Getting it Out and Letting it Go
I always wanted to be a mom.
Ever since I was a little girl, my biggest desire was to have a family of my own one day to love and cherish and teach and watch grow. I feel so extremely blessed that I have had the opportunity to be a mother to Henry and while I continue to pray that God blesses us with another, I am trying to focus on the fact that one can be enough. At least for now.
However, it is not always easy to focus on the present when everyone around you seems to be focused on the future. It's becoming increasingly harder to answer the question 'when are you and Jeremy going to have another?' honestly. I've almost got it down to an easy, scripted response: 'Oh, we would love to have more but it's just not happening for us right now...' Then on to the smile, ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach, and wait for the typical responses of 'oh, it will happen' or 'you're just not trying hard enough'.
It's disheartening and it's hard.
Then there is that constant guilt that I struggle with as I watch those I know around me who haven't been blessed to have just one. It makes me feel selfish and ignorant and insensitive. I pray for them every time I pray for myself because I feel like that is the very, very least I can do. At least I am not there, at least I have Henry, at least I have been blessed this much.
God is good and I know that all of this is part of His plan. I have to keep trusting in Him and knowing that no matter how I feel about the matter, I can never change the outcome unless it is His will.
Sometimes it all just feels overwhelming and it helps just to get it all out there and let it go.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I haven't been there before but I can only imagine the difficulty. One of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11 - it always comforts me in times like these :) Sending lots of prayers and good thoughts your way!
ReplyDeleteOh girl, my heart hurts for you. I imagine that the waiting and wanting must be so hard. I can't relate to your story completely of course because its yours, but I did go through a time of really longing for a baby and not having one and losing one that was very difficult for me. I can't imagine how you must feel longing for another baby because I know that the pain I felt during that time was very powerful and real. I have also struggled with comparing my family and family size with others, especially online. Originally, I really wanted a LOT of kids and for different circumstances that hasn't happened for me. Sometes I look at other blogs with tons of kids and think, wait isn't that supposed to be me? It's all just so complicated, isn't it? I agreed with you that this is all part of God's plan, but don't feel guilty about your pain - it is very real!!
ReplyDeleteSending so much love your way! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteSuch a good post. Seriously. I caught a TINY glimpse into what some people suffer for for years after trying for deuce for well over 6 months. In fact, I stopped asking friends if/when #2 was coming in case others were going through the same thing. It definitely makes me more guarded on asking questions about babies and I find myself rarely ever asking anyone that. But if someone said 'you weren't trying hard enough', I would have slapped them. :)
ReplyDeleteI feel for you, Jenn. I think you've got the right attitude about it though. Keep the faith. I'm sure God has great things in store for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry…I think God does give us the peace that is needed with His answers.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with online comparison, like Gillian said. My little Mace could very well be an only child, but I have no idea what the future holds. I truly hate comparing myself to others though. I wish I was better about that.
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