A Baby Story: Month Four :: Quite honestly, my dear, I'm terrified.

We've done a lot of talking lately, contemplating the future and what it holds for us and our little baby tucked safely in my tummy. I've spoken the word terrified more than once, more than a few times actually. It leaves my lips every time I start to think about it.

I'm so, so happy. I've been accused of being one of those women who's attitude changes so drastically at the mention of my belly or my baby that it's like a drug for me. I can't help but light up and want to talk and talk about it. I'm just excited. I can't wait for my precious one to be here.

But yes, I am terrified. We have five months to figure so much out and it honestly seems very close to impossible.

Right now I'm carrying our insurance, which is fine. I have no intentions of not working through-out the rest of my pregnancy. But after birth, when I can hold him/her in my arms, I don't plan on going back. I won't have someone else raising my children. I'm hoping to pick-up another babysitting job like I had before where I could work and still be there for my child but we will see. The money isn't the most important part, it's the idea of going without insurance that's terrifying. Especially with a newborn in the house. This means Jeremy may have to leave the job that he worked so hard for, that we prayed so hard for that, that he loves so much so that insurance is more available. That breaks my heart. It just wrings me with guilt even if it may be necessary.

That's the most terrifying part right now I guess, or at least the most stressful. The worry about what's to come and the unknown. Although I will admit, the idea of being a mother, of going into a delivery room as just Jeremy and I and then leaving with another human being who is so dependent on us, is one of the most terrifying things I can imagine doing. I kind of want to look someone square in the eye and ask them, seriously, how in the world do you think I'm ready for this?? I'm sure I'm not the first mother-to-be that has felt this way. I'm sure I will be a great mommy. It's the idea behind the fact that I'm going to have this precious little baby and it's life is literally in my hands. Whoa. It almost takes my breath away.

I try to put the fears aside on most days and know that God is in control. Clearly He felt that we were ready to be parents and He knows our situation and He won't let us go without the things we need, I know. The only thing I can do now is pray and push through each day, cherishing my growing tummy and the excitement and newness of life to come.

Seven Times Seventy Times

So there's this new song out by Chris August and I'd heard bits and pieces of it but hadn't really heard it all or really listened to it until today. I was driving home from the grocery and it came on and I cranked up the radio and listened to the words. I do this a lot, I find that God speaks through His music but just like reading your Bible or listening to a sermon, you have to really listen to hear Him. So I listened and He spoke and before I knew it I was bawling my eyes out. (I do this a lot too, I'm a crier)

This song was my life, growing up and doing it too quickly. There were fights, neglect, abuse, alcohol, drugs, violence. You name it, I saw it and felt it and lived it. But life is not about the situations that you're in but how you take those situations and learn and grow from them. I've been close with others who went through the same things as I did growing up and I have to say, there's a line drawn and some stand on one side and some stand on the other. Those who grew from what they experienced stand on one side, some, like me, have relationships with those who at one time hurt them the most. They've learned to forgive and they've learned how to love. Then there are the others who remain angry and hurt and stuck. They are stuck in what happened to them and the thought of forgiving is an insane thought. They stand pointing fingers, blaming everything in their lives on someone else.

Sure, I still hurt at times. But I never look at those that hurt me in hatred, I don't point fingers and I don't blame them for every issue or problem that arises in my life. I know I couldn't have done that by myself, God is so amazing, so loving, He takes every bit of anger and turns it into forgiveness, understanding and compassion. I owe my life to Him. Without Him, I could be the one standing there, full of anger and hurt and just plain stuck.

::7x70::

I've been living in this house here

Since the day that I was born

These walls have seen me happy

But most of all they've seen me torn

They have heard the screaming matches

That made a family fall apart

They've had a front row seat for the breaking of my heart

Seven times seventy times

I'll do what it takes to make it right

I thought the pain was here to stay

But forgiveness made a way

Seven times seventy times

There's healing in the air tonight

I'm reaching up to pull it down

Gonna wrap it all around

I remember running down the hallway playing hide and seek

I didn't know that I was searching for someone to notice me

I felt alone and undiscovered

And old enough to understand

Just when I'm supposed to be learning to love

You let me down again

Seven times seventy times

I'll do what it takes to make it right

I thought the pain was here to stay

But forgiveness made a way

Seven times seventy times

There's healing in the air tonight

I'm reaching up to pull it down

Gonna wrap it all around

I lost count of the ways you let me down

But no matter how many times you weren't around

I'm alright now…cause God picked up my heart and helped me through

And shined light on the one thing left to do

And that's forgive you, I forgive you

Seven times seventy times

I'll do what it takes to make it right

I thought the pain was here to stay

But forgiveness made a way

Seven times seventy times

There's healing in the air tonight

I'm reaching up to pull it down

Gonna wrap it all around

I've been living in this house here since the day that I was born

The Battle of Selves

I'm stuck tonight, between selves. And although I can feel one (the good one, the one I should be) tugging stronger than the other, my defiant self is fighting right back with full force. I'm going to blame the hormones because it's the easy way out and besides, I don't really need an excuse. No one would haven even known if I didn't tell them.

I was called into work today. I know that statement isn't profound or meaningful in anyway but it infuriated me. I had things planned and I had to cancel them. I hate canceling plans when the canceling isn't done by my own reasoning. One self wanted to yell, cry, be angry and frustrated at the situation. Another self knew that this is part of life and that the easiest thing to do was be a big girl about it and suck it up. That self won. I went to work, I got over it. I'm home now.

Jeremy booked our cruise today, he also bought tickets for a concert coming up in a couple of weeks. My concert. A Brandon Heath concert. Sure, other people go, other people love his music. But when I'm there, it's just me, my husband and his music. The world stops for awhile and I love it. Now if I could just convince BH of the same. Maybe I'd be named a special guest and have to stop paying for all these tickets. Wishful thinking, I know. Now for the battle, selves are yelling and arguing and there hasn't been a winner named yet.

We're having a baby. We're going on a cruise. We're spending money. One self shoots an arrow that reminds me that's what it's there for. Another self sends one over that reminds me of all we need to buy, all the changes that will be made, how that extra money may be crucial in the future. The exchanges go back and forth and I'm reminded that Jeremy and I talked this over, we have a plan, we know what we're doing. An angry arrow pierces flesh and I wince, thinking that perhaps we're acting like silly kids instead of mature grown-ups.

Then there's that. The grown-up part. Neither self really feels grown-up, more or less they just act like it. It's like a game, make-believe. We're all playing house, pretending with our best imaginations that it's real. I kinda hope I never wake up and realize that it is.

Oh but a final battle is raging tonight. It's the big finale, the war of wars. Oh yes, it's all about the husband. Where is he? Oh...I know, one self says...he's out, buying another car. Hey, hey, hey the other self adds, you know why he's doing that and this car, well, it will probably completely pay for that vacation! The first self chuckles, notes that it's 8:30, that a stomach is grumbling and with hands on hips waits for an explosion.

Oh calming self, please be with me. He means good and I do love him...