I often wonder what would happen if I fell so hard and so deep one day that my husband, my friends, my family, the people that I love, would not love me anymore. I have heard the warning from my husband time and time again, "I can forgive anything, Jennifer, but not that one thing, if you do that to me, I'll walk away and never look back."
I understand, I do. Forgiving someone if they betray you is hard, especially if you've trusted them with everything that you are. But I've done it before, time and time again. I suppose my forgiving heart does not understand how you can not give someone a second chance if they mess up.
No matter what they did.
It's not like this is a huge concern in our relationship. I can't see myself ever straying away from my husband for a fling or even for something 'deeper'. And I can't see him straying either. I like to think that since marriage, I've become very good at seeing all other men as just men, and my husband alone as my mate; the person God made for me. But everyone makes mistakes and I sometimes worry that one day I will make that one last mistake that will cost me everything.
I often want to shake my husband when we get to talking and he says something like this to me that God commands us to forgive. Seven times seventy times. That's a LOT. Selfishly it's for my own reasons because I would never want to lose him, no matter how badly I had hurt him.
I know it's odd that things like these linger on my mind. But I suppose I like to know and be prepared for all situations in life. When he asks me the same question my answer is simply this: "It would be hard to trust you again, but I would forgive you."
My heart aches with the question: why won't he do the same for me?
The one comfort that I do have when thinking on tough situations like these is that God would forgive me. There is no one last mistake with God. If we're broken and sincere and truly sorry for the sin we've committed, God will come running to our aid, wrapping his arms around us and ushering us into his house of forgiveness and love. His love is just that true and strong.