Friday, October 07, 2011

5 o' clock ramblings

I miss being pregnant. Yeah, I know I'm absolutely insane...but I loved having my Henry so close to me all of the time. I try to tell myself that I don't really miss it, I only think I do...I mean, I had so many complications and I was seriously absolutely miserable with itching at the end there. My delivery wasn't easy and if I were sane, I'd dread ever going through all of it again. But I don't. I just miss it and yet, I'm not ready for another. Jeremy is ready now but he will just have to wait, just awhile longer I think.

It's funny how your entire outlook on life can change in an instant. I am more aware than ever of how crazy messed up life can be and I wish with every fiber in my being that I could protect my children from it. Knowing that I can't is the hardest part. I understand now why parents retract themselves and their children from the world, sheltering them from what they don't want them to have to see. Unfortunately that just doesn't work or I would do it myself one day.

I still have mixed thoughts on homeschooling. I want my children to have a great education and I know that through patience and a lot of effort, I could give that to them at home but at the same time, I want them to have the social experience and be given the chance to be somewhat 'normal'. I'm just not sure how I can make both happen. I suppose we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Troy has a great Christian school. Perhaps that's the best possibility.

It's funny really. I've never been closer to my grandmother. I get where she's always came from on so many more things now. Jeremy's family however, think I'm crazy I know. I'm okay with that. They can have their opinions but I'm still going to do things in ways that I think are best. Of course there are times that Jeremy listens too closely, takes their opinion over mine and well, that hurts. But still, I will not waiver. I will raise my children to be respectful and kind, compassionate and thankful. I will whip them and his parents will cringe every time. But it's worth it.

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You don't know just how lovely you are...thank you.