Friday, January 10, 2014

Five Minute Friday - See

I haven't seen any of them in so long that it almost feels like I'm a complete outcast just peeking in to a secret family life. I know that I'm still a 'part' of this family, kind of, at least by blood, but then on the other hand I know that I am absolutely no part of it at all.

See, I have made this choice for myself to step away and it's not for any other reason than the fact that I don't want to get hurt. And I don't want Henry hurt, especially.

Still, it hurts to see photos of them all together and yet, I am missing, and it's like they don't notice at all.

It's hard but I think it's worth it, and this is my hope.

My grandmother tells me that her prayer is that we will all be able to be a part of one another's lives again, that I will have the opportunity to pick up the phone one day and call any of them just to say hi, or ask for advice, or share something going on in my life.

The hardest part about my life, as a woman, as a wife, as a mother, may just be the feeling that no one sees me. I sometimes feel like a ghost in this world: completely and utterly alone, screaming never to be heard.

There is literally only one person, outside of my husband, that I can turn to at any time. And I know sometimes my husband feels tired and strained with the weight of having to carry his wife through everything all of the time.

I have great in-laws, but five years into our marriage and they're just now starting to feel like my family and not just a family that I was brought in to. Not that they weren't always welcoming, but these things take time.

I wish I could say that things will change, but I am not good at this. I am not good at making friends. I am not good at opening up. I am not good at going with someone with my problems because I have been taught my entire life to keep them in. Mostly, I'm not good at putting myself out there...again. I don't want to be hurt. I've been hurt so much and it just doesn't seem fair.

I wish someone could see into my soul and know exactly how it feels, but they can't, and so until then I will only pray that one day it may all change, and keep moving forward the only way that I know how: with my head up and my hopes high.

Five Minute Friday

Now head on over to Lisa-Jo's and link up yourself!

1 comment:

  1. Visiting from FMF...I can relate to those feelings of loneliness. Early in my marriage, when my oldest were babies and toddlers, I went through a very similar period. But Jesus is near...and He is the One who fills a lonely heart better than anything else. He will use this season to grow you in ways that you will be oddly thankful for in the future :) Blessings to you!


You don't know just how lovely you are...thank you.