Heavy Hearted

"Becoming a mother makes you the mother of all children. From now on each wounded, abandoned, frightened child is yours. You live in the suffering mothers of every race and creed and weep with them. You long to comfort all who are desolate."

I can't sleep tonight. I have a deep, heavy heart and I can't exactly pinpoint why. I read this quote earlier and I think it's partly the reason. I think of my son and the love I have for him and I can't imagine what other mothers and children who are so much less privileged than I am are going through. I can't imagine not being able to sooth my crying child because it is hungry or in pain. It's hard for me to even think about, it just breaks my heart into pieces.

I think another part of the reason is that I miss my brother. I worry about him. I just want to know that he'll be coming home safely one of these days. But God holds his future in His hands and I just have to trust His will be done. I just need a grain of a mustard seed of faith, He says. Sometimes something so small sure does seem huge.

Guilt is also chipping at me tonight. I am tired. My body aches and I want so badly for someone to notice. I know that's silly, but at times I feel so stretched thin. Working and being a mother, wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, house-keeper, etc, etc... can just wear a person down. It's times like these that I long to have a stable family around me. I wish I had a mother of my own to call on when I was tired or didn't feel good and just needed a break.

As long as God let's me live to see the day, my children will never, ever want for that. I will never choose to abandon my children like mine chose to abandon me. When my son or daughter needs someone there to help, no matter what it is- I will be there.

I am so blessed with those that I am surrounded by now. I have women in my life who serve as wonderful mother figures. But nothing replaces your true mom and although it's taken me a long time not to hate her for what she did, it has made me a better woman and mother because of it.

Milk and Frustration

When I find the time to type out these little blogs, I usually consider that my 'me' time. It's a time to reflect and relax and let my mind wander free for a few minutes.

Usually I try to keep a positive outlook on things, but tonight I feel like crying. I'm frustrated and worn out and ready to give up.

Because Henry would never take to the breast, I've been pumping and feeding him breast milk that way since the day he was born. But the last week or two my milk supply has decreased significantly and most of the time when I pump I don't even have enough milk for one bottle.

It's frustrating and disheartening and although there are much worse things, I just don't want to give up on this for him. I know that my milk is best for him and honestly, it makes me feel like a failure that I can't seem to give that to him fully anymore.

I know that if we have to switch to formula, he'll be just fine. Like I said, I know there's much worse things. I guess I just feel like I've worked really hard to do this for him and my efforts just aren't paying off and no matter how hard I try, I can't change the outcome.

I suppose I should just be grateful that I was able to produce and feed him this way for this long. Thankful that he is as healthy as he is and that we've had no other 'real' problems thus far. I just love my little guy so much that I want the very best for him, no matter what.

Rock the Shot Photo Contest

Rock the Shot is having a photo contest this month. The criteria was to have one or more children and some aspect of fall in the photo. If you get the chance, check out the other entries. They are all so gorgeous!

I entered this one simply because I love it so much. I wanted so bad to have a picture of Henry in a pumpkin this year since he was small enough and I love how he was so curious, looking and touching at the different shaped pumpkins and squash. We really had fun that day and twenty years from now, I'm going to be able to look at this photo and remember that.

As usual I used Lightroom to edit this and really, I just slightly cropped, desaturated a bit and bumped up the exposure.

If you're a photographer and would like to enter, the link is www.rocktheshotforum.com.

Wish me luck!

Three Months Deep

I'm three months deep into being a mommy. I love it. Every minute of it.

I love knowing his cries. I love knowing exactly how to cuddle him when he's tired so he'll go straight to sleep. I love that he knows me over strangers and even prefers me. I love planning for his future and in case you haven't noticed, I love photographing his life.

I'm blessed to be home with him all through the week and although I wish I didn't have to work at all, I know I have it better than the majority of people. I am in constant prayer of thankfulness and praise. Five years ago I never would have imagined that my life would be so full of joy and love. Everyday I have the pleasure of sharing my life and heart with two amazing guys.

Now if we can just add a little girl...

This is Our New Name

'Forgiven, beloved, hidden in Christ, made in the image of the Giver of life, righteous and holy, reborn and remade, accepted and worthy - this is our new name.'

Think of this and be blessed because we are not ONE of these things but ALL of these things.

We are children of a KING, princes and princesses with promises of riches beyond measure.

Rejoice and be glad! The joys of this life are just a snapshot of what is yet to come.

Jesus Freak

I love finding sites that sell based faith apparel. This is one of my favorites: http://www.songear.com

I especially love their long sleeved tee that says 'My love story is purely written by God'. So true! If you are Christian and are looking for faith-based apparel, go check them out. I guarantee you'll find something you love!

From This End

Having a baby can be exhausting. It can be frustrating and tedious and sometimes heart-breaking. But it is also exciting. It is an adventure and most of all, it is rewarding.

If you happen across a stubborn baby like mine, you will find feeding times that take twice as long. (Half hour to eat...half hour to pump.) You will find that blankets and pacifiers find their way into every corner of every room and nap time takes place when it's least convenient.

In the middle of the mess, you will find a happy little boy with one little tooth who is already so spoiled, he won't let his momma out of his sight. You will find coos and laughter that can brighten even the darkest of days and enough love to last a lifetime.

With every day there is something new; new faces and laughter, new joy and excitement. Little milestones are reached and new ones are set. Life takes a brand new meaning and with it, a life-long job of loving, teaching, encouraging and protecting a piece of your heart as it makes a life of it's own.

Another Year Wiser

Tomorrow I turn 24. Quite the accomplishment, don't you think?

It's been quite the year. So many changes. Big changes. I am so thankful for them though.

It has been the scariest year health wise of my life. Cat-scans and ultrasounds, itching and then just not progressing. Pneumonia and surgery. But God brought me through it all. I am healthy again and so is my baby. It's all because of Him.

I have a wonderful life, full of love and promise. I am blessed with a husband who is caring and understanding, a baby that is healthy and growing and a family that I can count on. I have a seat waiting on me at the King's table and a robe of white so soft and warm. I really, truly could not ask for more.

You Are Beautiful My Sweet, Sweet Song

My husband has a friend that's about knee deep in the Christian music world. He used to be in his own band, The Dizmas, who made it pretty well on the west coast but after all the guys got a bit older, they split and went their separate ways. On good terms and for good reasons, of course. He's a drummer.

He played for Superchick for a while and then Beneath the Golden the State. Both times we were blessed enough to receive a call from him while he was in the area, offering us a free concert. We're always more than happy to oblige.

Wednesday night he called and asked us if we'd like to see Third Day the next night. Of course I was all over it and knowing that Tenth Avenue North was playing with them made me even more excited to go. He's now working with Third Day, although he's not in the band but instead working in their headquarters in Nashville.

Honestly, I needed a little bit of time out with Jeremy just to enjoy myself. I haven't been separated from Henry except to work since he was born. I struggle with guilt when I am apart from him. I feel like a mother should be home with their child as much as possible and leaving him to go have fun is hard for me to do, even if it's okay from time to time.

We had a great time really. I always enjoy Christian concerts. Not only do you enjoy the music but there's always a sweet spirit, a moving when the room around you cheers and rejoices in knowing that our Father is King. When the music stops playing and the voices come together in soft worship, you can feel the presence of God as if He's standing beside you. I feel blessed to be included in such amazing grace. God is so good, so loving. It was the very least I could do when I dedicated my life to Him.

Autumn

I love fall. I wait and yearn for the leaves to begin to change every year. The days are crisp and clean, there are bonfires and s'mores and good times with family and friends. Plus, it doesn't hurt that my birthday falls towards the end of October.

The days when the sun is shining and the wind is blowing are just perfect for walks through the woods or a picnic in the backyard. There are pumpkins and squash, hayrides and caramel apples. Life just seems to slow down a bit and I think we all need that from time to time.

A good slow down. A time to reflect on life, to meditate and to be thankful. One on one time with our Maker while he amazes us with the changes and bright colors that this season brings.

Adventures in Crocheting

I recently decided to take up crocheting. I don't know what people's usual reason is for taking up crocheting but mine was simple - I wanted to learn how to make all of these adorable hats for Henry without having to pay 20 plus dollars for one. I've always been one to take up little things like that anyway, it's that natural 'Suzy-homemaker' gene in me that I swear must mean I'm adopted. So I went out, I spent $2 on a hook and $3 on yarn and just started crocheting, looking up any and all information I thought I needed online and pinning it to Pinterest so it was easily located. (Have I mentioned how addicted I am to Pinterest, it's pretty much the most awesome site I've come across since Facebook or Flickr...seriously.)

So far I've made two hats and a scarf and surprisingly, they've all turned out really well. It wasn't until I was showing off Henry's little hats until I realized that people really love crochet hats. (Why this just came to me, I don't know. I mean, I love crochet hats!) I was even surprised to realize that it's not just women with little babies who like crochet hats - but people like my brothers like them as well. I now have a list of about 10 people who have requested that I make a crochet hat for them. Most are good friends and family so I wouldn't dream of charging them (besides, hello Christmas presents) but I think I may be on to something here. If other's can make a hat and charge 20 plus dollars for one. Why can't I?

So I'm going to spend the rest of this year practicing, making Henry little things and fulfilling the requests that I have had and then I think I may set up shop. I love etsy's website and it would also give me the opportunity to set up a few prints for sale as well. I've been looking for an opportunity to make a few extra dollars and I think this (and my random photo shoots) are a good start. Maybe one day we will find a way for me to primarily work from home and still bring in a decent paycheck. Maybe. I keep praying about it. I've also got a list of crafts (thank you Pinterest) that I think I could easily make and sell as well. I just have to get to it.

The hardest part is always starting, right?

When you don't know what to say...

Technology has really changed out lives, especially in the last 100 years or so. We have cell phones attached to our hips almost 24 hours a day, the internet to keep in touch with people all around the globe, video chats and picture messages... the list could go on and on.

Problem is, I'm not sure it's really a good thing. My grandmother tells me stories about when her brother went off to war. He was a hero in his time, he saved many of his fellow soldiers lives after being wounded himself. It's a great story but I'm not going to tell it. She says she remembers the heartbreak her mother suffered when Coy left. In those days, they didn't leave and come back here and there. They left and wrote letters and if something happened to where they couldn't write a letter here and there, they just didn't hear from them at all.

She says they received several letters and one telegram while he was away. The telegram was a simple message : Coy had been severely wounded. That was it. There were no updates on his condition, no more letters. One day, to the joy of those around him, he finally came home.

That was how war was back then. You sent your son, brother, husband off and just prayed that they returned. Now we have the internet to keep in touch, crazy long-distant phone calls and video chats. But when you're speaking to a loved one who is faced with the issue of war, what do you say?

I run into this problem almost daily. I'm blessed to have the opportunity to talk to my brother while he is on the front line in Afghanistan. But the things he tells me, the concerns and the worries he shares; I just don't have a response for. Every day I have to pray that God give me a mouth full of words that he needs to hear because I myself, just can not find them.

See my brother has a special heart. He has a heart of compassion and love and it's hard for him to turn that 'off'. Enemy or not. So this is harder for him than some. It's hard for him to grasp and it's even harder for him to do. I do my best to understand but I know I can't fully understand and I do my best to love him from afar, but even the deepest love is different at a distance.

I just pray that I can be the person he needs for me to be. I pray that he comes home alive and well and that he has a long life ahead of him yet. He's been there a month. An entire month. His first mission was canceled (Praise God!) and when it was rescheduled, they sent someone else out in his place. So far he has been extremely blessed. They have had contact several times with the enemy, the man that took his place on the last mission had the antenna on his back shot off...but he still came back safely. There was one incident with a roadside bomb...but again, every one came back safely. So I pray that things will continue this way. He said the next mission will be within the next couple of weeks. Still, I must praise God for all the good that has come so far.

Pretty Presets

Pretty Presets is having a contest today!

5 o' clock ramblings

I miss being pregnant. Yeah, I know I'm absolutely insane...but I loved having my Henry so close to me all of the time. I try to tell myself that I don't really miss it, I only think I do...I mean, I had so many complications and I was seriously absolutely miserable with itching at the end there. My delivery wasn't easy and if I were sane, I'd dread ever going through all of it again. But I don't. I just miss it and yet, I'm not ready for another. Jeremy is ready now but he will just have to wait, just awhile longer I think.

It's funny how your entire outlook on life can change in an instant. I am more aware than ever of how crazy messed up life can be and I wish with every fiber in my being that I could protect my children from it. Knowing that I can't is the hardest part. I understand now why parents retract themselves and their children from the world, sheltering them from what they don't want them to have to see. Unfortunately that just doesn't work or I would do it myself one day.

I still have mixed thoughts on homeschooling. I want my children to have a great education and I know that through patience and a lot of effort, I could give that to them at home but at the same time, I want them to have the social experience and be given the chance to be somewhat 'normal'. I'm just not sure how I can make both happen. I suppose we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Troy has a great Christian school. Perhaps that's the best possibility.

It's funny really. I've never been closer to my grandmother. I get where she's always came from on so many more things now. Jeremy's family however, think I'm crazy I know. I'm okay with that. They can have their opinions but I'm still going to do things in ways that I think are best. Of course there are times that Jeremy listens too closely, takes their opinion over mine and well, that hurts. But still, I will not waiver. I will raise my children to be respectful and kind, compassionate and thankful. I will whip them and his parents will cringe every time. But it's worth it.