I won't lie and say that it's been because I've had nothing to say. I've had plenty to say, I just don't know if I knew how or if I was ready to say it.
Big changes are coming to our household. Changes that, although I pushed them, I am still 100% completely unsure of. Changes that are going to effect our family in a million ways. Changes that will be good, although difficult.
A couple of weeks ago I took the plunge and applied for a full-time position at my work. Let me start by saying that I really did NOT expect to get it. I had tough competition and our interview process at work is something that literally needs practiced and perfected in order to win a position. I had never applied for a specialist position, so I had no idea what to expect - I went in blind but was surprised at how well most of the answers came to me and I left confident that I had a pretty good interview.
When I was offered the job I was both excited and terrified.
This has not been an easy decision for me at all. I applied for the job halfheartedly, sure I wouldn't need to make a decision about whether or not I was truly ready to go from part-time to full-time, so when the offer came, I had to make my mind up quick.
When I accepted the offer, I did not celebrate. If anything, I felt...sad. I felt sad that I would be returning to work on a full-time basis and missing out on being home with Henry - my pride and joy - like I had for the last 3 years. I was sad that there would be days that I would not be home when he needed me. And I was sad that I would miss out on milestones and the little daily things that I have treasured so much. I was sad that things would have to change, that he was growing up, that life goes on, the this was going to be both good, bad, and so difficult.
However, this is going to be mostly a good thing, I know it.
Do I sound like I'm trying to convince myself of that?
For one, this means a whole lot more income for our family. Which means much more opportunity for Henry as he gets older to do more and explore more and have the things he wants and needs. We won't even mention our current insurance situation - so the full-time insurance I can provide is going to be a God-send.
For two, this means that I will be out of the house and in an environment with real-live adults. I know that may sound crazy, but on a given week, I may come in contact with an adult other than Jeremy just a few times. Work is often an escape for me, and I love the people I work with.
For three, this position is perfect for me. It's the only reason I applied for it. Essentially I will be designing kitchens for people. I get to learn a new software and be creative while I work - which is awesome. I've often felt trapped in my part-time position because the ability to be creative or have a voice was not there. I think this is going to be a big step towards feeling much more fulfilled at work.
For four, Henry needs out of this house. He needs to socialize, to learn. I'm looking into full-time preschools for him next year. I think he'll be ready. In the meantime, I'm hoping a good friend of mine will have an opening in her home for him where he can play with several other kids his age until then.
I am so utterly grateful for the three years that I got to spend home with Henry. But the truth of the matter is this - I'm still out of the house 5 days a week. I miss dinner with my boys almost every night. Jeremy and I simply just 'trade-off' child care duties while the other scoots off to work. The biggest difference will be that instead of me being out of the house for 4-5 hours during the week and the 9 hour shifts on the weekend, it will be 9 all the time. I will have a set schedule, with a full weekend off plus an extra Sunday a month. Most days I will be home at 5 or 7...and at this point, with our marriage kind of rocky at the moment, I think that those hours in the evening together and full weekend days are way more important than the few hours I will be missing during the day. At least that's what I'm hoping.
This has been so hard for me. The idea of stepping away from that 'mostly stay at mom' position and into the 'working mom' position seems almost impossible to me.
But here it is...and I think I'm ready to embark on this adventure.