Friday, December 16, 2011
There is a part of my life that I often try to forget. There are years of not-so-pleasant memories that I've tucked away into a place that I try my best not to visit. But then there are days that it becomes completely unavoidable, I am shoved into that back room and forced to stare the ugly situation straight in the face.
Today I was asked to visit my mother. I've been asked to visit my mother before, but I guess it was such a surprise today that it completely shocked me back into the reality that the parts of my life that I have no control over are a complete mess. It's bothered me all day to the point that I'm still awake now thinking about it.
I guess what bugs me the most about it all is that I feel like I have to explain why I've decided to do what I do. I hate that I can't just say no and people will just understand why. I don't hate my mother. I'm not angry at her or upset by her anymore. Sure, there are days that I feel abandoned and saddened by the fact that I don't have a mother to turn to but most days, I'm absolutely fine. It never even crosses my mind.
It's just at this point in my life, I feel like I've worked hard to create a life of stability. I lived for so many years without any stability at all and most of that was not my own fault, but at the fault of my parents, especially my mother.
I vowed that I wouldn't allow that for my own children. I will not put them in situations where I feel sure that they will be hurt. I will not willingly shove them into the instability that I was surrounded by. If that means them having one less grandparent, then so be it. It's better to not know someone than to know and come to love someone just for them to hurt you over and over again.
Eventually putting yourself in that situation makes that hurt your own fault instead of theirs and when it comes to my children, it would be mine.
So there, I've explained myself. No is no. I won't change my mind and I will do my best not to feel guilty when I have to say no. I believe in forgiveness, I believe that people change, but I also believe that the choices you make have consequences. I'm just doing my best to love, protect and give the very best to my children. I mean really, do you blame me?