A Truth about Fear

There are very few things in life that I keep to myself. I have no issue (for the most part) sharing my life with others. I like to be an open book with very little surprises, not only do I believe being open and truthful helps others along their journey, but I feel as if it makes my life easier too. I mean, who wants to carry all of life's burdens on their own, or constantly put effort forth to hide the details of their lives? 
There is one thing, however, that terrifies me to share with others.
I touched on this subject a bit in a recent post, Confession of a Fatty, but it's really reared up it's ugly head in my life in the last couple of weeks.
Beginning to run again was one of my goals for this month and although I was sick as a dog the first week of March, I have rocked this goal the past few days. I've clocked at least a mile a day for the past four days, and while the majority of that was walking, I am slowly incorporating more running into my routine.
When it comes to running, the worst part isn't the burning in my legs, or the shortness of breath, or my inability to run very fast or very far, but the eyes of others. While getting out and training has been an extremely rewarding feeling for me, I make sure that while I'm doing it, I am out of sight. I walk out of town to the cemetery to run, or go to a park in town that is surrounded by trees and tall grass to make sure that no one sees me.
I don't know why this is so hard for me, but I feel like the more I talk about it the better I feel. If I could run 3 miles without stopping (or even a mile, let's be honest) or lose enough weight to where it looks like I should be running, I think I would be okay. But there is something about that silent voice in the back of my head saying 'people are going to talk about you doing this' that absolutely paralyzes me in fear.
I just can't get the idea out of my head that people are going to almost point and laugh and say 'Look at that fat girl running down the street. What in the world is she doing?'
Is that silly? Am I being too hard on myself?
Probably. But I'm not sure how to get over it. Perhaps giving it a little more time, and allowing to prove to myself that I can do this will give me the confidence I need to face this fear head on. I don't know.
I know I'm not giving up and if I have to run out of sight for weeks on end in order to build up the confidence to do it in the public's eye, then I will.
I just wish it wasn't this hard.

Confession of a Fatty

The fact that I am overweight is not a new-found fact around these parts. The fact that I have been working my butt off (literally) to change it is nothing new either. But I have a confession to make, and it's not easy for me to say:
I don't care if people know that I'm fat, but I hate when people know that I'm trying to change it.
I don't know what it is, but others around me knowing that I'm at home, eating right and working out, makes me almost sick to my stomach.
Recently I took position as a team captain for a weigh-smart challenge at work. It goes from January 27th to April 27th and essentially the goal is to achieve your 'ideal' weight in that time. Obviously, someone like me will never be able to achieve a goal that big in only 3 months, but I am determined to be a face of change and do my absolute best in that time.
My hope is to inspire others.
But my biggest fear, the thing I despise, is that I don't want them to look at me and say 'she doesn't look any different' or 'she'll never do it'.
It scares me to put myself out there like that. It shakes my confidence. It makes me feel like all eyes are on me, all of the time, watching my every move, my every meal, my every 'bad' or even 'good' day.
Have you ever had to put yourself out there like this? Letting people into something that is already tough for you, and somewhat private? What helped you to boost your confidence and stand as a face of courage instead of fear?
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Now go link up with The Girl Between the Lines link-up. It's a free week, so write about anything you would like!

Fear

Why are we so afraid of the truth? Why are we afraid to admit our faults so that we can find refuge in the knowing that we're not the only ones who fail?

I know that I am the most guilty in never wanting to be wrong. I will hide behind every wall that I can find before I'll step out and say 'it's me, I did it. I'm right here!'. Why is that? Honesty is the best policy after all and when I do get the courage from time to time to admit my fault to someone, they usually assure me that I'm not the only one and I walk away actually feeling better than I did before. So why do I yet remain so afraid?

I know that at times, I am terrified of judgmental eyes - because they are everywhere. They judge everything we do, everything we say, the way we dress, the way we walk, the cars we drive, the jobs we have and yet, we are so quick to judge and although there are many of us out there that pretend not to care, we do. We care more than what we should. The thing is, why should I care? I know how I will be judged in the end. I know that I have a heavenly Father who has assured me that I need not be concerned with these judgments in this lifetime, but instead cling to Him - doing what I know is right by His commandments. And I sure do try - not hard enough most of the time, but again, I'm afraid to admit that most of the time too.

Perhaps this is one of the strongest holds that Satan has on our lives, on my life. Does Psalms not tell us to seek the Lord and He will hear us and deliver us from our fears? Is this where I lack the most? Simply seeking God's guidance and comfort and love. Maybe the only thing keeping me behind a wall is my own lack of trust in the One that I've sworn to give all trust to.

So again I ask, why are we so afraid of the truth? Is it because we're less afraid of judgmental eyes, or more afraid of where we fall short in our own daily lives? Would we be less afraid if we learned to cling to God in our mistakes, confess and hand them over to Him? Would forgiveness find us more often if we were quicker to step from behind those walls and admit where we've fallen short, not only to those that we've wronged, but to ourselves as well? I think so. I think that God has given us instruction to do just that, and we have no excuse to let fear - of any sort - rule our lives. We know the One who controls all and if we're truly trusting in Him, there will be no more room for fear in our lives.

'I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. Psalms 34:4