It's raining a soft, slow rain this morning, the kind that makes you want to curl up with a good book and your favorite throw and just read all day long. I don't remember a period in my life when I didn't love the rain. I'm sure as a young child I may have wished the rain away for another day, but as far back as I can remember, days with rain filled me with this kind of joy that is only felt when you feel clean and new and good. Rain really does that for me, it feels almost magical sometimes.
I loved playing in the rain as a kid and yesterday I allowed Henry to strip down and play in the summer rain until he was soaked to the bone and exhausted. Why is it that as adults we don't find time to play in the rain ourselves? I sat on our back-porch watching the joy that Henry found just splashing in puddles and feeling the rain on his face and I thought about joining him but then thought again. I know the neighbors would think I'm crazy, but I'm pretty sure they already think that so that's not what held me back. Maybe it was the simple fact that I had my hair up and my make-up on and the thought of doing all that again (or going out without it) was exhausting. Or maybe it was the terrifying idea that playing in the rain wouldn't be as much fun anymore, that I had lost that wonderful feeling that I keep tucked into my heart from when I was a kid. I'm not sure.
My heart has been tugged lately to go in a different direction. A direction in which playing in the rain would be a priority instead of a dream from long past, and enjoying the little moments and things in life will be easier because I will be less distracted and focused on other things. Like this post, for example. Lately I have tried not to write unless I feel that old, familiar tug on my heart because I have something to say directly from my heart. I don't want to care about how many followers I have or how much a post is read. I don't even want to care about whether or not anyone else understands it or connects with it. I just want to be me, my whole self, and write directly from that person. This is not my career or a steady source of income, so I have to quit treating it like a job at times. This blog is an extension of myself, my feelings, and the one place where I do not have to be filtered. I want to keep it that way.
Ripples & Waves is just a small example of how I am trying, really trying, to get back to basics, march to my own beat, be true to myself, and be an overall better person, wife, and mother. Life is short and time is precious and I don't want to waste any more of it pretending to be someone else, or trying to fit in, or doing things that don't bring me joy simply because I feel like I should. I want to use things like Facebook and Instagram simply to share our lives, not compare them. And at the end of the day, I don't want to feel like they're a necessity. I love my life, I really do, and I don't want to miss out on any of it because I am distracted by things that really shouldn't matter.
So today Henry and I are going to enjoy the rain. We are going to laugh and play and I'm going to find joy in simply knowing that this precious little one is never going to be this age and this exact way ever again.
Friday, August 09, 2013
Wednesday, August 07, 2013
National Breastfeeding Week
In case you were unaware, this week is National Breastfeeding Week. Breastfeeding is a sore subject for me. I hate to talk about it because I am so passionate about it and 1) I'm afraid I'm going to deeply offend someone and 2) it seriously hurts to talk about.
When I found out I was pregnant with Henry, I wanted so much to breastfeed. I had this wonderful vision of spending quiet time alone with my baby, bonding as I did the one thing that no one else could do for him. I thought of breastfeeding as the most natural thing in this world, and in fact, the sole reason that God gave me these huge breasts to lug around all the time. I was actually excited to breastfeed.
Then Henry was born and we were overjoyed and exhausted and so excited to start this new adventure of parenthood. When it came to feeding him that very first time, I took him into my arms and was just thrilled to tuck him close to my body and experience this new and perfect thing that we would now include in our daily lives.
But it didn't happen. He wouldn't latch.
The nurses assured me that he would, that he was probably just a bit behind since he was born early. They called in the consultants and had me pump in the meantime so that he could still have mother's milk for those first meals.
We tried and tried, and I pumped and pumped. Anytime Henry was due for a feed, I had to pump first - which took forever, sometimes an hour. The consultants kept acting like I was doing something wrong, that I just needed to be patient and try harder, but it just wasn't happening. They sent me home with formula and told me that if I really wanted to keep trying, I could, but they didn't encourage the breastfeeding anymore.
I was devastated, heartbroken and on the verge of tears every single time it came to feeding. I would try and try until we were both a frustrated mess; me exhausted and Henry starving. I continued to pump. I pumped and pumped and pumped. I was home for 3 months and then when I went back to work, I came home on my lunches to pump some more. Every feed, I pumped. My life consisted of feedings and pumping.
I froze everything that I could, and gradually, I quit producing milk. I tried supplements, pumping every hour, every half-hour, eating and drinking certain foods, anything that I could to keep my milk coming, but it didn't. Eventually it stopped and I knew that this phase was over for us. Eventually the frozen supply ran out and Henry finished his first year on formula.
I hated it. I hated myself for it. I felt like it was my fault and that I had done something completely wrong. I felt like I hadn't given my son everything he deserved and that my body was revolting against everything that I felt was natural.
We came to find later that Henry was lip-tied which was the cause of him being unable to latch, but it still hurts to think about. When I see new moms choose to feed their babies formula over breast-milk, I hate to say it, but they immediately anger me. I feel like they're taking the choice that I didn't have and throwing it out the window (usually) because of some selfish reason. I typically overcome that feeling quickly, knowing that there is no right or wrong way of parenting. But I can't help that initial reaction when I think about how hard I tried and how much I would have given in order to have the choice myself.
My hope and prayer is that when we have another precious baby, I'll be able to breastfeed the way that I so dreamed with Henry. And if not, I'm going to try not to beat myself up about it as much as I did the first time around. I know that you have to do what works for you, your baby and your body, but I couldn't help but fight back tooth and nail when it came to breastfeeding.
Did you breastfeed or use formula? What made you decide to go the route that you did?
When I found out I was pregnant with Henry, I wanted so much to breastfeed. I had this wonderful vision of spending quiet time alone with my baby, bonding as I did the one thing that no one else could do for him. I thought of breastfeeding as the most natural thing in this world, and in fact, the sole reason that God gave me these huge breasts to lug around all the time. I was actually excited to breastfeed.
Then Henry was born and we were overjoyed and exhausted and so excited to start this new adventure of parenthood. When it came to feeding him that very first time, I took him into my arms and was just thrilled to tuck him close to my body and experience this new and perfect thing that we would now include in our daily lives.
But it didn't happen. He wouldn't latch.
The nurses assured me that he would, that he was probably just a bit behind since he was born early. They called in the consultants and had me pump in the meantime so that he could still have mother's milk for those first meals.
We tried and tried, and I pumped and pumped. Anytime Henry was due for a feed, I had to pump first - which took forever, sometimes an hour. The consultants kept acting like I was doing something wrong, that I just needed to be patient and try harder, but it just wasn't happening. They sent me home with formula and told me that if I really wanted to keep trying, I could, but they didn't encourage the breastfeeding anymore.
I was devastated, heartbroken and on the verge of tears every single time it came to feeding. I would try and try until we were both a frustrated mess; me exhausted and Henry starving. I continued to pump. I pumped and pumped and pumped. I was home for 3 months and then when I went back to work, I came home on my lunches to pump some more. Every feed, I pumped. My life consisted of feedings and pumping.
I froze everything that I could, and gradually, I quit producing milk. I tried supplements, pumping every hour, every half-hour, eating and drinking certain foods, anything that I could to keep my milk coming, but it didn't. Eventually it stopped and I knew that this phase was over for us. Eventually the frozen supply ran out and Henry finished his first year on formula.
I hated it. I hated myself for it. I felt like it was my fault and that I had done something completely wrong. I felt like I hadn't given my son everything he deserved and that my body was revolting against everything that I felt was natural.
We came to find later that Henry was lip-tied which was the cause of him being unable to latch, but it still hurts to think about. When I see new moms choose to feed their babies formula over breast-milk, I hate to say it, but they immediately anger me. I feel like they're taking the choice that I didn't have and throwing it out the window (usually) because of some selfish reason. I typically overcome that feeling quickly, knowing that there is no right or wrong way of parenting. But I can't help that initial reaction when I think about how hard I tried and how much I would have given in order to have the choice myself.
My hope and prayer is that when we have another precious baby, I'll be able to breastfeed the way that I so dreamed with Henry. And if not, I'm going to try not to beat myself up about it as much as I did the first time around. I know that you have to do what works for you, your baby and your body, but I couldn't help but fight back tooth and nail when it came to breastfeeding.
Did you breastfeed or use formula? What made you decide to go the route that you did?
Tuesday, August 06, 2013
An Enchanted Garden
Well, maybe it wasn't ACTUALLY enchanted, but it could have been! Henry had a wonderful time yesterday with his cousins and I enjoyed some time with my sister-in-law!
Monday, August 05, 2013
A Day Off
Finally! A Saturday off that I DIDN'T have to request! After two long years, it's about time!!
We started by going pickin' down 127 (the world's largest yard sale) and didn't buy a thing. Then we visited a 'ranch' that's located about five minutes from our house in the middle of some corn fields. Yeah...we have a giraffe within a couple of miles from our house. It's almost funny to think about! Then it was bubbles and a fire in the backyard, just enjoying our night together as a family. I'll let the photos speak instead of going into detail!
Surprisingly Satisfied
I do solemnly resolve to embrace my current season of life and will maximize my time in it. I will resist the urge to hurry through or circumvent any portion of my journey but will live with a spirit of contentment.
-Jenn
--------------------
I am currently reading 'Resolution for Women' by Priscilla Shirer. The book is similar to 'The Love Dare' but shifts it's focus from marriage to life as a Godly woman. I just finished the first chapter which revolved around contentment and God's demand that we trust in Him in a way that we are completely satisfied knowing that He has and will continue to provide all that we need. The first 'resolution' to make to yourself and to God is the one that is wrote and signed at the top of this page.
I am shaken to the core (already) at how piercing this book has been to my soul. I didn't realize just how discontent I was in life, constantly striving for the next big thing and allowing the blessings of this exact season of life to pass me by. I always thought of myself as content and thankful and in constant presence of today's moments, but I can honestly say now that I was the opposite. I'm looking forward to enjoying more of every day, teaching myself to resist the urge to hurry and to live with a spirit of contentment.
If you believe in prayer, I'm asking that my fellow sisters say a little prayer as I start this journey and ask God to help me to see the fullness of each moment, slow down and allow his blessings to overflow. I want to live with a servant's heart, knowing that the more I give, the more He will return to me.
This was probably my favorite quote from the first chapter. Soak it in, it's powerful stuff.
"The more you believe that God's grace to you is overflowing, the more you'll be convinced that you'll always have everything that you need. And the more certain you are that you'll never lack, the more willing and able you'll be to give of yourself and our resources when called for because you'll be certain God will always replenish your supply."
Friday, August 02, 2013
5 Minute Friday - Story
Story
The sun is warm as it shines through the windows, but my house has to be a total of 10 degrees. My husband left the air-conditioner in the living room on (we usually turn it off) over night and I woke up literally shivering. It's little moments like these that I think about my life and how far I have come as a girl and women and I have to thank the heavens that things have changed. I would've never imagined that leaving the air on overnight could be one of my biggest issues of the day.
I am so blessed.
I look around and I have all this stuff, but mostly I have this amazing family: my husband and my son, our two dogs, and the time shared that makes a family so important.
It's easy sometimes to forget just how wonderful our lives are. In the busy to-do's and the stressful times when Henry is being trying or Jeremy and I are just not clicking, I often take for granted just how wonderful it all is.
But the little moments bring me back and they remind me that I have it all and then some.
I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately. Jeremy and I have discussed the possibility in the past, and I know it would not be possible right now, but I know it's something that I would like to do one day. To share this love and stuff and great blessing we all have with another who was not as fortunate would be an absolute dream come true.
Thursday, August 01, 2013
Help!
Let me tell you something, they don't call it the terrible twos for NOTHING. Henry has been downright TERRIBLE lately. I am at my wits end. We have tried time outs, spanking, taking toys away, and positive reinforcement; you name it, we've done it.
How did you Mama's of older babies tame the terrible twos?
Henry has been down right defiant lately. He pushes every limit we've set, he throws things when he doesn't get his way, and he's been throwing fits that are just ridiculous. I'm talking... 20 minutes of screaming at the top of his lungs simply because I picked a toy up off the floor or filled his milk cup or sat down myself. It's been AWFUL.
I feel like we should set more boundaries and recreate his schedule to better suit his current needs, but it's hard to approach anything new at this moment because we are struggling so much to control him. I feel like I'm suddenly raising a completely different child and I need some help because my nerves are just shot.
He's also got this great new trick where he wakes up in the middle of the night and throws one of his newly famous fits because he wants to read books. And I'm not talking one book and back to bed, it's 2 hours worth of books. I stayed up with him the first night because I thought his teeth were bothering him, but then the pattern has repeated itself until Mama's exhausted with no patience left. Last night I simply put him back to bed, turned off the light and let him scream and kick and yell for an hour. Yes, I said an HOUR. With my new work schedule, I'm working almost every day of the week and I get home late. To be running on less sleep is killing me.
Do you have any suggestions for this very tired, very stressed-out Mama? The people around me (my husband, his parents, and my grandmother) keep telling me that it's just a stage and I have to just deal with it, but I really think that there has to be some way to shape this defiant child's attitude. Please help!
How did you Mama's of older babies tame the terrible twos?
Henry has been down right defiant lately. He pushes every limit we've set, he throws things when he doesn't get his way, and he's been throwing fits that are just ridiculous. I'm talking... 20 minutes of screaming at the top of his lungs simply because I picked a toy up off the floor or filled his milk cup or sat down myself. It's been AWFUL.
I feel like we should set more boundaries and recreate his schedule to better suit his current needs, but it's hard to approach anything new at this moment because we are struggling so much to control him. I feel like I'm suddenly raising a completely different child and I need some help because my nerves are just shot.
He's also got this great new trick where he wakes up in the middle of the night and throws one of his newly famous fits because he wants to read books. And I'm not talking one book and back to bed, it's 2 hours worth of books. I stayed up with him the first night because I thought his teeth were bothering him, but then the pattern has repeated itself until Mama's exhausted with no patience left. Last night I simply put him back to bed, turned off the light and let him scream and kick and yell for an hour. Yes, I said an HOUR. With my new work schedule, I'm working almost every day of the week and I get home late. To be running on less sleep is killing me.
Do you have any suggestions for this very tired, very stressed-out Mama? The people around me (my husband, his parents, and my grandmother) keep telling me that it's just a stage and I have to just deal with it, but I really think that there has to be some way to shape this defiant child's attitude. Please help!
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