There are very few things in life that I keep to myself. I have no issue (for the most part) sharing my life with others. I like to be an open book with very little surprises, not only do I believe being open and truthful helps others along their journey, but I feel as if it makes my life easier too. I mean, who wants to carry all of life's burdens on their own, or constantly put effort forth to hide the details of their lives?
There is one thing, however, that terrifies me to share with others.
I touched on this subject a bit in a recent post, Confession of a Fatty, but it's really reared up it's ugly head in my life in the last couple of weeks.
Beginning to run again was one of my goals for this month and although I was sick as a dog the first week of March, I have rocked this goal the past few days. I've clocked at least a mile a day for the past four days, and while the majority of that was walking, I am slowly incorporating more running into my routine.
When it comes to running, the worst part isn't the burning in my legs, or the shortness of breath, or my inability to run very fast or very far, but the eyes of others. While getting out and training has been an extremely rewarding feeling for me, I make sure that while I'm doing it, I am out of sight. I walk out of town to the cemetery to run, or go to a park in town that is surrounded by trees and tall grass to make sure that no one sees me.
I don't know why this is so hard for me, but I feel like the more I talk about it the better I feel. If I could run 3 miles without stopping (or even a mile, let's be honest) or lose enough weight to where it looks like I should be running, I think I would be okay. But there is something about that silent voice in the back of my head saying 'people are going to talk about you doing this' that absolutely paralyzes me in fear.
I just can't get the idea out of my head that people are going to almost point and laugh and say 'Look at that fat girl running down the street. What in the world is she doing?'
Is that silly? Am I being too hard on myself?
Probably. But I'm not sure how to get over it. Perhaps giving it a little more time, and allowing to prove to myself that I can do this will give me the confidence I need to face this fear head on. I don't know.
I know I'm not giving up and if I have to run out of sight for weeks on end in order to build up the confidence to do it in the public's eye, then I will.