Sunday, August 19, 2012

The Way Things Are

The Way Things Are:

I am hurt. Like really hurt. I feel betrayed and replaced and my security in what I thought we had has been completely deflated.

I guess mostly I keep reminding myself that my life is anything but normal. I'm always Jeremy's wife, Henry's mother, Veda's granddaughter, Steve's daughter, the kids' sister. I really just want to be ME for once.

I guess you were the biggest part of me that I'd found in a really long time.

I just wonder if I'll ever have an ounce of long-time security, if I'll ever look around and think 'this feels safe' because every time I do I'm reminded otherwise.

Really I just want to be important to someone other than myself.

Why It's Okay:

It's okay. It's okay because everything is survivable - everything but that very last thing. And I'm fairly certain that this isn't going to kill me, not this time anyway. It's okay because I can still reason with myself. I can still remind myself that yesterday was wonderful and that tomorrow could be the same, even if today has hurt so very much. It's okay because I've been hurt worse - way worse.

It's okay because I did find you and if I found you then there must be others out there, others who will fit me -because they love me and not because they have to accept the role I play in the person they love's life. It's okay because I will always have Jeremy and Henry to fall into and even if occasionally they fail to catch me - bruises do tend to heal.

It's okay because I hate normalcy and I have to learn to accept that 'not being normal' can be both a good and bad thing sometimes. I just have to find the unbalance where good outweighs bad.

It's okay because it mattered and if it mattered, if it hurt, then I'm risking enough of myself to say that I never faked it, I never just said the words and didn't mean them. I loved and I lived. What more can we ask of life?


You don't know just how lovely you are...thank you.