Dreams Untold

I want to live in a cottage in the woods, the stone walls cool to the touch and the sound of the creek ever comforting my soul. My horses will graze freely in their pastures while my children will run freely without care.

Time will be abundant and troubles will never reach my doorstep. My favorite place to be will be the bench beneath the weeping willow, it's soft branches dancing in the breeze as the frogs sing along the water's edge. Whispers will never leave the ears of those who've heard and the air will be forever filled with music.

I won't worry. Dinner will be perfect, the house clean.

There will be weddings in the backyard and stories told around bonfires. Baseballs will be thrown, paint splattered, pictures taken and memories made.

Everything will be perfect, dreams will come true and life will continue into eternity.

But I Am Not Alone

It may be a struggle. I may have to give where I'd rather take and push myself when I feel there's no way...

But I am not alone.

It may feel as if this world is just making me weak and although I look, I can find no relief...

Still, I am not alone.

When push comes to pull and I find myself short, when the strings finally break and it's all I can take...

I am not alone.

I am not alone. Wherever I go, You are with me and when I am down, You will lift me and thank you Lord that forever I will be reminded...

But I am not alone.

Fleeting

But I'm sure I'm not the only one who finds his innocence so amazing, whether asleep or awake, he captivates my every minute with his perfection. And one day I know that it will change so I will cling to these moments. I will pray for time to creep and I will whisper in his little ears the promise that he will always be the closest thing to my heart.

A Month Too Soon

I am in absolute disbelief that Henry will be an entire month old tomorrow. Where does the time go?? He has changed and grown so much right before my eyes and if one does not believe in God, I would think it would take nothing more than to watch a little child to see that we are surrounded by Him and His miracles.

I've learned a few things in this last month:

-It's almost impossible to plan to go somewhere and actually be on time.

-Yes, you can go through 100 diapers in one week.

-Spit up is every shirt's new accessory.

-Sleeping is totally overrated.

-Most advice is better taken through one ear and out the other.

-Routines are life-savers.

-Tiny smiles can stop the entire world for a minute.

-Lots of things can be done one handed.

-Most men are terrified of babies.

-If left where the dog can reach them, a box of dirty diapers can make quite the mess...

-Glow Worms named "Charles" can soon become your best friend.

-Food, like sleep, is totally overrated.

-Pumping breast milk is a job in itself.

-Chores are meant to go undone.

-Family will bribe you with just about anything if you'll bring the baby over.

-Love takes a new meaning while life...well, it will never be the same.

Needed: One Maid

Henry will be three weeks old on Tuesday. As silly as it sounds, when people ask me when he was born I almost tell them August 8th instead of July 19th. I guess I am still in pregnancy mode when it comes to the date. It's so hard to believe that three weeks has gone by and even harder to believe that he wasn't suppose to be here until tomorrow. I suppose it's just more proof that God knows what he's doing and as advanced as medical technology can be, no one can predict the future.

I spend every day doing pretty much the same things: feed Henry, change Henry, pump and repeat. I usually manage a meal or a shower or a little bit of free time to walk to the post office to get the mail in between feedings but he usually eats every two or three hours during the day so it doesn't leave me time for much. This is why I'm in desperate need of a maid right about now.

Our dishes are piled high although I do mange to do them more often than not. The floors need swept and mopped, everything is collecting dust, the cat box needs changed, my flower beds currently look like jungles and I literally have weeds as tall as my windows right now and although I do manage to keep clothes washed and dried, I have about four baskets full that need to be folded and put away. Needless to say, I'm very behind.

I guess I could manage some extra time to do things when Jeremy gets home in the evenings, but by the time 7 o'clock rolls around, I'm pretty much exhausted and all I want to do is get dinner made and relax awhile before going to bed. I feel bad asking Jeremy to help with any of it because he's working 6 days a week at the shop in this heat and although I get up with the baby every night, it stirs him as well and I know he's worn out every day.

Back to the point: I need a maid.

I'm also in need of about 12 solid hours of sleep, but I don't see that happening for a very long time...

One Queen Size Bed

I respect the opinions and insight of doctors and nurses who have spent so much time studying and researching medicine and such but sometimes I just have to disagree with them. I dread the 'sleep' talk every time I take Henry to the doctor. I have been reminded at least 15 times since he was born that he should sleep 'alone, in a crib, on his back'. Which, most of the time...he does. But I find no fault or shame in admitting that at times he also sleeps with me, held close where I can hear him breath and feel him move.

I understand the reasoning of him sleeping alone. I understand it reduces the risk of SIDS and that clearly, if he's not in bed with us, then he's not at risk that someone will roll over on him or suffocate due to extra blankets and pillows being around. But quite honestly, if the child so much as blinks, I wake up. If Jeremy barely stirs, I wake up. I feel as if my son is not at risk when he's sleeping with me, although I'm sure others would argue otherwise.

I find that the both of us sleep better when we sleep together. On average he'll sleep an hour longer between feedings and I'm not constantly waking up and checking on him in his crib. At this point an extra hour and a more restful sleep makes all the difference in the world, especially since I am still defiant against taking naps during the day.

Overall, I find that there's a special connection between a mother and their child and co-sleeping just enhances that connection. I understand that it's not for everyone and that there are many circumstances where a child is so much safer sleeping alone than with his parents. I just hate that look and feeling as if I'm doing something wrong when I admit that he does at times sleep with me. It's a lecture every time but I refuse to lie. He's my child and I would never do anything to hurt him, we all have our own ways of parenting and this is just one of mine.

I love waking up and his little face being right next to mine. The only problem is, our one queen size bed is feeling kind of small with two adults, a baby, a dog and a cat sleeping in it every night.

Our First Week

Okay, so it's not quite a week yet - but one day doesn't really count for much!

I can't believe how different life has become so quickly and yet, I wouldn't trade a moment of it for the world. It's as if there was never a different life before Henry and honestly, this past week has just flown. I hate that part, I want each little moment to last forever. It's true what they say though - every complication, every horrible symptom and pain of pregnancy and birth is just a distant memory. It was worth every single bit and I'd do it a million times over to have my healthy baby boy here in my arms.

Our first couple of days was kind of rough. As expected I was in a lot of pain from the surgery and after spending the entire day in intense labor and then going in for the c-section, I was beyond exhausted and just completely out of it when he was finally born.

They told us they were going to go ahead and do the c-section at 7:30 p.m. on Tuesday evening. Within a half hour Jeremy was in his scrubs and I was making my way to the OR, contractions still coming about every 45 seconds or so. The anesthesiologist had no problem with my spinal tap although I had two contractions in the time it took him to do it. I just breathed on through and tried not to move and I never even felt the pinch. I found the whole operation to be kind of miraculous. It's quite the experience to feel nothing and yet feel everything at the same time. The anesthesiologist told me what was happening the entire time so I knew the moment that they pulled his head out, unwrapped the umbilical cord that was around his neck once, then when his shoulders and the rest of his body was out. I heard him cry and them announce the time - 8:33 p.m. - and then I cried too. I heard them announce his length at 19 inches and then they let Jeremy over to see him. He let me know that he was perfect and then went back to cut the umbilical cord. Finally they weighed him at 6lbs 5oz and then brought him over for me to see. Jeremy held him next to my face while they put me back together and I couldn't take my eyes off of him while we all had a conversation about cars, vacations and cameras (but mostly cars, go figure). I was so happy and relieved that everything had went well and that my son was here and healthy. They moved me from the operating table to the hospital bed and laid Henry in my arms. I could barely believe I was holding my little boy and for the next hour or so in recovery I refused to let him go. By 10:00 p.m. or so they allowed family in to see us and Henry was passed from person to person to be loved and cuddled on.

It was 3 a.m. when everyone finally left, I got him fed and we all got settled into our hospital room. They came and took him to the nursery to give him a bath and I agreed to let him stay until 6 a.m. so I could get some sleep. At 4:30 I woke up and couldn't stand not having him there so I had the nurse go and and bring him back to me. He never left our sides for more than a few minutes after that moment.

The hardest part after that while we were at the hospital was getting in and out of bed to feed him. By morning I was told I could sit up on the side of the bed so I did and then within a few minutes I was standing. I walked to the bathroom myself and the nurse was quite surprised at how fast I was recovering. For the first couple of days I just took Motrin for the pain then I moved on to something stronger about once a day. We had some issues feeding Henry. I had decided that I wanted to breast feed and he would latch, but he wouldn't suck. Everyday the consultant would come in and try to help and I had 3 or 4 different nurses try to help but he just wouldn't have it. Soon I was pumping and haven't really stopped since. I still try to get him to breast feed but he still does the same thing and it always ends up with him screaming at the top of his lungs and us both getting frustrated. I will be honest - I'm very close to giving up. I think I'll end up pumping exclusively so that feeding won't be so frustrating all the time for both of us.

Henry was circumcised on Wednesday night and the doctor told us he did wonderful but peed all over him which I found funny. Everyone was amazed at how laid back of a baby we had - the only time he would fuss (and this is still true) was when he was hungry and even then he would wake up and start moving around to let us know before crying. I'm lucky in that sense, I can usually hear him moving around in the night before he starts crying when he gets hungry. Two times the pediatrician came in to check on him and both times I was pumping and it embarrassed him to pieces so he kept telling us he'd come back. Finally on Friday after I was discharged, the pediatrician managed to come in and look him over and give the orders that he was good to go home too. We left that afternoon around 4 p.m. We went straight to Meijer to pick up my prescriptions and then headed home for a very lazy night. At this point I was exhausted - despite trying I could not sleep at the hospital and instead found myself taking little naps here and there that were always interrupted either by Henry or a nurse.

During the entire hospital stay Jeremy slept. I envied him.

The first night was kind of rough. I was so tired that it took everything in me to climb out of bed and my milk was just starting to come in so I had to take the time to pump every time that Henry ate - with a manual pump, which was such a pain. The next day I insisted we make a trip to Wal-Mart to buy a pump and I must say, I don't think I could live without it now. It's my best friend. I usually pump 3 times a day and am now producing 6 to 8 oz every time. I'm going to have to start freezing soon!

Sunday evening we took Henry to his Aunt Holly's and we all had dinner together with Grandma and Grandpa O. Izabel finally warmed up to him a bit and even asked to hold him, it was a very precious moment. Sunday night was probably the easiest night and I hope it continues to get easier from here.

Mason and Henry are getting along just fine. Mason loves to nuzzles Henry's neck and ears with his cold nose and Henry absolutely hates it; he'll wrinkle up his nose and his face will turn blood red. It's really funny. Mason likes to give him kisses too - although to Henry I'm sure they're more like mini baths considering that when Mason starts he just won't stop. I've had to yell at him many times for it, just because I know it bothers Henry so much too. The cat hasn't even sniffed him - I don't think he cares a bit.

Jeremy is still a bit timid around Henry and I find it kind of amusing too. He's super careful when picking him up and moving him around and I think he's changed all of two or three diapers. I've let him feed Henry once or twice but I do the majority of everything. Some new mom's would expect much more from their husbands but I honestly like it this way. I cherish my time with him so much that I really hate to let anybody else do anything. I know that sounds silly and I may change my mind later but right now it's how I feel.

My favorite thing to do is just to watch him, especially when he's awake and looking around. I love when he searches for my little finger and then holds on tight and it brings tears to my eyes every time I stop to think that he knows I'm his mommy. I love stripping him down to his diaper when he's hungry and just cuddling him on my chest - that skin to skin contact holds such a powerful connection. The world just stops around us. I don't hear him cry all too often but he let's out little squeals all the time and I laugh just about every time. Sometimes it sounds like a little kitten, other times it's more like a strange bird or something. It's just so darn cute.

Today we had our first doctor's appointment. He had gained 5 oz since leaving the hospital and was still the same length (although his head has gone back to normal so more than likely he's gained an inch since birth). There were no signs of jaundice and the doctor was very pleased at how his circumcision was healing. He even gave the doctor a little smile - which is something that he normally only does here and there for a split second. If you blink you'd miss it. We had lunch with daddy and then headed home for some tummy time and about an hour of being wide awake and curious. It was probably the longest I've seen him so alert since he was born.

Overall life has taken a crazy turn but it's been a wonderful one and I couldn't be happier.