My Dearest Son,
Tonight I have a heavy heart. As I sit here alone, the sound of your little snores the only sound in the room, I can't help but be overwhelmed by the nagging feeling that this will not last forever. One day you will grow up and you will not need me in the way that you need me now. You will not let me kiss your messy face and hold your little hand and whisper sweet promises of love and support into your tiny ears. You will become too heavy for me to carry on my hip and too big to sleep curled up on my lap. You will not look up at me with those big, brown eyes as if I'm the only person in this world who can calm your fears and fix your boo-boos. In a blink, my love, you will be grown and I will be left with only photos and memories to remember this time. I fear that the time will come too fast and I will look back and regret not holding you tighter and wishing you my little baby longer. One day you may become a father, and even then, I do not think you will understand the anguish and heartache and joy and blessing that is motherhood. It is as if a hand is clenched constantly around your heart, allowing it to grow with joy and excitement, pride and love and then squeezing without mercy with fear and longing, hurt and shame. Do not get me wrong, this is the greatest gift and blessing that God has ever bestowed upon me. I would not trade this time with you for anything in this world and while I wish you to stay little, I also wish you to grow and prosper and develop into a strong, dependent man. When I think of adding another baby to our little family of three, I cannot imagine my heart growing to make room for more of this love. You have filled my life with never-ending joy and laughter and my constant prayer is that I will not fail you as a mother. You deserve the world, Henry, and I will do anything within my power to teach you and to show you all that this world has to offer.
Perhaps one day you will see that you were my entire world and that I wouldn't have it any other way.
I love you so,
Mommy
Oh Jenn. This is so incredibly touching, you are an amazing and loving Mom. :)
ReplyDeletesuch sweet, wonderful words.
ReplyDeleteNow I need a tissue.
ReplyDeleteOh goodness, tears are streaming.
ReplyDeleteYou read my thoughts to a T.
I've had this same feeling over the past week or so. My little Mallorie will be 2 in October and I just want her to be a newborn all over again. I miss those days so much! Beautiful post:)
ReplyDelete