Ever since I was a little girl, my biggest desire was to have a family of my own one day to love and cherish and teach and watch grow. I feel so extremely blessed that I have had the opportunity to be a mother to Henry and while I continue to pray that God blesses us with another, I am trying to focus on the fact that one can be enough. At least for now.
However, it is not always easy to focus on the present when everyone around you seems to be focused on the future. It's becoming increasingly harder to answer the question 'when are you and Jeremy going to have another?' honestly. I've almost got it down to an easy, scripted response: 'Oh, we would love to have more but it's just not happening for us right now...' Then on to the smile, ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach, and wait for the typical responses of 'oh, it will happen' or 'you're just not trying hard enough'.
It's disheartening and it's hard.
Then there is that constant guilt that I struggle with as I watch those I know around me who haven't been blessed to have just one. It makes me feel selfish and ignorant and insensitive. I pray for them every time I pray for myself because I feel like that is the very, very least I can do. At least I am not there, at least I have Henry, at least I have been blessed this much.
God is good and I know that all of this is part of His plan. I have to keep trusting in Him and knowing that no matter how I feel about the matter, I can never change the outcome unless it is His will.
Sometimes it all just feels overwhelming and it helps just to get it all out there and let it go.