An Answered Prayer

So we've been praying a lot lately, praying that God would find a way for me to leave my job so that I can begin to prepare for little Henry to enter the world. Working 45+ hours a week just isn't going to be possible with a newborn, especially when I have to fight just to get a day off to go to my doctor's appointments. So I started applying elsewhere, not really knowing what I was looking for or knowing what direction God was going to lead us, but I prayed that I'd find something that would give me the freedom I needed to be with my precious son but still bring in enough income for Jeremy and I to live comfortably.

So then Lowes called about three weeks ago. I went in for an interview with them and they pretty much offered me a seasonal cashier job; something that wasn't really going to help our situation much but may be a stepping stone in the right direction. We pondered it and prayed about it and it just seemed wrong so I turned it down. Two days ago however, they called me back. Told me that they had posted a part-time position as a customer service rep and that they would be very interested in hiring me for the position if I wanted to apply for it. So I did, not really knowing the details but keeping faith that this could possibly be a little Godwink.

They called me again tonight to tell me that I had the job, I got the details and it's PERFECT. I'll be working right around 30 hours a week with the possibility of more if I want more. The best part is that it's only 3 days a week, the weekend (which kind of sucks) but at the same time is kind of perfect. I'll have Monday through Thursday off to spend with Henry (I"ll get to be a stay at home momma!!!) and then he'll have to go see his grandparents on Friday and half a day on Saturday but then he'll get to spend the whole day with daddy on Sunday. I couldn't be happier. I'm still really disappointed that I'll have to work Sundays. I was really hoping to get them off. But at the same time, I know that God works in mysterious ways and this is exactly what I was praying for. Perhaps we'll just have to take up all the Wednesday night activities at church instead.

Either way, I am so excited. I am just....well, elated. I can't wait for my little man to get here and spend all those precious moments with him that I have been in fear of missing for months now. Wow, God is good. =)

Scared

I became so very scared for the first time in a very long time today.

Scared of what is happening in the world around us.

Scared of what the future may hold.

Scared that I'm bringing a precious little being into this mess.

Scared that God is angry and hurt.

Scared that time is swiftly running out...

The Great Gatsby

I saw on my yahoo news ticker this morning that the mansion that is believed to have inspired 'The Great Gatsby' is going to be torn down. The Great Gatsby is one of my all-time favorite books, I could read it over and over again. I wrote this poem a couple of years ago based around the same concepts as the book. Occasionally I'll remember something and want to share it again, not so much because I want others to read it but because I want to read it myself and have it present again in my life, just a click away... is that silly?

A 'Great Gatsby' Kind Of Love.

We had a 'Great Gatsby' kind of love:

him on the side and me in the middle.

Loved but not.

The twinkle in her eye would kill me

her melodocious laugh haunt me.

This place was built for her.

Generations of old money turned to dust,

all for her.

Anything she wanted, all she could ask for

handed to her on my own silver platter.

Along with my heart.

Rolling hills, cobble paths, ponds, trees;

her dreams.

I would have given my life for her

but in the end, I suppose I did.

So much for nothing; a ransom without a note.

Her prize possession left behind double doors.

I could stand it no more.

The shine was still there, the cold, slick touch.

Not a scratch to be found.

This was her baby.

If I could, I would destroy it myself.

Light a match, watch it burn:

out of my existance, forever gone.

But I can not, will not;

her love still flows within my blood.

The feel of the purple leather againt my skin

sends shivers up my spine.

Memories flood the banks of my mind:

her and him, her and I.

Rumbling to life silently,

the tears fill my eyes.

To bury her was the easy part.

It was coming home to this car.

It was coming home to an empty home.

It was seeing him standing alone, his heart torn.

It was the memories impossible to leave behind,

heart-wrenching memories.

They were the bullets that penetrated my soul.

Parking at her favorite spot,

atop this bridge, that was built for her:

her name engraved within the stone;

I am not strong.

I am not a man.

I am lost within the caverns of a broken existance.

This is where her baby belongs:

at the bottom of a shallow grave.

Left for the earth and water to slowly eat at her;

just like my soul-mate, my love.

I watch as it rolls into the silent depths,

the sound of the splash unheard over my roaring mind.

Here is where it belongs.

The fog is rising around me,

the night falling quickly.

Turning, I begin my trudge towards a home:

a home that is no longer my own.

My suit is warmer than what I ever remember it being:

her favorite suit: all black with no tie.

My face is hot with tears,

spilled for her, for her baby and mostly, for me.

I wonder where he is,

if he feels the way I do.

Like an animal after it's prey,

we were victims of her game.

The fault all her own.

Like a story ended in tragedy,

tears were shed as the cover fell closed.

She pulled us into a 'Great Gatsby' kind of love.

Only to leave two men broken,

alone.

I can't help but think that I loved her first,

and that fact, makes her mine.

But the true question exists in the back of my mind;

was it him or me that she dreamed of at night?

A week of firsts

What a week it's been already.

I'm just ranting really. I've had about 4 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours so you'll have to excuse me if I'm not all there.

I went to the emergency room for the first time ever for myself.

I had my first real medical scare...

My first IV.

My first cat-scan.

I have pneumonia apparently but I have to say it's better than the first diagnosis which was a number of blood clots in my lungs. Talk about scaring me to death. Now I'm just praying that the cat-scan wasn't harmful to my precious baby in anyway. I'm pretty exhausted but I'm in so much pain that it's completely unbearable to lay down and I'm not very good at sleeping sitting up. With the combination of about five different medications the pain seems to be slowly relieving though, so hopefully things will be easier tomorrow.

My brother left from his leave home to Texas the same day I was rushed to the ER so I didn't get to say goodbye. Today I found out that he received a ship date and will be going to Afghanistan in October but he promises he's going to do his best to take his next leave in August so he can meet his new niece or nephew upon their arrival. I sure hope he'll be able to.

A Baby Story: Month Four :: Quite honestly, my dear, I'm terrified.

We've done a lot of talking lately, contemplating the future and what it holds for us and our little baby tucked safely in my tummy. I've spoken the word terrified more than once, more than a few times actually. It leaves my lips every time I start to think about it.

I'm so, so happy. I've been accused of being one of those women who's attitude changes so drastically at the mention of my belly or my baby that it's like a drug for me. I can't help but light up and want to talk and talk about it. I'm just excited. I can't wait for my precious one to be here.

But yes, I am terrified. We have five months to figure so much out and it honestly seems very close to impossible.

Right now I'm carrying our insurance, which is fine. I have no intentions of not working through-out the rest of my pregnancy. But after birth, when I can hold him/her in my arms, I don't plan on going back. I won't have someone else raising my children. I'm hoping to pick-up another babysitting job like I had before where I could work and still be there for my child but we will see. The money isn't the most important part, it's the idea of going without insurance that's terrifying. Especially with a newborn in the house. This means Jeremy may have to leave the job that he worked so hard for, that we prayed so hard for that, that he loves so much so that insurance is more available. That breaks my heart. It just wrings me with guilt even if it may be necessary.

That's the most terrifying part right now I guess, or at least the most stressful. The worry about what's to come and the unknown. Although I will admit, the idea of being a mother, of going into a delivery room as just Jeremy and I and then leaving with another human being who is so dependent on us, is one of the most terrifying things I can imagine doing. I kind of want to look someone square in the eye and ask them, seriously, how in the world do you think I'm ready for this?? I'm sure I'm not the first mother-to-be that has felt this way. I'm sure I will be a great mommy. It's the idea behind the fact that I'm going to have this precious little baby and it's life is literally in my hands. Whoa. It almost takes my breath away.

I try to put the fears aside on most days and know that God is in control. Clearly He felt that we were ready to be parents and He knows our situation and He won't let us go without the things we need, I know. The only thing I can do now is pray and push through each day, cherishing my growing tummy and the excitement and newness of life to come.

Seven Times Seventy Times

So there's this new song out by Chris August and I'd heard bits and pieces of it but hadn't really heard it all or really listened to it until today. I was driving home from the grocery and it came on and I cranked up the radio and listened to the words. I do this a lot, I find that God speaks through His music but just like reading your Bible or listening to a sermon, you have to really listen to hear Him. So I listened and He spoke and before I knew it I was bawling my eyes out. (I do this a lot too, I'm a crier)

This song was my life, growing up and doing it too quickly. There were fights, neglect, abuse, alcohol, drugs, violence. You name it, I saw it and felt it and lived it. But life is not about the situations that you're in but how you take those situations and learn and grow from them. I've been close with others who went through the same things as I did growing up and I have to say, there's a line drawn and some stand on one side and some stand on the other. Those who grew from what they experienced stand on one side, some, like me, have relationships with those who at one time hurt them the most. They've learned to forgive and they've learned how to love. Then there are the others who remain angry and hurt and stuck. They are stuck in what happened to them and the thought of forgiving is an insane thought. They stand pointing fingers, blaming everything in their lives on someone else.

Sure, I still hurt at times. But I never look at those that hurt me in hatred, I don't point fingers and I don't blame them for every issue or problem that arises in my life. I know I couldn't have done that by myself, God is so amazing, so loving, He takes every bit of anger and turns it into forgiveness, understanding and compassion. I owe my life to Him. Without Him, I could be the one standing there, full of anger and hurt and just plain stuck.

::7x70::

I've been living in this house here

Since the day that I was born

These walls have seen me happy

But most of all they've seen me torn

They have heard the screaming matches

That made a family fall apart

They've had a front row seat for the breaking of my heart

Seven times seventy times

I'll do what it takes to make it right

I thought the pain was here to stay

But forgiveness made a way

Seven times seventy times

There's healing in the air tonight

I'm reaching up to pull it down

Gonna wrap it all around

I remember running down the hallway playing hide and seek

I didn't know that I was searching for someone to notice me

I felt alone and undiscovered

And old enough to understand

Just when I'm supposed to be learning to love

You let me down again

Seven times seventy times

I'll do what it takes to make it right

I thought the pain was here to stay

But forgiveness made a way

Seven times seventy times

There's healing in the air tonight

I'm reaching up to pull it down

Gonna wrap it all around

I lost count of the ways you let me down

But no matter how many times you weren't around

I'm alright now…cause God picked up my heart and helped me through

And shined light on the one thing left to do

And that's forgive you, I forgive you

Seven times seventy times

I'll do what it takes to make it right

I thought the pain was here to stay

But forgiveness made a way

Seven times seventy times

There's healing in the air tonight

I'm reaching up to pull it down

Gonna wrap it all around

I've been living in this house here since the day that I was born

The Battle of Selves

I'm stuck tonight, between selves. And although I can feel one (the good one, the one I should be) tugging stronger than the other, my defiant self is fighting right back with full force. I'm going to blame the hormones because it's the easy way out and besides, I don't really need an excuse. No one would haven even known if I didn't tell them.

I was called into work today. I know that statement isn't profound or meaningful in anyway but it infuriated me. I had things planned and I had to cancel them. I hate canceling plans when the canceling isn't done by my own reasoning. One self wanted to yell, cry, be angry and frustrated at the situation. Another self knew that this is part of life and that the easiest thing to do was be a big girl about it and suck it up. That self won. I went to work, I got over it. I'm home now.

Jeremy booked our cruise today, he also bought tickets for a concert coming up in a couple of weeks. My concert. A Brandon Heath concert. Sure, other people go, other people love his music. But when I'm there, it's just me, my husband and his music. The world stops for awhile and I love it. Now if I could just convince BH of the same. Maybe I'd be named a special guest and have to stop paying for all these tickets. Wishful thinking, I know. Now for the battle, selves are yelling and arguing and there hasn't been a winner named yet.

We're having a baby. We're going on a cruise. We're spending money. One self shoots an arrow that reminds me that's what it's there for. Another self sends one over that reminds me of all we need to buy, all the changes that will be made, how that extra money may be crucial in the future. The exchanges go back and forth and I'm reminded that Jeremy and I talked this over, we have a plan, we know what we're doing. An angry arrow pierces flesh and I wince, thinking that perhaps we're acting like silly kids instead of mature grown-ups.

Then there's that. The grown-up part. Neither self really feels grown-up, more or less they just act like it. It's like a game, make-believe. We're all playing house, pretending with our best imaginations that it's real. I kinda hope I never wake up and realize that it is.

Oh but a final battle is raging tonight. It's the big finale, the war of wars. Oh yes, it's all about the husband. Where is he? Oh...I know, one self says...he's out, buying another car. Hey, hey, hey the other self adds, you know why he's doing that and this car, well, it will probably completely pay for that vacation! The first self chuckles, notes that it's 8:30, that a stomach is grumbling and with hands on hips waits for an explosion.

Oh calming self, please be with me. He means good and I do love him...