Heavy Hearted

"Becoming a mother makes you the mother of all children. From now on each wounded, abandoned, frightened child is yours. You live in the suffering mothers of every race and creed and weep with them. You long to comfort all who are desolate."

I can't sleep tonight. I have a deep, heavy heart and I can't exactly pinpoint why. I read this quote earlier and I think it's partly the reason. I think of my son and the love I have for him and I can't imagine what other mothers and children who are so much less privileged than I am are going through. I can't imagine not being able to sooth my crying child because it is hungry or in pain. It's hard for me to even think about, it just breaks my heart into pieces.

I think another part of the reason is that I miss my brother. I worry about him. I just want to know that he'll be coming home safely one of these days. But God holds his future in His hands and I just have to trust His will be done. I just need a grain of a mustard seed of faith, He says. Sometimes something so small sure does seem huge.

Guilt is also chipping at me tonight. I am tired. My body aches and I want so badly for someone to notice. I know that's silly, but at times I feel so stretched thin. Working and being a mother, wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, house-keeper, etc, etc... can just wear a person down. It's times like these that I long to have a stable family around me. I wish I had a mother of my own to call on when I was tired or didn't feel good and just needed a break.

As long as God let's me live to see the day, my children will never, ever want for that. I will never choose to abandon my children like mine chose to abandon me. When my son or daughter needs someone there to help, no matter what it is- I will be there.

I am so blessed with those that I am surrounded by now. I have women in my life who serve as wonderful mother figures. But nothing replaces your true mom and although it's taken me a long time not to hate her for what she did, it has made me a better woman and mother because of it.