The Fight

I'm sure as fellow mothers that you all understand completely the why when I say that it's 10 p.m., I'm exhausted and yet I'm up and writing this blog because a) the husband is not currently home and b) Little Bit is fast asleep.

These moments do not come often enough.

I'm struggling with finding time for myself lately, and then when I have this time, I really have no idea what to do with it. It's a true fight to hold on to being yourself when you are stretched in so many different directions all of the time.

I was telling Jeremy over lunch on Friday that I really have a hard time being happy sometimes, simply because I'm not sure I know what makes me happy anymore.

I mean, there are the obvious things like Jeremy himself and Henry, of course. But if you took away the things that are obvious, I'm not sure there's really much left.

I feel like I have this serious issue in turning everything I love into work.

I picked up a camera several years ago, fell in love with photography, starting learning the art, and then turned it into a business.

I taught myself how to crochet, enjoyed shopping and looking for these wonderful yarns, and started selling them as well. I have yet to make one thing for myself.

I started this blog and enjoyed writing, without worry about who read it, how many followers I may have or how many people 'enjoyed' what I wrote, and then those numbers started catching my attention and all of a sudden, it felt a whole lot more like work than enjoyment.

I do things simply because I feel like it's what is expected of me. Not necessarily because I want to, or feel like I need to, but simply because I feel like someone else expects me to. It's like I constantly worry and stress that if I'm enjoying what I'm doing, then I'm letting someone down elsewhere.

If I take a nap with Henry in the afternoon, I feel guilty because my husband is at work.
If I spend 20 minutes editing a photo just a certain way because I enjoy the end result, I feel like it's wasting time unless I can sell it.
If I want to go catch a coffee alone, I feel guilty because Henry is a) with a babysitter or b) with Jeremy, and then I feel double guilty because I'm spending time by myself instead of with the two of them.

If I do anything for ME and ME alone, I feel so self-centered, guilty and just down right agonized because my time is valuable and I think it should be put to use in the best ways possible. Which obviously is either with or for my family.

It's stupid, silly and ridiculous, I know... but it's truth.

So, I'm going to try to change that. I'm going to step away from photography on a business front for awhile, even after all the work I've put into it lately. It's time to get back to enjoying my camera the way that I used to. I'm going to sit down and crochet something completely for myself, something that is JUST for me. I'm going to get back to my 5 day-a-week exercising, even if it's just walking. That few minutes of being alone with just my music and my thoughts is really helpful sometimes. I'm going to read more, I always enjoyed reading. And I'm going to continue my little break from the blog world, I need to keep my distance enough to feel as if I'm writing only for myself.

I'm sure you all understand. I wouldn't mind your advice either. How have you managed to hold on to yourself and not feel guilty or pulled in too many directions?