Ramblings

Tonight I am just plain tired. The last two days I've barely moved from the couch; I just haven't felt right. I keep having horrible contractions and despite drinking and drinking water I feel so dehydrated. I did my best to do my job at work tonight and ignore everything but it was hard to do. I'm not looking forward to the 10 hour days the next three days feeling this way. I keep telling myself that it will all be worth it and I know it will, I just wish I knew why my body seems to be screaming that something is wrong. It's probably all in my head; being a first time mom every little pain and twitch makes me worry although I usually just ignore it all. I figure if anything is ever really wrong, I'll know it.

I hope the next 10 weeks go by quickly. I'm so ready to see my little guy. I keep telling all of our friends and family that I'm going to force him to be here at 37 weeks but I know that that's beyond my control. I'm not anxious about delivery at all, I kinda feel like I was built for birth but I suppose I won't really know until I get there. I'm still pretty set on going drug-free even though everyone keeps telling me that I'll change my mind.

Either way, things are ready. The crib is set up, the highchair is in the kitchen, the car seat in the car. We have a ton of diapers and lotions and baby bath and more clothes than what we know what to do with. The baby book is as filled out as it can be. I have one more baby shower in about a month and then we'll finish getting whatever we don't get then that we really need. In the meantime I'm just trying to be patient...and failing miserably.

Jitters

Today I am photographing my first wedding.

Am I nervous? You bet'cha!

Am I excited? Yup, that too!!

I have confidence in myself and in my ability to deliver exactly what this couple is asking for, I guess it's just that never failing nagging feeling that you'll disappoint that has me all jittery. I've thought about it so much that I literally dreamed last night of different poses and break-outs and photos to take. Now I'm just praying that the rain holds off!

A Baby Story :: Months 5 & 6

It's been awhile since I wrote a little pregnancy post but my, oh my how things have changed!

We found out we were having a little boy. I'll have to admit that I was kinda hoping for a girl but of course, I don't mind much, I just want our little one to be healthy. After much thought and a few too many suggestions we settled on the name Henry. No, it's not a family name. We get that question a lot. Although...my dad's dad's name was Henry but I never met him and my dad is kinda upset at us for our choice of name because his dad was never in his life. My grandmother has informed me that she had a brother and a half-brother named Henry. My favorite uncle's middle name is Henry. (My aunt assumed we were naming Henry after him and we just let her believe it, we love them both so much that it made no difference to us.) So in a round about way... I guess it is a family name. But that's not why we choose it.

My newest obsession has been watching Henry move. Before I could feel him and if I had Jeremy's hand in the right place at the right time, he could feel him too. But now...man, every time the little guy moves I can see my whole stomach shift and shake and move. It's just amazing. Mason has been kicked a time or two too...which I find hilarious. I'm so in love with this little guy and I haven't even met him yet. The path to motherhood is such an insane roller coaster ride. I just love it.

There are the down sides. I pretty much hate eating because I feel so bloated for hours afterwards. I can barely get comfortable to sleep. I can be sitting down doing nothing and all of a sudden get winded. There are aches and pains and cramps and swelling. I know it'll be all worth it though and the good completely outweighs the bad.

We're picking up our crib next week and I've already got a changing table set up and Henry's own little dresser. My first baby shower is in two weeks and I'm so excited to start setting up all of his little things. I've already got enough clothes to last him his entire newborn through 6 month life but I assume most people end up with a ton of clothes that they can't imagine using. I try to avoid buying anything although I've picked up a thing or two here and there. My grandmother and I's favorite hobby has turned into window shopping for Henry, haha.

In other news I have two weddings coming up in the next month that I'm photographing, the first being just next weekend. I'm kinda anxious and nervous about them but I'm sure things will turn out great. The Reds started out strong this year and are slowly falling behind but they are the team known for rallying so I'm not losing faith just yet. I started my new job and so far it's been just wonderful. Mason is still spoiled rotten and Stinky is just...Stinky. Life is overall amazing and that whole 'nesting' instinct that mothers-to-be supposedly have has totally kicked my butt. I can't stand to see even a speck of dust in the house which means that I spend just about every free second I have cleaning.

Overall I'm just excited for my little man to get here and at the same time I'm enjoying pregnancy so much that I never really want it to end. It's hard to believe that the time has gone so fast. I know he'll be here before we know it!

For my little one

I love watching you; those little ripples across my skin.

The pokes and the kicks, it's almost as if you're already here.

As my body changes I rejoice in the miracle of your life.

I yearn to hold you and yet, I know I will miss having you so close.

I wonder who you will be and pray that you accomplish your every dream.

I know that I'm just the smallest of stepping stones in your life.

The love your father and I have for you will always be unconditional.

We just hope we can raise you in a happy, Christian home.

Can you hear the songs that I sing, the stories I read?

I just want you to know that I'm here and that I care.

Running my fingers across my skin, I tell you I love you.

Before going for work, Daddy kisses you and tells you he loves you too.

We can't wait to meet you, little Henry.

But until then, we will do our best to show you our love from out here.

It's Like This

Life is what you make it. It's not about what you own or how much money you make but knowing what's important to you and making sure that those things come first in your life.

Jeremy and I have had a lot of conversations about what is important to us lately. On the top of that list is God, our little family together is second. Those are the bigs things, the things that we are unwilling to compromise for. Then there are little things, things like where we live, where we work, what other people think of us in life and how to make every day just work.

We may not have everything we want but we're happy and that's the most important part. We refuse not to make it on our own and I know part of that's a pride thing but I grew up watching people around me abuse 'the system' and taking every hand out they could find and I absolutely refuse to be that way. If we can't figure out a way to make it on our own then we don't deserve to make it at all.

I'm thankful to have a husband who's so thrifty and willing to compromise and sacrifice for the greater good. I'm thankful that God has allowed us to live so comfortably so far in our marriage and on a monthly basis we somehow manage to save as much money as we spend. There's a crazy amount of security in a savings account, as silly as that sounds.

I guess it's hard sometimes to ignore the little voices of the world. Little voices that are sometimes the voices that are close to you but just can't see the same way you do. We're all different and a lot of times I just want to stamp 'GOD APPROVED' on some of the decisions we make that others find foolish. We are a family of prayer and no decisions are made before being presented and approved by our God.

Things aren't always easy. We have our struggles but thank God, we know no struggle is more than we can get through. I am just straight up thankful for our little apartment, our jobs, our vehicles and our life together...even when others keep telling us it's not good enough. I mean, look at it this way; it's our life, not their's and quite frankly it works for us. We pay close to nothing in rent, we have no car payment, no concern every month whether or not our bills are going to get paid. Our jobs allow us to have the freedom we need to do the things that mean the most to us while providing us with what we need income wise.

If that makes us foolish than so be it. I just wish the little voices would sometimes keep their opinions to themselves.

An Answered Prayer

So we've been praying a lot lately, praying that God would find a way for me to leave my job so that I can begin to prepare for little Henry to enter the world. Working 45+ hours a week just isn't going to be possible with a newborn, especially when I have to fight just to get a day off to go to my doctor's appointments. So I started applying elsewhere, not really knowing what I was looking for or knowing what direction God was going to lead us, but I prayed that I'd find something that would give me the freedom I needed to be with my precious son but still bring in enough income for Jeremy and I to live comfortably.

So then Lowes called about three weeks ago. I went in for an interview with them and they pretty much offered me a seasonal cashier job; something that wasn't really going to help our situation much but may be a stepping stone in the right direction. We pondered it and prayed about it and it just seemed wrong so I turned it down. Two days ago however, they called me back. Told me that they had posted a part-time position as a customer service rep and that they would be very interested in hiring me for the position if I wanted to apply for it. So I did, not really knowing the details but keeping faith that this could possibly be a little Godwink.

They called me again tonight to tell me that I had the job, I got the details and it's PERFECT. I'll be working right around 30 hours a week with the possibility of more if I want more. The best part is that it's only 3 days a week, the weekend (which kind of sucks) but at the same time is kind of perfect. I'll have Monday through Thursday off to spend with Henry (I"ll get to be a stay at home momma!!!) and then he'll have to go see his grandparents on Friday and half a day on Saturday but then he'll get to spend the whole day with daddy on Sunday. I couldn't be happier. I'm still really disappointed that I'll have to work Sundays. I was really hoping to get them off. But at the same time, I know that God works in mysterious ways and this is exactly what I was praying for. Perhaps we'll just have to take up all the Wednesday night activities at church instead.

Either way, I am so excited. I am just....well, elated. I can't wait for my little man to get here and spend all those precious moments with him that I have been in fear of missing for months now. Wow, God is good. =)

Scared

I became so very scared for the first time in a very long time today.

Scared of what is happening in the world around us.

Scared of what the future may hold.

Scared that I'm bringing a precious little being into this mess.

Scared that God is angry and hurt.

Scared that time is swiftly running out...