I loved my pappy. I always called him ‘pappaw’ but when I think of him now, I think ‘pappy’. It’s the same for my grandmother, who I will forever call ‘mammal’ but will always think ‘grannie’.

He passed away in 1998 after a long struggle with cancer. I will never forget that night, I will never forget the last time that I saw him. He smiled so big, he waved and I waved back. I walked out of that hospital without a single thought of that being our last goodbye.

I had a concert that night. It was Christmas time and I was in fifth grade. Mrs. Toby was our music teacher and she always loved putting together little concerts and shows for our parents to come to. Anyone who ever attended C.F. Holliday and knew her, will remember and tell you about the Wack-A-Do-Zoo. I’m pretty sure that I was a pig that mooed.

We went to see my pappy that night. My memory is a big foggy but I’m almost positive that it was before my concert. My dad took us to see him, ‘us’ being my brother Robert and me. He was in the ICU and my grannie was there by his bed side.

We didn’t really talk, I just curled up in the bed next to him, being accustomed to sitting in his lap even though I’d grown far too large for it. He couldn’t talk then anyway. The cancer had started in his neck and years before they had removed his voice box and inserted a trachea. I remember the pad and pencil that he had with him, to communicate with the doctors, nurses and family.

I was too young to understand it fully then. I thought he would get better and come home. I thought that when someone went into the hospital, they always came out. But he didn’t come out.

My dad woke me and my brother up the next morning for school. We got dressed and had breakfast and as we were walking out the door he simply said, “Oh, you’re grandfather passed away through the night. I almost forgot to tell you.”

I was devastated.

I cried all the way to school. I cried during my first class. I left during my second and went to the office to call my grandmother. I just remember telling her that I was sad. It was the only emotion I felt that day. Just sad.

To this day it makes me sad. It breaks my heart every time that I think of him or talk about him. I have a picture frame that I’ve always kept close to me that is the home of a single picture of us: me sitting in his lap, just like old days. I miss him a lot of times like it he just left us yesterday. Even now I sit here almost unable to see my computer screen because of the tears that continue to bubble and fall from my eyes.

I know he is in a better place. Home with Jesus in paradise without anymore of that pain and suffering he knew here on earth. I know I’ll see him there again one of these days. But knowing just lessens the hurt, it doesn’t take it away.

Memorial day always brings back the memory of my grandfather. It always brings back that raw hurt and emotion I feel when I think about him. I usually go and visit his grave on this sacred Monday. I dust off the grass and dirt from the plaque at his feet and read over the words written there, the details of his days in war.

Memorial day is about honoring and remembering those who died in war, those who gave their life for the safety and freedom of this country. But to me it’s more. To me it’s about remembering my pappaw, the man who stole my heart as a little girl. The man who’s face will always be imprinted in my mind, waving and smiling as I walked away, saying goodbye without ever even knowing it.

Early Mornings

I love early mornings. You know the kind. Those mornings when you awake before the rest of the world, before the sun peeks it's shining head above the horizon, before the dew slowly disappears from each little blade of grass and your house and home is just quiet.

I don't find these mornings often anymore. The moment I stir the pup is wanting to go out, the cat is meowing for attention and more than likely, I'm only up because it's time for work and I have little to no time to take in any of the peace of silence anyway. Today was not one of those days.

Today I basked in the warmth of a silent sunrise, breathed in the smell of fresh dew and grass around me. Today I stretched and yawned, fresh coffee in hand, with only the company of my wondering mind and of course, God.

Today I prayed gently for forgiveness. I prayed for help and guidance, for hope and comfort. I prayed selfishly, I prayed for myself and my family and for once, I left everyone else out. I prayed for more early mornings, more warm sunrises and more time with God.

Peacefully, gently, just me and Him.

I left everything else in yesterday. I moved carefully into today without a care and although I know that it will not last, that tomorrow will come and my work week will begin and my mornings will be chaos, I do not care. Today is a perfect early morning and that is what I am focusing on.

Cinco De Mayo, Tattoos, Mother's Day & Graduation

That about sums it up really. Cinco de Mayo was a blast. (Yeah, I know it's pointless to celebrate another country's holiday, especially when the country itself doesn't even celebrate it...but anything to go out and have a good time with friends, right?) However, it left me sick all day...which makes no sense. I think it was the one Negra Modelo and the super lack of sleep.

Brandon got two new tattoos. I love them and am totally jealous because I have been planning my next one out for a year now and have yet to go get it. So, goal for 2010, finally get my foot tattoo...even if it hurts like crazy and I cry like a baby because of it.

Mother's day is Sunday. I love mother's day, I always make something cute for my grandmother. This year however, I have made nothing, I have bought nothing and I have nothing planned. Well, actually...I do have something planned. We will be in the car driving all day, now that I think of it.

My cousin's graduation is Saturday. We are leaving after work tomorrow to head to Virginia. I'm so excited. Her and Matt are so awesome, so amazing. I miss them so much and I can't wait for tomorrow to get here. Oh...and my Uncle Coy's birthday is Sunday. So this is just a week full of excitement!

Tired...going to bed now. Snooooozzee.

Rinse and Repeat

Life has been constant as of late. There have been times when it's picked up and left me standing still and confused and there have been times when I've took off running only to look back and see that it hasn't budged an inch. I'm happiest this way, content in the parrellism of the two. Our apartment is coming together so well. Now that I've hung up a few pictures, it really feels much more like home. I've found myself going back to that 'artsy fartsy' side of myself, coming up with new crafts and creating a longer and more detailed 'to-do' list. Before long I'll have everything just the way that I like it and I can focus on perfecting another small detail in this busy life.

I miss cooking, I think baking again might be next on the list.

I'm hoping to put out a garden this year. We have a small flowerbed in the back that doesn't have anything that appeals to me growing in it and it would be the perfect spot. I bought a cilantro plant while I was out with my grandmother on Monday and I'm hoping to pick up a few tomato plants and maybe even a jalapeno. Perhaps I can make fresh salsa straight from the garden, rather than buying all the delicious ingredients from the grocery store. Nothing would make me prouder. I've found that I love gardening, planting little flowers or vegetables and watching them grow and prosper into so much more. It's one of life's little miracles that so much of us miss.

Little Mason is growing like a weed. He goes next week for his last puppy shots and as time goes by, he looks more and more like a dog and less like the baby he seemed to be when we first got him. He's learned how to play fetch and can get quite obnoxious with his squeaky toys when he's still full of energy and you just feel done for awhile. Although he's learned a few things, we still can't seem to master 'sit'. We'll get there eventually, it just takes time. We're debating now whether or not to have him neutered. We were considering finding a full-blood female and breeding one day down the road but we're not sure that we're up for that sort of challenge in the next few years. There is still plenty of time to make that decision although we know that sooner would be better.

I took Stinky to the vet two weeks ago because his behavior had changed and we feared that he may have had some sort of infection or something. Our vet told us that he was just moody and put him on hormones, since then he has went back to normal. He's still moody, he's just not moody with an attitude. I think the vet thought my face was funny when he told me that our cat just had an attitude problem. I could have told him that.

Jeremy started a new job and loves it. I'm so proud of him. I really hope that things prosper and grow into something greater while he is at this place. It's such a cute place too. When I get the time, I'm going to go down there and take a few pictures so that we can set up a website for the guy. It's very vintage, still original and will make some awesome pictures I'm sure.

I love my little family and 99% of the time, I love my little life. Ocassionly it's less than pleasant and I wish nothing more than just to go home, crawl into my old bed and just pretend like I'm 10 again. But most days I'm happy, I'm content and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Life is truly what you make of it, it's the mindset that you choose to take on and although it's not always happy, it's totally worth it all.

Random Ramblings

It's not the same as it once was. There isn't that spark, that want, that need. She still loves him, but that love has converted into something less. Bits and pieces of it have fallen away into shadows where they will, more than likely, stay lost without ever being found. She thought it was better that way; a more honest way of living. Without him she was overall, a better person, even if that left her a bit...well, unhappier. The thought of living without him tore her apart, but if she didn't think about him, she didn't think of living without him and that left her puzzle complete, creating that one missing piece where he should have been. Completion found within a void...if that made sense.

Exhaustion

I am beyond tired tonight. I couldn't even begin to explain the busy week I've had and work today just topped it off. I haven't been able to pull my thoughts into one place for a long enough period to write anything this week. I'm disappointed in myself for that, I feel like I sacrifice to much of myself and what I really love at times. I've had a few things on my mind that I just want to rid myself of. Like one, Brandon Heath's song 'Love Never Fails' is now playing on K-Love. I know it sounds ridiculous, especially since he's my favorite musician...but it just makes me plain out mad. That was my song, it belonged to me and part of the reason it was so special to me was because it wasn't 'out' there, being heard everyday by millions of other people. I got married to that song, I walked down the aisle to the beautiful music and lyrics about the truest love. I guess it shouldn't matter to me if it is now 'known'. But I liked it better when it was just mine and my husbands, when every word was known by us and the rest of the world didn't know it. Oh well.

In other news, Mason has been sleeping through the night. He's a mommy's boy though. The moment I get up he cries and yelps until I come get him...and he listens to me. When Jeremy tries to tell him to do something he does just the opposite. It's kind of funny. He'll get the hang of things eventually, he's only a baby still!

In exactly two weeks I will be boarding our cruise ship and prepare to head towards the Carribean. WOOHOO. I need a vacation in the worst way. I need some time with my husband especially. Just us. No worries, no work, no hw.

Which reminds me. Two more weeks of school. Four more days of classes. I could count them down now. I can't wait to start next quarter. I take my first accounting class...and I'm also taking a humanities class that revolves around Bible study. I'm extremely excited for both of them.

Oh! And before then I get to go do some shopping. Get some new flippies and sundresses and summer clothing. Oh to be in the warmth of the sun! I so will be sporting a sunburn when I come home from spring break!

It's bedtime for me. If you asked me what I just wrote here, I probably couldn't tell you. I am truly beyond exhausted and for the first time in awhile, I have fought sleep long enough to accomplish a little bit of something. Either way though, church will come early tomorrow morning. So happy weekend everyone. =)

Our New Addition

It's been a very, very long night and still, I was nothing but excited when I got up this morning to our newest little addition. His name is Mason Landon Ovenshire and he is a full-blooded (woo, a registered puppy!) mini-dachshund. I'm not sure I would call him mini though, he's more of a teacup size. He's just adorable. He has the tan and black markings, which is what my husband always wanted and enough personality to fill the shoes of a puppy of great size. His brothers and sisters were 2 or 3 times larger than him, so to say we got the runt would be accurate enough.

He cried all night. I mean...all night. I feel bad for the little guy, I can't imagine how it must feel for him to just be pulled away from his mommy and siblings. It was cute though, I got up at 6:00 and held him until he fell asleep and then put him back in his cage. (I would have loved for him to sleep with us but we don't want to start any bad habits this early.) When I woke up again this morning at 9, he was still curled up beneath the blankets, chewing on Susie's old froggy. It was just cute.

Stinky is far from thrilled with us. We're hoping he will warm up to him eventually and they will become great friends. Isa doesn't seem to care...of course, she probably wouldn't. Jeremy is looking forward to teaching him how to catch. I, of course, am looking forward to doggy sweaters and taking him out. We're planning on him being a traveling dog, so he'll always be with us! I'm very happy to have him as the newest addition to our family.