Seven Times Seventy Times

So there's this new song out by Chris August and I'd heard bits and pieces of it but hadn't really heard it all or really listened to it until today. I was driving home from the grocery and it came on and I cranked up the radio and listened to the words. I do this a lot, I find that God speaks through His music but just like reading your Bible or listening to a sermon, you have to really listen to hear Him. So I listened and He spoke and before I knew it I was bawling my eyes out. (I do this a lot too, I'm a crier)

This song was my life, growing up and doing it too quickly. There were fights, neglect, abuse, alcohol, drugs, violence. You name it, I saw it and felt it and lived it. But life is not about the situations that you're in but how you take those situations and learn and grow from them. I've been close with others who went through the same things as I did growing up and I have to say, there's a line drawn and some stand on one side and some stand on the other. Those who grew from what they experienced stand on one side, some, like me, have relationships with those who at one time hurt them the most. They've learned to forgive and they've learned how to love. Then there are the others who remain angry and hurt and stuck. They are stuck in what happened to them and the thought of forgiving is an insane thought. They stand pointing fingers, blaming everything in their lives on someone else.

Sure, I still hurt at times. But I never look at those that hurt me in hatred, I don't point fingers and I don't blame them for every issue or problem that arises in my life. I know I couldn't have done that by myself, God is so amazing, so loving, He takes every bit of anger and turns it into forgiveness, understanding and compassion. I owe my life to Him. Without Him, I could be the one standing there, full of anger and hurt and just plain stuck.

::7x70::

I've been living in this house here

Since the day that I was born

These walls have seen me happy

But most of all they've seen me torn

They have heard the screaming matches

That made a family fall apart

They've had a front row seat for the breaking of my heart

Seven times seventy times

I'll do what it takes to make it right

I thought the pain was here to stay

But forgiveness made a way

Seven times seventy times

There's healing in the air tonight

I'm reaching up to pull it down

Gonna wrap it all around

I remember running down the hallway playing hide and seek

I didn't know that I was searching for someone to notice me

I felt alone and undiscovered

And old enough to understand

Just when I'm supposed to be learning to love

You let me down again

Seven times seventy times

I'll do what it takes to make it right

I thought the pain was here to stay

But forgiveness made a way

Seven times seventy times

There's healing in the air tonight

I'm reaching up to pull it down

Gonna wrap it all around

I lost count of the ways you let me down

But no matter how many times you weren't around

I'm alright now…cause God picked up my heart and helped me through

And shined light on the one thing left to do

And that's forgive you, I forgive you

Seven times seventy times

I'll do what it takes to make it right

I thought the pain was here to stay

But forgiveness made a way

Seven times seventy times

There's healing in the air tonight

I'm reaching up to pull it down

Gonna wrap it all around

I've been living in this house here since the day that I was born

The Battle of Selves

I'm stuck tonight, between selves. And although I can feel one (the good one, the one I should be) tugging stronger than the other, my defiant self is fighting right back with full force. I'm going to blame the hormones because it's the easy way out and besides, I don't really need an excuse. No one would haven even known if I didn't tell them.

I was called into work today. I know that statement isn't profound or meaningful in anyway but it infuriated me. I had things planned and I had to cancel them. I hate canceling plans when the canceling isn't done by my own reasoning. One self wanted to yell, cry, be angry and frustrated at the situation. Another self knew that this is part of life and that the easiest thing to do was be a big girl about it and suck it up. That self won. I went to work, I got over it. I'm home now.

Jeremy booked our cruise today, he also bought tickets for a concert coming up in a couple of weeks. My concert. A Brandon Heath concert. Sure, other people go, other people love his music. But when I'm there, it's just me, my husband and his music. The world stops for awhile and I love it. Now if I could just convince BH of the same. Maybe I'd be named a special guest and have to stop paying for all these tickets. Wishful thinking, I know. Now for the battle, selves are yelling and arguing and there hasn't been a winner named yet.

We're having a baby. We're going on a cruise. We're spending money. One self shoots an arrow that reminds me that's what it's there for. Another self sends one over that reminds me of all we need to buy, all the changes that will be made, how that extra money may be crucial in the future. The exchanges go back and forth and I'm reminded that Jeremy and I talked this over, we have a plan, we know what we're doing. An angry arrow pierces flesh and I wince, thinking that perhaps we're acting like silly kids instead of mature grown-ups.

Then there's that. The grown-up part. Neither self really feels grown-up, more or less they just act like it. It's like a game, make-believe. We're all playing house, pretending with our best imaginations that it's real. I kinda hope I never wake up and realize that it is.

Oh but a final battle is raging tonight. It's the big finale, the war of wars. Oh yes, it's all about the husband. Where is he? Oh...I know, one self says...he's out, buying another car. Hey, hey, hey the other self adds, you know why he's doing that and this car, well, it will probably completely pay for that vacation! The first self chuckles, notes that it's 8:30, that a stomach is grumbling and with hands on hips waits for an explosion.

Oh calming self, please be with me. He means good and I do love him...

A Baby Story: Month Three & The Great Relief

As I recall the first 3 weeks of this month, the words that come directly to mind are sick, cranky and tired. My husband would probably add especially to that cranky. At one point he just looked at me and asked if he was being insensitive because he was so confused by some of my reactions to the simplest of things. I feel for him, I know I've been a bit weird lately and even I feel a bit taken back by myself at times. However, relief seems to have come. Finally!

My sickness is slowly fading.

My energy is returning.

And best of all... my cranky-tude seems to be tuning itself down a notch or two.

I've discovered that there are certain foods just not suitable for my pregnant belly (no more Mexican, Chinese, hot sauce or french fries *sigh*) and that if my body says to get up, it's best just to get up rather than fighting to go back to sleep.

Best of all this month we were given an ultrasound date for discovering the sex of the baby (APRIL 6th!!). I think I've settled on wanting a girl because of how much it would mean to my grandmother to have a little one named after her and her sister (who is actually my real great-grandmother). Just don't tell my husband that I've changed my mind. A boy will be absolutely fine too.

Six months seems so far away but I'm sure it will go by faster than I can imagine. In the meantime I'm going to have to go shopping soon because my jeans will no longer button and we're planning a 'babymoon' for this March. Hopefully somewhere warm, with sand. (Did I hear someone say a cruise?) Part of me is sad to know that this will be our last big vacation just the two of us and probably the only one for awhile. But another part of me is excited to show our child all of the amazing things out in the world that I didn't get to see growing up.

In other news, my brother comes home from Korea on February 10th for two weeks before heading to Texas where he will be stationed until he receives a ship date. I'm so stinkin' excited that it's ridiculous. We finally found some sort of workable schedule so that we get to talk more now & let me tell you, the boy cracks me up. He keeps me going some days and as weird as it sounds, I believe we all have many soul mates and he is one of mine. I'll be sad when he leaves again but at least he'll be in the country this time.

Clearly I had a lot on my mind today. My second trimester is right around the corner and I'm looking forward to seeing how my thoughts and my body and my life progresses and changes.

A Baby Story: Month One & Two

Two entire months of pregnancy have come and gone faster than I could have ever imagined. It's hard to believe that we found out that we were expecting a little miracle an entire month ago although all of the pregnancy symptoms have me more than convinced that there's a little one there! It's been a pretty rough start but I feel as if things have started to calm down. Hopefully within the next month all of this horrible sickness will have gone away too!

It's hard to grasp how much our lives are going to change in a few short months. It must be the nesting instinct within me, but all I can think of is preparations. I've been going through old clothes and tubs and getting rid of things that I never thought I'd get rid of to make room for baby. I've been cleaning corners and closets and scrubbing floors and windows. I know it's early but I just feel the need to...well, prepare.

We already have an overabundance of toys and clothes that have been given to us that I need to go through and everyone seems extremely convinced that we're going to be great parents. I on the other hand am pretty anxious, not having my own mother in my life and knowing that my grandmother is an hour away and really in no shape to help. I hope that I don't become overwhelmed in the coming months with 'what-ifs' and just trust that all of my previous experience with other people's babies will carry on to my own.

Our first ultrasound experience was truly amazing and we'll get to see our little peanut again here in a couple of weeks. I'm sure he or she will look much more like a baby this time! In the meantime I'm hoping that all of the exhaustion and morning sickness will start to fade, I'm sick 90% of the day and it really, really sucks. I wouldn't trade it for anything though, knowing that it's caused by our precious little one!

New Years Resolutions

It's that time of year again, time to make resolutions that most of us will never keep. I know I usually don't keep mine. I'm going to try to be more determined this year and make changes that I'm pretty sure I'll be able to keep.

First and foremost, in 2011, I plan on gaining weight. Should be an easy one for sure. =P (Although so far in my pregnancy I've lost 14 pounds, I think it's the lack of eating and throwing up.)

Second, I plan on writing more. My sister-in-law bought me a beautiful pregnancy journal for Christmas and I figure it will be a really great start.

Third, I joined a weekly photo group on Flickr. I miss Flickr. I miss my Flickr friends and I miss the joy of posting my photos and viewing other's photos. I figure commiting to one photo a week shouldn't be too hard.

Fourth, I want to become more involved in our church. It's so hard going from a small church where you know everyone and have known everyone for many years to going to a much larger church that has so many programs and activities. It's hard to figure out which ones to choose and it's even harder to put yourself out there and just try to make new friends. Jeremy and I have been so lucky to know so many supportive people within the congregation, but it's time to make big moves and get involved.

Fifth, I'm going to make a commitment to myself and to my family to keep our place more tidy. Sometimes the smallest things get tossed to the side until the next day or the next day although they take two minutes. (Like, folding the laundry instead of letting it sit in the dryer or throwing out left overs when they're a few days old.) I know it's silly but I want our baby to be born into good habits and I'm determined to make some better ones in the near future.

Overall, I want to do a lot of things honestly. Jeremy and I have a lot of big decisions coming up and big (very big) changes as well. These are just the things that come directly to my mind and I'm going to try to be more determined. We hope 2011 finds you all well and blessed!

When Ordinary People Change Your Life

I had a lady come into work today that I'm sure I will not forget for a very long time. The first thing she did was warn me. She warned me that this photo session was going to be different for me, that emotions were going to run high and that I must excuse them if things don't go according to a 'usual' plan. I didn't mind. I like to shake things up a bit and they were one of my last sessions of the night.

I have to say, I held back tears all evening long.

She told me that she was meeting her granddaughter for the very first time. She had four others there with her but this one had been denied by it's father (her son) although there was clear evidence pointing otherwise. So she walked in and there were tears and one scared little girl and we took pictures and everytime I snapped a photo, she cried. They were all there together and that memory was going to get to stay with her because this session was taking place. I could barely hold back the tears myself.

They gave the little girl presents there, shared hugs and pieces of gum. I felt so blessed to be witnessing such a beautiful little miracle of love and togetherness. It was clear that all this lady wanted was to be a part of her granddaughter's life even while having so many others surrounding her.

So she continued.

She continued to tell me that her husband had just found out earlier in the week that he was going to have to have a heart transplant. She told me that the insurance was threatening to drop them and that although they will cover the surgery itself, they refuse to cover any of the medication that he has to take to prepare for it. She said they'd already spent $20,000. She just kept crying. I again, could barely hold back.

So we picked out our favorite pictures and she placed her order and I swear she told me a million times that I had such amazing patience. I swear it's not true although I hear it all the time. Then she went to tell me that she had 4 children, all of them with children...none of them married. And one son without any children whom she worries so much about because he's so innocent and loving and God-fearing, that she fears he will never find someone to love.

I told her not to worry and to keep praying. God has answers to all of her concerns.

Then I did cry. I cried as they walked away and I heard them plan exchanging the pictures while her son was away at drill. I cried at how sad the situation was and how much I wished I could help this lady. But all I could do was pray and so I did...and I know it will help, even if she doesn't know so.

Peanut

I'm just posting this here because I like the little widget for myself and I don't really want to put it on Facebook. Jeremy and I are very excited about our little peanut though!