Thursday, January 28, 2010

Push, pull and crash...

"I wish you could feel the… complexity… the confusion… I feel. That you could understand." -Twilight

True understanding is so hard to find. I've found it difficult lately to connect to anyone on any sort of level. It's like I'm standing in the distance, rambling on and on and on and hoping that someone a mile away will hear my whispers and respond.

It's not that there's something wrong. I don't feel unhappy, depressed or upset...just...hazed. One could often find me standing and staring at nothing, my face and mind completely blank. I need a good conversation, a deep that brings my life back into some sort of existence of meaning instead of the every day routine that has left me feeling lost.

I want hands to explore the depths of my mind, stopping to touch and feel even the smallest of details. I want to find the time to sit down with a cup of coffee and just talk about life and where I am, where we are, what my dreams and hopes and concerns are right in this little chapter of life.

I rarely see my husband anymore. I don't have time for friends or family. Things have become a huge rush: work, school...sleep. (Right, sleep...what's that again?) I've found myself staying up way to late just to sit and stare at my husband for a few minutes at the other end of the couch. It's all the time we have; an hour to stare at one another. It's hard to have a good conversation when your mind and body is barely awake.

It's a complex situation, the push and pull between what you 'need' to do and what you 'want' to do. It's confusing, to him, attempting to guess what the other one is thinking when we've barely time to speak. I wish someone would understand...but understanding is hard to find when we haven't even the time to try to explain it.

1 comment:

  1. I know what you mean, there will always be times like this I think when you and Jeremy rarely see each other. I know that feeling. It comes and goes in cycles, but once you get the things you need to do done, there will be more time for the wants later...I think this is why people say the first few years can be rough.


You don't know just how lovely you are...thank you.