Goodbye My Precious Baby

Henry is sitting in his highchair, cottage cheese all over his face, in his hair and down the front of him, gibber-jabbering away about something that I can't understand and the only thing I really want to do is pick him up and kiss all over that messy face. This kid amazes me, and I love him beyond the measure of 'love' alone. This morning he brought me 'Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?' and 'The Very Busy Spider' and we sat and flipped through the pages as he pointed at all the animals and said 'look' and waited patiently for me to tell him what each animal was. I love quiet times like this, when he wants to be close to me and hear my voice, it makes all the hard times worth it.

There has been more than one time lately that I've longed for my toddler to return to being his baby self, when he was completely dependent on me and preferred me over any other person in this world. When he gives his Daddy kisses, and cuddles him on the couch or follows him to the door in the morning before he leaves for work and says 'love you', it melts my heart, but it also hurts a little too. He doesn't do those things with me, and I know it's because I'm with him...all the time...and Daddy is more of a treat right now. Still, I wish he wanted me more now that he can choose who he wants to cuddle with and kiss on all the time. I'll just keep loving him with my whole heart and count on that love being returned with cuddles and kisses when he gets a little older, because I know it will. When he falls down or bumps his head and comes running to me, I know that that action alone is a testament of his love and trust in me, and I cling to that at times in order to hold back the tears. I think I've just been overly emotional lately because he is getting so big and growing so fast and learning so much and it's hard to accept sometimes that you no longer have a baby in your arms and that the time that you took for granted while they were so little is now completely gone, never to be returned.

As we are taking big steps to finish his room (someone is coming out to measure for carpet today and the painting is finally (Thank God!) finished), I think it's a cruel reminder that one day he will want to spend most of his time up there without me. He will sleep in his bed all night without ending up in ours and he will spend hours reading books in his nook or listening to music on his bed and I'll only see him at dinner time. He'll be a moody teenager who wants his space and a 'big boy' who wants to do everything on his own and I'll be left as his mother, still clinging to the baby that I've already lost. Today I am sad because that baby is gone, but I know that I am blessed because of the beautiful boy that is growing, healthy and perfect, in front of me day to day.

Your mommy loves you Henry, be easy on me okay? I just love you so much that it hurts.