Wednesday, August 07, 2013

National Breastfeeding Week

In case you were unaware, this week is National Breastfeeding Week. Breastfeeding is a sore subject for me. I hate to talk about it because I am so passionate about it and 1) I'm afraid I'm going to deeply offend someone and 2) it seriously hurts to talk about.

When I found out I was pregnant with Henry, I wanted so much to breastfeed. I had this wonderful vision of spending quiet time alone with my baby, bonding as I did the one thing that no one else could do for him. I thought of breastfeeding as the most natural thing in this world, and in fact, the sole reason that God gave me these huge breasts to lug around all the time. I was actually excited to breastfeed.

Then Henry was born and we were overjoyed and exhausted and so excited to start this new adventure of parenthood. When it came to feeding him that very first time, I took him into my arms and was just thrilled to tuck him close to my body and experience this new and perfect thing that we would now include in our daily lives.

But it didn't happen. He wouldn't latch.

The nurses assured me that he would, that he was probably just a bit behind since he was born early. They called in the consultants and had me pump in the meantime so that he could still have mother's milk for those first meals.

We tried and tried, and I pumped and pumped. Anytime Henry was due for a feed, I had to pump first - which took forever, sometimes an hour. The consultants kept acting like I was doing something wrong, that I just needed to be patient and try harder, but it just wasn't happening. They sent me home with formula and told me that if I really wanted to keep trying, I could, but they didn't encourage the breastfeeding anymore.

I was devastated, heartbroken and on the verge of tears every single time it came to feeding. I would try and try until we were both a frustrated mess; me exhausted and Henry starving. I continued to pump. I pumped and pumped and pumped. I was home for 3 months and then when I went back to work, I came home on my lunches to pump some more. Every feed, I pumped. My life consisted of feedings and pumping.

I froze everything that I could, and gradually, I quit producing milk. I tried supplements, pumping every hour, every half-hour, eating and drinking certain foods, anything that I could to keep my milk coming, but it didn't. Eventually it stopped and I knew that this phase was over for us. Eventually the frozen supply ran out and Henry finished his first year on formula.

I hated it. I hated myself for it. I felt like it was my fault and that I had done something completely wrong. I felt like I hadn't given my son everything he deserved and that my body was revolting against everything that I felt was natural.

We came to find later that Henry was lip-tied which was the cause of him being unable to latch, but it still hurts to think about. When I see new moms choose to feed their babies formula over breast-milk, I hate to say it, but they immediately anger me. I feel like they're taking the choice that I didn't have and throwing it out the window (usually) because of some selfish reason. I typically overcome that feeling quickly, knowing that there is no right or wrong way of parenting. But I can't help that initial reaction when I think about how hard I tried and how much I would have given in order to have the choice myself.

My hope and prayer is that when we have another precious baby, I'll be able to breastfeed the way that I so dreamed with Henry. And if not, I'm going to try not to beat myself up about it as much as I did the first time around. I know that you have to do what works for you, your baby and your body, but I couldn't help but fight back tooth and nail when it came to breastfeeding.

Did you breastfeed or use formula? What made you decide to go the route that you did?


8 comments:

  1. Parker had a lip tie, too. They checked him in the hospital for a tongue tie but not a lip tie. He had the worst most shallow latch ever. What worked for us was a nipple shield. I used that and pumped but once I went back to work Parker started refusing to nurse. He had a preference for the bottle over me, and eventually we quit nursing at nearly 5 months. I can so so relate to your feelings. I was shocked to find how difficult breastfeeding was. But I learned a lot and will be (hopefully) able to nurse our next little one no problem.

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    1. I think I managed to get Henry to latch twice in the weeks after his birth that I tried and tried, it just didn't happen for us. They didn't check Henry for either at the hospital, which make me so mad. At least going into things a second time (hopefully) I'll know a little more about it as well!

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  2. I'm so sorry that you had such a frustrating experience breastfeeding Henry. I had a hard time breastfeeding Roman at first, although eventually it did "click" with him. It's SO infuriating to hear that you Henry's lip-tie went unnoticed, it is SO infuriating to hear that the medical community would make you feel like you were doing something "wrong" and not be supportive. Ugh, ugh ugh these are things that make me so mad, but that have also let me to find my beliefs in motherhood. I hope that you can feel empowered by your breastfeeding experience - pumping is NO JOKE! It is amazing that you stuck with it for so long and were able to give all of that milk to Henry, so so awesome. Please don't feel that your body betrayed you, you are a wonderful mom and you absolutely put so much effort into giving Henry your milk. Most moms would not have tried that hard! I too, hope for your sake that you can have a different experience with your next baby. But of course, if not, your baby will still be loved and happy just the same!

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    1. Thanks Gillian for the wonderfully inspiring words. Hopefully the 2nd time around will be much easier for us.

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  3. I tried and tried and tried with Marcus. Breastfeeding did not happen for us. My supply was so low. So, I would pump, and pump, and pump. Every day I was able to produce JUST enough to feed him, but at night I always had to supplement with formula. By three months I was done pumping and Marcus was strictly formula fed. I was devastated. But, my little man is healthy and happy, so I know we did the very best we could.
    Like you, if/when another baby enters our lives I desperately want to try breastfeeding again.

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    1. We can only do the very best that we can, right?

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  4. I tried breastfeeding with Gunner and he did fine, but unfortunately I do not find the connection that other people do, and I'll just be honest I do not enjoy breastfeeding or find a special bond. So I exclusively pumped, but working as a nurse in the ICU did not allow for me to continue to pump much after I returned to work. We supplemented him with formula from a young age because he wouldn't sleep long at night and the pediatrician thought it would help and in his case it did. But by the time he was probably 5 months, he was on formula constantly because the frozen supply ran out. With Kennedy, pumping has been my way as well. And it really angers me when the nurse at the pediatrician told me"you are doing twice the work you have to feed her a bottle of breast milk and then pump, just breastfeed her. But that is not for me and I shouldn't have to explain it! This works okay, I do have to do certain things to keep my supply going, because of her NICU stay I couldn't start feeding her until over 24 hours after her birth and the hospital pump didn't work well with me, so needless to say she has had formula since day one, but now just at night. I feel for people who do want to have that bond of feeding and can't and I am sorry that I dont 'get it' but this works best for me and I am hopeful that since I work part time on the floor and part time in an office pumping will go batter at work!

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    1. I agree with you about the pediatrician. No offense to you of course, but I hate when medical professionals act like they know exactly what is right for you and you have no other choice in the matter. I experienced that several times through-out my pregnancy, child-birth, and now raising Henry. I don't see why anyone should force themselves to breastfeed if it's not right for them but I also feel like babies should be given Mama's milk if they can be. I commend you for pumping, pumping is no joke and the nurse was right - it's twice as much work. But I think it is so, so worth it.

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You don't know just how lovely you are...thank you.