March Mid-Month Update

Hooray for progress, right?

This month has had a lot of ups and downs for me. The first week I was just as sick as could be and I still haven't completely gotten rid of the upper respiratory issues I was having but I've tried not to let it hold me back.

I finally got out and started running. I won't lie and say that I'm running an entire mile. I incorporate a lot of walking into the days that I get out and go, but every day I add a little more and a little more. Eventually I will get there - I just know it. I've found that the only time I can get out by myself is before Henry is up in the morning and Jeremy leaves for work. I hate getting up early, but it's worth it.

My first solo-run clocked in at at 15:34/mi pace so when I got out this morning and ran and saw that my time was 11:54/mi when I got home, I was thrilled. Like I said, about half of that was walking. Most days I take Henry with me and I pull him in the wagon behind me as I walk and run. Once we get to an area in which I don't feel like I need to be right next to him the entire time, I'll branch out and run a bit ahead and then back. Henry likes to run with me too as long as I hold his hand. He usually insists on pulling his wagon home himself so I consider that my 'cool-down' time. We usually clock a mile in 18-22 minutes, depending on how cooperative he is being and such. It's definitely not a great time but it is what it is and a mile is still a mile.

Hopefully this progress will continue into the rest of the month. I have a lot of big and small goals floating around in my head right now, and I had set a goal of 40 pounds for my challenge at work (which was huge, I know) and I only have about 6 weeks to lose another 12 pounds. Two pounds a week is doable at this point, but I've gotten to a point where 1 pound a week is very comfortable for me and anything more tends to be pushing myself too hard. So...we will see.
Thank you all for your continual encouragement and support!

A Truth about Fear

There are very few things in life that I keep to myself. I have no issue (for the most part) sharing my life with others. I like to be an open book with very little surprises, not only do I believe being open and truthful helps others along their journey, but I feel as if it makes my life easier too. I mean, who wants to carry all of life's burdens on their own, or constantly put effort forth to hide the details of their lives? 
There is one thing, however, that terrifies me to share with others.
I touched on this subject a bit in a recent post, Confession of a Fatty, but it's really reared up it's ugly head in my life in the last couple of weeks.
Beginning to run again was one of my goals for this month and although I was sick as a dog the first week of March, I have rocked this goal the past few days. I've clocked at least a mile a day for the past four days, and while the majority of that was walking, I am slowly incorporating more running into my routine.
When it comes to running, the worst part isn't the burning in my legs, or the shortness of breath, or my inability to run very fast or very far, but the eyes of others. While getting out and training has been an extremely rewarding feeling for me, I make sure that while I'm doing it, I am out of sight. I walk out of town to the cemetery to run, or go to a park in town that is surrounded by trees and tall grass to make sure that no one sees me.
I don't know why this is so hard for me, but I feel like the more I talk about it the better I feel. If I could run 3 miles without stopping (or even a mile, let's be honest) or lose enough weight to where it looks like I should be running, I think I would be okay. But there is something about that silent voice in the back of my head saying 'people are going to talk about you doing this' that absolutely paralyzes me in fear.
I just can't get the idea out of my head that people are going to almost point and laugh and say 'Look at that fat girl running down the street. What in the world is she doing?'
Is that silly? Am I being too hard on myself?
Probably. But I'm not sure how to get over it. Perhaps giving it a little more time, and allowing to prove to myself that I can do this will give me the confidence I need to face this fear head on. I don't know.
I know I'm not giving up and if I have to run out of sight for weeks on end in order to build up the confidence to do it in the public's eye, then I will.
I just wish it wasn't this hard.

Sex, babies & the in-betweens.

This post is probably going to be a little out of character and blunt on my part, but I swear there's a tornado running through my mind and I need to calm it a bit in order to focus on ANYTHING right now. You know the saying 'when it rains, it pours'? I truly believe that that's true. I think it's a true testament to the verses in Ecclesiastes that tells us there's a time for everything in life.

I mentioned earlier today in a post that Jeremy and I are trying really, really hard to get pregnant again. We tried the 'we just won't try, but we won't NOT try either' route and it didn't happen. Then we tried 'timing' things just perfectly and it didn't happen. Now we're straight 'doing it' every other day - and we're hoping it'll happen. (Let me just say, having a kid can do something to your libido. We used to 'do it' every single day, sometimes two or three times a day, when we first got married and there are nights now, even though we're trying, that I really wonder how in the world we kept that up.) I would be beyond the moon ecstatic if it happened THIS month even. I don't want to spend my entire vacation toting around tampons and I think it would be sweet to have a winter month baby since we have a summer month baby.

I know that it's not in my control, and I'm thankful that we have such a wonderful, perfect son now. If we never have another, I'd be blessed beyond measure.

We are getting ready to head to the home improvement store to possibly buy our siding. I say possibly because we're nervous willies (as usual) about the whole thing and it's impossible (as usual) for me to make up my mind on the color. We are so extremely blessed to have a friend that is a contractor who came out and measured, gave us a list of the supplies we would need, and is even going to help us put it up. He does siding for a living, so there's no possible way that we can mess this up. It's the hugest breath of fresh air and I've actually sat in wonder lately at how much God can bless us at times. A huge weight has been lifted from our shoulders, not only with the siding part, but knowing that a professional has told us that our house is in great shape and sound.

Henry is teething and he's a nightmare to deal with some days. He doesn't want to eat, he doesn't want to play independently, and I am one exhausted Mama when I have to tote around my 20 month old while trying to get things done. By the time Jeremy gets home in the evening, I am ready to just break emotionally sometimes. I think a big part of this is the stress from other things in our life right now too, but I would love if you would whisper a prayer for me and my patience.

I've come to the conclusion that I have way too many hobbies. This fact alone is overwhelming me because I love them all. You can't get better at something if you don't practice it often, but you also can't practice everything at once. I have two weddings to photography coming up very, very soon and I'm a nervous wreck because quite frankly, me and my camera are not friends right now. I'd rather sew, crochet or create than take photos lately. I've found myself more content being involved and having a semi-crappy cell-phone pic than I was when I was snapping photos of everything happening around me, standing on the outside and not really being involved. I have more regrets of 'missing' the moment with involvement rather than 'missing' a great photo of the moment.

Baseball season started today and I'm so glad. I love me some Reds, and it gives us something to watch pretty much every day. I'm so over tv and tv shows and Jeremy and I have done very little tv-watching lately.  We feel as if society gets WAY too wrapped up in television and we've been guilty of it ourselves at times. We used to rush home from dinner with friends in order to watch 'Deadliest Catch' even though the DVR was recording it. There's something seriously wrong if you'd give up good time with good friends just to watch a tv show. We realized that fairly quickly and nipped it in the butt. TV shouldn't be a focus of our lives, ever.

I feel like I can start running again pretty soon. I'm still not sure that I didn't break my ankle versus spraining it, considering there is a huge bump on one side of my ankle that is just not going away, but whatever I did, it seems to be healing fairly well. I tried a small 'mini' run from the grocery store door to the car with Henry today and it didn't really hurt to have that added pressure on it. I'll have to just take it slow and see how it goes. I feel like getting back out every night and exercising again would really help with stress. Even thought I only got to do it for a few nights, I miss it.

You didn't realize you were going to have to read an entire book when you opened this blog post, huh? Like I said - lots on my mind! If you made it this far, bless your wonderful heart. You must be one special friend!