Heavy Hearted

"Becoming a mother makes you the mother of all children. From now on each wounded, abandoned, frightened child is yours. You live in the suffering mothers of every race and creed and weep with them. You long to comfort all who are desolate."

I can't sleep tonight. I have a deep, heavy heart and I can't exactly pinpoint why. I read this quote earlier and I think it's partly the reason. I think of my son and the love I have for him and I can't imagine what other mothers and children who are so much less privileged than I am are going through. I can't imagine not being able to sooth my crying child because it is hungry or in pain. It's hard for me to even think about, it just breaks my heart into pieces.

I think another part of the reason is that I miss my brother. I worry about him. I just want to know that he'll be coming home safely one of these days. But God holds his future in His hands and I just have to trust His will be done. I just need a grain of a mustard seed of faith, He says. Sometimes something so small sure does seem huge.

Guilt is also chipping at me tonight. I am tired. My body aches and I want so badly for someone to notice. I know that's silly, but at times I feel so stretched thin. Working and being a mother, wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, house-keeper, etc, etc... can just wear a person down. It's times like these that I long to have a stable family around me. I wish I had a mother of my own to call on when I was tired or didn't feel good and just needed a break.

As long as God let's me live to see the day, my children will never, ever want for that. I will never choose to abandon my children like mine chose to abandon me. When my son or daughter needs someone there to help, no matter what it is- I will be there.

I am so blessed with those that I am surrounded by now. I have women in my life who serve as wonderful mother figures. But nothing replaces your true mom and although it's taken me a long time not to hate her for what she did, it has made me a better woman and mother because of it.

Milk and Frustration

When I find the time to type out these little blogs, I usually consider that my 'me' time. It's a time to reflect and relax and let my mind wander free for a few minutes.

Usually I try to keep a positive outlook on things, but tonight I feel like crying. I'm frustrated and worn out and ready to give up.

Because Henry would never take to the breast, I've been pumping and feeding him breast milk that way since the day he was born. But the last week or two my milk supply has decreased significantly and most of the time when I pump I don't even have enough milk for one bottle.

It's frustrating and disheartening and although there are much worse things, I just don't want to give up on this for him. I know that my milk is best for him and honestly, it makes me feel like a failure that I can't seem to give that to him fully anymore.

I know that if we have to switch to formula, he'll be just fine. Like I said, I know there's much worse things. I guess I just feel like I've worked really hard to do this for him and my efforts just aren't paying off and no matter how hard I try, I can't change the outcome.

I suppose I should just be grateful that I was able to produce and feed him this way for this long. Thankful that he is as healthy as he is and that we've had no other 'real' problems thus far. I just love my little guy so much that I want the very best for him, no matter what.

Rock the Shot Photo Contest

Rock the Shot is having a photo contest this month. The criteria was to have one or more children and some aspect of fall in the photo. If you get the chance, check out the other entries. They are all so gorgeous!

I entered this one simply because I love it so much. I wanted so bad to have a picture of Henry in a pumpkin this year since he was small enough and I love how he was so curious, looking and touching at the different shaped pumpkins and squash. We really had fun that day and twenty years from now, I'm going to be able to look at this photo and remember that.

As usual I used Lightroom to edit this and really, I just slightly cropped, desaturated a bit and bumped up the exposure.

If you're a photographer and would like to enter, the link is www.rocktheshotforum.com.

Wish me luck!

Three Months Deep

I'm three months deep into being a mommy. I love it. Every minute of it.

I love knowing his cries. I love knowing exactly how to cuddle him when he's tired so he'll go straight to sleep. I love that he knows me over strangers and even prefers me. I love planning for his future and in case you haven't noticed, I love photographing his life.

I'm blessed to be home with him all through the week and although I wish I didn't have to work at all, I know I have it better than the majority of people. I am in constant prayer of thankfulness and praise. Five years ago I never would have imagined that my life would be so full of joy and love. Everyday I have the pleasure of sharing my life and heart with two amazing guys.

Now if we can just add a little girl...

This is Our New Name

'Forgiven, beloved, hidden in Christ, made in the image of the Giver of life, righteous and holy, reborn and remade, accepted and worthy - this is our new name.'

Think of this and be blessed because we are not ONE of these things but ALL of these things.

We are children of a KING, princes and princesses with promises of riches beyond measure.

Rejoice and be glad! The joys of this life are just a snapshot of what is yet to come.

Jesus Freak

I love finding sites that sell based faith apparel. This is one of my favorites: http://www.songear.com

I especially love their long sleeved tee that says 'My love story is purely written by God'. So true! If you are Christian and are looking for faith-based apparel, go check them out. I guarantee you'll find something you love!

From This End

Having a baby can be exhausting. It can be frustrating and tedious and sometimes heart-breaking. But it is also exciting. It is an adventure and most of all, it is rewarding.

If you happen across a stubborn baby like mine, you will find feeding times that take twice as long. (Half hour to eat...half hour to pump.) You will find that blankets and pacifiers find their way into every corner of every room and nap time takes place when it's least convenient.

In the middle of the mess, you will find a happy little boy with one little tooth who is already so spoiled, he won't let his momma out of his sight. You will find coos and laughter that can brighten even the darkest of days and enough love to last a lifetime.

With every day there is something new; new faces and laughter, new joy and excitement. Little milestones are reached and new ones are set. Life takes a brand new meaning and with it, a life-long job of loving, teaching, encouraging and protecting a piece of your heart as it makes a life of it's own.