I've always heard older people say that 'the older you get, the faster time goes' and I truly believe it's true. It's like I can blink and an entire month can be gone just like that.
May was a really rough month for me. Vacation was wonderful and the time I spent with Henry and Jeremy was priceless; I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. But the rest of May was just down right hard...and for no real obvious reason.
I've spent a lot of my days focusing on just making it through. I wake up tired, stay tired, and go to bed exhausted - just to wake up and do it again. I've had a lot of moments where I've felt extremely depressed. Not unhappy exactly, but disconnected, alone, and vulnerable. Chuck it up to the stormy days, having to be away from my husband, a crazy mood swing, or God's way to telling me to draw closer to Him. I don't know what it is, but it's been there and I've been fighting it almost every day for two long weeks.
I get this way occasionally, forcing myself to enjoy the little and big moments that typically fill my heart with joy. I know a lot of it stems from the repressed emotions of feeling like I don't belong anywhere, that for some reason I am that extra crayon that just doesn't fit in the box. I look the same but in the end, I'm left thrown to the side while the others remain snug and happy in their closed little world.
Most of the time I am okay with this. Seriously. I enjoy being unique. I enjoy being an individual. I enjoy not allowing others to influence who I am and why I live my life the way that I do. I enjoy going without in order to be home with Henry, and spending my free time gardening and crocheting, and knowing that at the end of the day my very best friend in the world is my husband. I enjoy spending all day every day with those who are important to me, living in a way that is important to us.
But occasionally it gets me down, and the fact that everyone else is doing something else can be hard. The fact that no one else seems to understand can be hard. The fact that we had to let go of so many friends and family because we just weren't willing to compromise to an extreme can be hard. Never clicking, or getting it, or feeling part of the whole can be hard. Sometimes life can be just hard.
So that's where I am right now: fighting to make it through days when life just seems so hard, drawing closer to God and relying on His strength to get me through, and knowing that this too will pass.
I won't be doing a fitness update or goals this month. As of right now, I am up 3 pounds from April. It's not great but I feel like it's not horrible either considering I gained almost 10(!!) pounds on vacation. I didn't take measurements like I normally do so I'll update on those next month too. I've been eating well, exercising often (although not enough), and focusing on slowly getting back on track. Slow and steady wins the race for me, and honestly, I need a break from the exposure. I need to pull back and focus on the things that are really important to me right now: God, my family, and myself.