We've done a lot of talking lately, contemplating the future and what it holds for us and our little baby tucked safely in my tummy. I've spoken the word terrified more than once, more than a few times actually. It leaves my lips every time I start to think about it.
I'm so, so happy. I've been accused of being one of those women who's attitude changes so drastically at the mention of my belly or my baby that it's like a drug for me. I can't help but light up and want to talk and talk about it. I'm just excited. I can't wait for my precious one to be here.
But yes, I am terrified. We have five months to figure so much out and it honestly seems very close to impossible.
Right now I'm carrying our insurance, which is fine. I have no intentions of not working through-out the rest of my pregnancy. But after birth, when I can hold him/her in my arms, I don't plan on going back. I won't have someone else raising my children. I'm hoping to pick-up another babysitting job like I had before where I could work and still be there for my child but we will see. The money isn't the most important part, it's the idea of going without insurance that's terrifying. Especially with a newborn in the house. This means Jeremy may have to leave the job that he worked so hard for, that we prayed so hard for that, that he loves so much so that insurance is more available. That breaks my heart. It just wrings me with guilt even if it may be necessary.
That's the most terrifying part right now I guess, or at least the most stressful. The worry about what's to come and the unknown. Although I will admit, the idea of being a mother, of going into a delivery room as just Jeremy and I and then leaving with another human being who is so dependent on us, is one of the most terrifying things I can imagine doing. I kind of want to look someone square in the eye and ask them, seriously, how in the world do you think I'm ready for this?? I'm sure I'm not the first mother-to-be that has felt this way. I'm sure I will be a great mommy. It's the idea behind the fact that I'm going to have this precious little baby and it's life is literally in my hands. Whoa. It almost takes my breath away.
I try to put the fears aside on most days and know that God is in control. Clearly He felt that we were ready to be parents and He knows our situation and He won't let us go without the things we need, I know. The only thing I can do now is pray and push through each day, cherishing my growing tummy and the excitement and newness of life to come.