There is a part of my life that I often try to forget. There are years of not-so-pleasant memories that I've tucked away into a place that I try my best not to visit. But then there are days that it becomes completely unavoidable, I am shoved into that back room and forced to stare the ugly situation straight in the face.
Today I was asked to visit my mother. I've been asked to visit my mother before, but I guess it was such a surprise today that it completely shocked me back into the reality that the parts of my life that I have no control over are a complete mess. It's bothered me all day to the point that I'm still awake now thinking about it.
I guess what bugs me the most about it all is that I feel like I have to explain why I've decided to do what I do. I hate that I can't just say no and people will just understand why. I don't hate my mother. I'm not angry at her or upset by her anymore. Sure, there are days that I feel abandoned and saddened by the fact that I don't have a mother to turn to but most days, I'm absolutely fine. It never even crosses my mind.
It's just at this point in my life, I feel like I've worked hard to create a life of stability. I lived for so many years without any stability at all and most of that was not my own fault, but at the fault of my parents, especially my mother.
I vowed that I wouldn't allow that for my own children. I will not put them in situations where I feel sure that they will be hurt. I will not willingly shove them into the instability that I was surrounded by. If that means them having one less grandparent, then so be it. It's better to not know someone than to know and come to love someone just for them to hurt you over and over again.
Eventually putting yourself in that situation makes that hurt your own fault instead of theirs and when it comes to my children, it would be mine.
So there, I've explained myself. No is no. I won't change my mind and I will do my best not to feel guilty when I have to say no. I believe in forgiveness, I believe that people change, but I also believe that the choices you make have consequences. I'm just doing my best to love, protect and give the very best to my children. I mean really, do you blame me?
Jenn your doing the right thing. As a grandchild of a disconnected and selfish grandparent I feel you! I have no grandparents and I am sad to say that even when one is living.
ReplyDeleteRay my fathers dad has never been apart of my life-thats a lie I mean his never been a good part of my life. I use to the bitter and mad about this and took it out on my father which was unfair. I didn't understand how he could stand by while Ray acted like we werent around. My other grandparents died when I was young and my grandma Feller on my dad's side died when I was going into 5th grade, but I didn't know her well from moving, and being such a big family. So I found myself putting all my hopes and dreams of what I saw in the movies of what Grandparents should be on Ray and was rudely let down.
I grew up without any one to spoil me the way a grandparents love should. I thought everyone grew up that way, till I meet Ethan's Family. He has both sets still alive and still married. IT'S CRAZY! They took me in as on of there own, and I call them my grandparents now.
The darkest day I had with dealing with the envy of Ethan's family was my wedding day. I had told my father I did not want to waste my time on inviting Ray and his wife, but he said I was being rude and hurtful. So I sent them a invite, two weeks before Ray's wife rsvp she couldnt' come on the fact should would be sick. (Yes two weeks ahead lol) this didn't shock me so no big deal. But the day off my wedding I was still under the impresstion Ray would be there. So after the ceremony when the photogarpher asked for Ethan's grandparents to come take picture I was excited to say wait "My grandfather is here, can I get a picture with him". I stood and waited for Ray to step up, I looked around and saw my dads face turn white as he turned away from me.
I walked off to ask what happend. in my mind it was something very bad was wrong. But to find out Ray called that morning and said he wasn't coming.
When one of my aunts told my dad, he chose not to tell me in fear I would be upset and ruin my wedding day. He told my mom and brother also not to tell me. I can't explain the feeling I had when I found out, it wasn't hurt or angry but mostly petty for the shame my own father must have felt having to tell his little girl her only living grandparent didn't care to come to her wedding. I no longer give my dad grif for the actions in the past and furture of Ray, but I have made it clear that when he passes I will not attend his funeral, I will not shead a tear and will not be sad. Ray is not my grandfather, he is an old man in my father's life that I sometime have to deal with.
It's a sad thought and sometimes I feel like crying but most days I feel content with everything. So know your in the right in my mind and Henry is lucky to have you protect him from the hurt some people can bring. I know in my heart my dad mint no harm and was hopeing for the best, it just didn't work out that way and I have no hard feelings to him.
Sorry that was sooo long :)
Jenn - if it matters any, I agree with your decision. I know what you've been through and I can say with 100% certainity, that you are making the right decision.
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