Hush Hush

This is one of those times, one of those moments in my life that I realize I'm not exactly the person that most perceive me to be. It's one of those moments where I long to share things that are considered taboo, one of those moments where I spill my guts and later realize that it was something I should have kept secret.

But I don't want to. Silly, I know.

Knowing is one of the strangest things, tracking dates and listening to your body for little feelings. It's a wonderfully, mysterious strange that I have very carefully taught myself to do in the last year and a half since I've been married.

See, my husband and I prayerfully made the decision when we were married not to use contreceptives in our love making. We knew the risks that this meant, but we studied up, we read all about ovulation and tracking your basal body temperature and things that most men and women never learn about until they are trying to get pregnant. Only, we're not trying to get pregnant, rather, we're doing just the opposite.

A year and a half has gone by and I've never been late, I've never felt as if there's been any sort of little Ovenshire beginning it's life inside of me. I've always felt that our precautions every month have lead us to a baby-free comfort zone. Until today.

It's foolish I know. But there's only a few days out of the month that we normally try to avoid any 'accidents'. We know these days well, I track dates and temperatures, little feelings and pains. We knew that today was a 'prime' day for conception, we knew that when we met in the hallway this afternoon, lips locked, that we would have to be careful.

But we weren't...and we didn't care to be.

It's not that here, a couple hours later, I feel as if I'm on my way to being a new mother. I just feel a bit...dangerous, like I've broken the rules and now I have to wait to be 'caught'. More than likely, I will forget all about our incident here in a few days. I will move on, continue the month and the next without a second thought about it.

But right now I feel free. Silly, I know. But I love it.

And even though it's nothing too great, I just felt like sharing. Despite what others may think, despite that it may be on the 'taboo' side, I just wanted someone to join into my feeling of free.