.

If you made it through all of that, I'm sorry that this post is not all rainbows and sunshine. I live a wonderful life and I am a normal human-being. I am not a product of my parents because I have made the decision to live my life the way that I feel is right. I am grateful for those who stepped in in my life and helped me get by some of the hard times, I'm just struggling right now with this constant reminder that I am choosing to keep Henry from my mother while she wishes I wouldn't. I just feel it is what's best.