Whispers In The Dark

She told me on a Monday...something that I should not share here. She told me what it was that will eventually take her from me, why she is choosing not to persue any medical attention and the reason why I will ultimately have to face the challenge of life without her in it.

I am not ready for this. I am not strong enough to deal with losing her. I just cannot do it.

I have had the worst of days, one of those days where all you do is cry. One of those days when you empty yourself of tears only to cry dry ones.

I am scared. I am broken and I want to make it all go away. But I can't...and I can't even explain it. Because she does not want the world to know...and I must respect that.

Opps.

I had this wonderfully inspiring blog all typed up about independence and freedom and how ignorant we as Americans truly are...and I lost it. So here I am at 12:30, almost ready to pass out with absolutely nothing to contribute. I need sleep. Tomorrow I plan on adventure. I refuse to just do the ordinary. I am going to reach beyond my normal comfort zone and do something new and fun. I promise myself this. In the meantime, I am going to sleep and promise myself (and you) that I will return soon to my blog series and play 'catch up'. I am so behind.

50 Little Things That I've Learned Since I Married My Husband

50 Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband - Number Four

"Sometimes all you need is a long, country drive."

I always knew that I was meant to live in the country. I've never really liked the city, I've always been more comfortable out in nature where things are still untouched and silent. I like knowing that when nightfalls, the sky is actually going to be dark and you'll be able to hear the cricket's gentle chirp. I never lived in the country though, I grew up in a small city where things were touched, but they weren't overdone. It was still peaceful at night, even if the streetlights kept your room lit up all the time. One day I hope to have a home with a cornfield behind it, a creek trickling somewhere close by, but until then we have to settle on renting. We live in a small village now...and things are peaceful, quiet. You can hear the crickets at night and there are very few streetlights to keep you awake. But when I want to get away, I've realized that a country drive cures all.

There is just something about driving in between cornfields, homes spread out farther than the eye can see, windows down and the people (and pets) you love most next to you that makes me smile. It's so peaceful, so serene and a perfect get-away when the day has been tough. I never understood the purpose of driving around aimlessly until I met my husband. After we started dating, a lot of our dates included just driving around, seeing what we could see and just enjoying one another. I've found that the best place to talk about things is in the car, away from traffic and the hustle-bustle of the world. Life is slower when you're away from everything that moves so fast. It's more peaceful and gentle.

Now I love country drives. I love watching the rows of cornfields as we pass them, the cows, horses, chickens. I love rolling down the window and just letting the wind kiss my face, play with my hair and cool me down in the summer. I love holding my husband's hand and cuddling Mason in my lap, singing along to my favorite song or just sitting in the silence. I love watching the sunset from the passenger seat and taking in all of the beauty that we pass.

A country drive can smooth over a rough day, quiet a busy mind, entertain when the evening seems boring and bring a closeness to your family when you're feeling a bit distance. There's nothing quite like it and I've found that sometimes a country drive is all you really need.

50 Little Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband

50 Little Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband - Number Three

"No household should go without fresh salsa in the refridgerator at all times."

Growing up, we pretty much ate the same things. Living with two guys most of my life, most of our meals consisted of hamburgers, chili and pizza. When I got a bit older and moved in with my grandmother, I ate all of those wonderful southern homecook meals that people long for these days: cornbread and beans, corn on the cob, green beans, pork roast and mashed potatoes. It wasn't until I started dating that I fell in love with Chinese and Italian food...and it wasn't until I met my husband that I was introduced to my current best friend: Mexican.

Perhaps it was the money issue growing up, I could never imagine going to a restaurant and spending $10 a person for a meal. Or perhaps it was just the security of eating where we knew instead of branching out to something different. Whatever it was, I can't believe I missed out on so much for so long.

Now I love my southern foods, I love me a good bowl of chili or a pizza piled high with toppings. But nothing compares to sizzling fajitas in our favorie Mexican restaurant or more importantly: Fresh Made Salsa. The salsa is my favorite and after my husband and I were married, salsa became a family tradition and a 'must have' in our home. We will sit down, each of us a cutting board and each of us a knife and cut tomatos, onions, jalepenos and cilantro, mixing it all together with just the right amount of salt and lime juice to make a huge bowl of yummy salsa. (My husband's recipe, of course.)

The trick to salsa is to let it sit, let the salt begin to break down those yummy tomatos and onions and mix all those lovely tastes together. Then you have to find the perfect chips...or you can put it in an omelet, or on a turkey sandwhich, or with your hamburger (or turkey burger in our case). It pretty much goes with everything. I have my husband to thank for this yummy food, one of my ultimate favorites these days.

50 Little Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband

50 Little Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband - Number Two

"The ocean is overwhelming, scary and oh so very beautiful."

(A picture of the ocean from our cruise boat this past spring.)

Before I was married, I had never seen the ocean. I had never been to a real beach, where the water stretches farther than your eye can see and you feel so small, so insignificant in this big, huge world. I had never tasted salt water or seen waves crash against the shore. I had never seen a jelly-fish or surfers or jeeps down on the sand. I had never experienced any of it and although I imagined what it would be like many times over, I could have never imagined how it would feel for real.

For our honeymoon, we went to Daytona, Sanibel Island, Fort Meyers and a few other various places in Florida. I remember when we pulled up to our hotel, we got our room figured out and then we walked down to the beach. I was in awe, I was terrified and I was immediately humbled. The vastness of the water that stretched on and on and on. The simplicity of the fact that there was more of this than anything else on this earth. That if I was to move out into the water, I would become lost, just the tiniest part of our world. I got up every morning and watched the sunrise. I found jelly fish on the beach and picked up bits and pieces of seashells. (Until we got to Sanibel and I realized that I could collect buckets and buckets of full ones.) I immediately fell in love, even if I refused to go more than knee deep into the water.

I am eternally grateful to my husband for that experience. Water is so peaceful but it can also be so powerful, so terrifying. It's an amazing gift that God has given to us to enjoy and love. We recently went on a cruise and I experienced an entire new level of ocean. Standing on shore and looking out on it's vastness is one thing, but standing on deck and seeing nothing but ocean is another. It's overwhelming but beautiful. I will say though, there is no better sleep than a bed in the middle of a gently rocking boat.

50 Little Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband

I've been slacking a lot in my writing lately. At the beginning of this year I wrote every single day, pages upon pages of things. It was one of my new year's resolutions. Now I can't say that I've wrote much in the last couple of months. I've been having so much fun focusing on photography and my new camera that I've forgotten everything else. So I decided to start a Blog Series: 50 Little Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband.

As I was driving home from lunch with my husband today, I started to think about all of the little things that he has taught me in the last couple of years. Most of them are insignifcant, but some of them have really come in handy. So, I don't know if I'll post one of these a day, or two or three, or combine them. But I know I want to come up with 50...and just thinking about it now I've already come up with half of that. I hope those of you who read my little tid-bits here will enjoy them and even possibly learn a little something yourself.

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50 Little Things I've Learned Since I Married My Husband - Number One

"Old things have so much more character than new."

(This is one of my grandmother's mason jars, it has seen years of fruits and veggies, winters and summers filled with wonderful goodies.)

It all started with cars; pictures of cars, comments about cars, shows about cars, drive-ins, drag-races. My husband would talk my ear off constantly about the kinds, the different years and the different details that each year held to it's own. Reluctantly, I slowly began understanding bits and pieces of what he was telling me. My eyes became open to the different shapes and sizes, colors, rust and those wonderful huge, round headlights that some of them wore. I began to understand why a car would go so much faster than another although they looked and seemed exactly the same. (This usually has something to do with the size of a motor, how well it was built and the type of fuel it runs on...weight, and shape can have a lot to do with it too.) I came to appreciate older vehicles and the wonderful character they held versus the new, slick vehicles that they are coming out with today.

Then it spread into other things. First I bought a little red chair that previously belonged to his grandpa. We both loved it; it's faded, peeling paint and the fact that we have to occasionally glue one of the legs back in because if you bump it, it just falls right off. There is so much history written into the seat of that chair, so many children had played on it, had time outs. It has been used as a plant holder, a nightstand and so many other things. Nothing new could tell stories like that chair, nothing new could look so used and loved. I was so glad I snagged it before it was sold.

Now we have all sorts of 'old' things. Bottles, books, hats, pictures, papers. My husband has an old letter written by the mayor and the sherriff of Troy verifying that his grandfather was an 'outstanding' citizen back when he first got out of the war so that he could safely hitch-hike across America. And he did too. From Ohio to California and back. Can you imagine? We have books that have notes written in them from the 1920's, little love letters and signitures. It's just so interesting.

Our biggest collection is that of salt and pepper shakers. When we were married, our cake-topper was a pair of clear salt and pepper shakers. We got the idea from the movie 'Fireproof' and both agreed that it was perfect for us. Now we have at least 15 sets, most antique but a few new. We vowed every year to go on our anniversary and pick a new pair out, so our collection will just grow and grow. I just love finding unique pairs. My favorite is an anchor with a red (salt) and green (pepper) lantern hanging from it, a rope twisting up it's length. There's so much character in each piece and I honestly adore them all.

Nothing is quite the same as antiques, nothing screams 'history' and 'character' like their little nicks and cracks, well used edges, rust and torn pages. When I go shopping these days, I look at all of the new things that the world is coming out with. I see all the straight lines and slick textures, the simple designs and I can't help but pass them by. I'd rather have something more detailed, something that's turned a bit yellow with age and that can tell stories of years past. I wasn't always like that but my husband taught me well: Old things have so much more character than new.

Father's Day - My Husband

I woke up extremely giddy this morning. It took me awhile, but I found my husband Father's Day cards from the cat and the dog. I was even lucky enough to find cards with a Siamese and a Dachshund. Talk about effort! I also managed to find one from myself that was just for a partner in pet parenting...silly I know, but I love it!

The truth is, this is our family right now. We baby our pets just like they're our children. We make weekend plans only if we can include them in some way because we feel bad about the attention that we can't give them during the week while we're at work. They mean so much to us.

I look forward to the day that my husband becomes a father (and me a mother, of course). But we're in no rush. We would rather take our time and enjoy one another for awhile. We have small issues that we need to work through, but I think we'll make good parents one day. I mean, our pets sure do adore us, that's saying something, right?