If you've read my blog for any length of time, you know how important parenting is to me.
I know that sounds silly. Of course parenting is important to me. If you're a parent, how can parenting NOT be important to you? Right?
I don't know how else to say it though. Parenting, or my way of parenting, is important to me. Attached parenting is important to me. (That's what it's called, right?) Spending these younger years by my son's side, teaching him, playing with him, exploring with him, and being that constant in his life is very, very important to me.
So when I started watching two other boys in my home five days a week, I realized I didn't really think it all the way through before I made the commitment. And I regretted it, almost immediately.
My time, my precious time, was then split between three instead of one...and the youngest one needed fed, and changed, and fed again every few hours...and the other boy, he needed more attention because he was constantly into everything and I was afraid that if I took my eye off of him for even a second, he'd end up hurt...and Henry played at my feet, and pulled on my shirt, and said 'Mommy, I want to go outside. Mommy, I want to go see Daddy. Mommy, come read to me.' and I had to tell him no, or not right now, or in a little bit, and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Mom guilt set in fast and I had to step back and think 'Is this worth it?'. Really, is staying home and having my attention pulled away from Henry any different than working outside of the home 9-5? I'm here, but I'm not.
So when the girl just didn't show up with her boys today (I'm sorry, but who does that?!?), I kinda let out a huge sigh of relief. I knew that this was probably coming because we had butted heads several times in the previous week (No, I can't watch your kids later while you run errands and lolly-gag around, I have another job to get to after they leave. Please change your son before he comes over so I don't have to clean up the inside of his diaper when it falls apart all over my house. If he's that sick, you shouldn't be bringing him here because then, HELLO, my son is going to get sick too!) and we really just did not seem like a good match for each other, at all.
I am so glad for this experience because it made me realize how much I love spending time with my son, and just how blessed we are to have this time. I have thought so much about purpose this year, and right now, Henry is mine. I want to cherish and be thankful for the opportunity I've been given to do so much with him, and to be there, and to really enjoy it.
This is so important to me, this parenting job. The next time I think 'well...we could really use the money' I'm going to remember this and take a step back and realize what I have to sacrifice first.
Lesson learned.
