Wednesday, June 01, 2011


I know I'm being selfish. I'm angry and I'm upset and I know a huge part of that is hormones but I just don't care.

I had a dream about 4 nights ago that my brother was coming home early. I literally woke up crying because it upset me so much, so I woke Jeremy up and told him about it and he just cuddled me close and told me that it was just a dream and not likely to happen. I knew that was probably true and just dismissed the entire thing, went back to sleep and hadn't really thought of it since.

Then today I find out he's coming home a month early. Just like my dream, everyone keeps calling me all excited, wanting to plan a party and etc.. and I just can't help it but I want to tell them just to back off, leave me alone, let me get over my selfishness and then maybe I'll be happy about it too.

At one time in my life my brother was my absolute best friend. He was the person I called when I wanted to vent, the shoulder I cried on, the crazy guy dancing with me in the parking lot to our favorite song, he was to be my 'maid of honor' in our wedding and he was there that day every step of the way from me getting dressed to saying "I do". He's one of the few family members that's made an effort to come up to Troy to see Jeremy and I when he was home. I was there with him through all the best times and the worst times and we always promised not to judge each other, no matter what, but to be there...always.

I know he has very little to no control as to when he gets to come home and such. I know that until he's out of the Army there are going to be many more times when I won't be able to share moments with him that in the past I would have never missed. I know that I'm blessed to know that my husband will be able to be there through it all and that I won't have to go through it alone. I've just been so excited and so happy about the fact that he would be home during the time that Henry was due that this news just devastates me.

He doesn't have to be there for the birth. He doesn't have to be one of the first to see or hold my little boy. But it meant so much to me to know that they'd at least get to meet before he left for Afghanistan. Now unless Henry comes 3 weeks early, that's not likely to happen. I know God has a reason for everything and that this is all part of His plan. Like I've said, I'm just being selfish and while everyone else is celebrating, I just needed to share my pain in this situation without looking like a complete jerk.


  1. I totally understand. The army, well they have their own calendar which never is on time with yours. In fact I can say that Gunner's birth was the first time an army event actually worked in our favor lol. You never know what God has planned, things will work out some way. It just might not be the way you thought.

  2. Thanks Amber. I know that things will work out, I was just so upset when I first found out and no one else seemed to get it.


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